


6,500 miles away...but getting closer

by BearsInCastles, SapphicScholar



Series: 6,500 Miles Away Universe [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Co-Authored Fic, F/F, Letter fic, Pre-Canon, Sanvers - Freeform, Slow Burn, long distance relationship AU, seriously the whole thing is letters, short chapters with daily updates, visual elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-03-22 10:02:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 56,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13761759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BearsInCastles/pseuds/BearsInCastles, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicScholar/pseuds/SapphicScholar
Summary: I've been sitting on a prompt for a Sanvers slow burn in a long distance relationship for a while now, but I finally roped a co-author (see author notes) into working on it with me. While Maggie is abroad teaching English in Italy on a Fulbright, Alex is in grad school and volunteering with the local Boys and Girls Club on the side. Figuring they may as well set a good example for the students, they begin writing to one another, only to find something more between themselves.Short, frequent updates.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to my wonderful fiancée who let me rope her into this whole fic writing thing with the instructions, "C'mon, it'll be fun! Let's try to make each other fall in love in character through letters!"

October 8, 2011

 

 **Subject:** Reaching Out on Behalf of the Peninsula Boys and Girls Club

 

Dear Ms. Maggie Sawyer,

My name is Alex Danvers. I am a volunteer curriculum coordinator with the Peninsula Boys and Girls Club. This year, as part of our theme “Expanding our Horizons,” I have been asked to help organize an international writing experience for our high school students. My supervisor, Taylor Macintyre (cc’ed), recommended that I reach out to you.

We have 15 students, ages 13-14, of various reading levels who are looking for international pen pals with whom they can exchange letters over the next year. Ideally, we would like students to exchange letters of at least 800 words once a month, but the frequency of letter exchange is negotiable.

I’ve attached a list of readings that we will be doing throughout the school year. We are asking that our students incorporate themes from these works into their letters, but we intend to give them the freedom to decide their topics.

Please let me know if you would be interested in participating in this program. 

Thank you very much for your time.

Best regards,

Alex Danvers

 

Alex Danvers

M.D. Ph.D. Candidate

Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	2. Chapter 2

October 9, 2011

Dear Alex,

 

It’s nice to meet you! I’m not sure how much Taylor mentioned, but I’m currently teaching English with the Fulbright Program in Catania, Sicily, and I’ve been looking for some students in the U.S. to serve as pen-pals for my students. They’re pretty much all 14, so the equivalent of high school freshmen. They’re pretty good with their reading skills, but they could use some practice with native speakers, especially with writing. I can’t promise we’ll get to all of the books on your reading lists, but I could try to teach one or two of them if you have a preference. I’ve attached my class list here to give you an idea for the number of students. Do you want to pair them up, or should we do it together? If you want to do it, I’d just point out that Alessandro is new to English language instruction, so he could use a partner that’s on the patient side and won’t grow frustrated with shorter letters in response. He’s motivated and very sweet, though! Looking forward to writing back and forth with you!

 

Best,

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	3. Chapter 3

October 9, 2011

Re: Reaching Out on Behalf of the Peninsula Boys and Girls Club

 

Dear Ms. Sawyer,

Thank you for your response. We are very excited that you are willing to participate in our program! I’ve taken the liberty of pairing Alessandro with Chima Chejine. She’s an excellent student who is an Integrated Language Arts tutor and would be well equipped to work with him. The rest of the students have been randomly assigned to pairs (see attached).

Our students will be submitting their first letters to me on Wednesday and they will be dropped in the mail on Friday. For this assignment they have been asked to write a brief bio of themselves and will also include a photo. Is there anything else you would like them to include?

Thank you very much for your time.

Best,

Alex Danvers

 

Alex Danvers

M.D. Ph.D. Candidate

Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

\---

October 9, 2011

 

 

Re: Reaching Out on Behalf of the Peninsula Boys and Girls Club

 

Dear Ms. Sawyer,

Apologies for the follow-up email. I wanted to let you know that my students also asked that you and I exchange letters as a sort of model. Would you be willing to do this? I understand if you do not have time.

Best, 

Alex Danvers

 

Alex Danvers

M.D. Ph.D. Candidate

Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	4. Chapter 4

October 10, 2011

Hey Alex,

Is it alright if I call you Alex? Please, just Maggie is fine. Maybe the southern Italian atmosphere has gotten to me, but the Dear Almost Dr. Danvers seemed a bit formal. I’m happy to exchange letters! I’ll get to working on mine now. In the interest of not repeating myself, I’ll keep this email short and let my own “about me” be a fun surprise.

Til next time, Danvers!

Maggie

P.S. Thanks for looking out for Alessandro. He’s a good kid, and he’ll appreciate having someone who doesn’t tease him or anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We were blown away by how excited people are! We've got quite a few more letters already written, so they'll be going up quickly. In the meantime, enjoy the start to their adventures. Maggie's response will be up this afternoon (we won't keep ya waiting the full length of time it would take a real letter to make it to Italy!)

October 14, 2011

Dear Maggie,

 

Just a note to let you know that I dropped the letters off at the post office today. I shipped them together in one package to hopefully make things easier. Tracking info is attached.

Thanks again for being a part of this. Our students are very excited! I, for one, am very excited to hear more about the southern Italian atmosphere.

Best,

Alex

 

Alex Danvers

M.D. Ph.D. Candidate

Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

 

\---

October 12, 2011

 

Dear Maggie,

 

As you already know, my name is Alex Danvers. I am currently an MD/PhD candidate at Stanford University. I finished my clinical rotations last semester, so this semester I will spend most of my waking hours in class or in the lab, where I am currently engaged in comparative extraterrestrial immunology.

My work with the Boys and Girls Club is born out of what my advisor described as a “desperate need for socialization”—not just for me, to be clear. Apparently it’s a thing they’ve started recommending for all grad students when they begin to focus on their lab work. Surprisingly enough, I enjoy working with the kids. I have a younger sister named Kara who is currently studying Journalism at a local college near Midvale, California, where we grew up. Working with these kids reminds me of her sometimes.

This is probably where I should tell you more about my “hobbies,” but I’ll be honest, grad school and its workload have definitely warped the concept for me. If the general idea is that your hobbies are what you do in your free time, my hobbies in order of my time commitment are: 1) trying to complete the “optional but strongly recommended side projects” my advisor keeps assigning me; 2) mastering my pipetting skills; 3) working at the Boys and Girls Club; and 4) sleeping.

I’m excited to hear more about your time in Italy. How are you liking your program?

 

Best,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they begin to get a little longer....

October 26, 2011

Hey Alex,

Nice to hear more about you! Very cool about all of your work. I had to google one or two of the more specific phrases, but it sounds interesting. Hope you’re making sure all those aliens get proper compensation and have consented to the procedures ;) though also, I’m a little serious… I got to know some of the local aliens during undergrad, and for the most part, they were good folks who just didn’t get the same rights as us. Anyhow, sorry, maybe that’s getting off on a bit of a tangent. In any case, I’m excited about filling that “desperate need for socialization.” Been a long time since someone told me they were desperate for me. (Also a joke; I mean, not entirely…ended a kind of messy long-term relationship a few months ago, but we don’t need to talk about that yet. Unless you want to. I should probably not have written this letter after dinner. They really can be quite generous with the table wine here. But I wanted to get back to you in a timely manner. I know our kids don’t have to write more than once or twice a month, but I’d like to be a bit more regular, especially if you’ve gotten to the point where your advisor thinks that you really need a pen-pal.) It’s also really great that you’re doing the volunteer work! Those clubs are such a great resource for kids, and I’m sure having someone as brilliant as you there is amazing for them. Though I do hope that maybe sleep will bump up on your list at some point…doesn’t seem good that your volunteering hours, which I assume can’t be more than two or three hours per day, if that, end up being longer than the number of hours you sleep. You’re the scientist-(almost) doctor, you’ve gotta know how bad that is for you! I’m not suggesting you go full on Mediterranean and adapt the mid-day rest, but it’s a pretty nice way to take time for myself.

Let’s think, about me. First, I promise not to write after table wine again. It seemed like a great idea. I never did the whole “write drunk; edit sober” thing in college, and I’m realizing that was one of my best decisions yet. Um, I went to college in Chicago after growing up in Nebraska—Blue Springs, to be specific, for most of my young adult life. I have an aunt, Tina, who ended up moving to Chicago when I went to college. I think she’ll stay there even if I don’t move back. She really fell in love with the city, and I don’t blame her. It’s so much better than Blue Springs, though I think most places probably are. I’m really interested in community organizing. I like teaching here, but I don’t think it’s really my speed long-term. I minored in Criminal Justice in college, so I’ve been thinking about applying to the police academy when I get back. We’ll see. For now, I’m really enjoying the chance to immerse myself in a new culture and community. It was…well, it ended up being a good time for me to leave the States for a bit.

Let’s think, hobbies…I like reading a lot. I’ve also got a weak spot for some embarrassingly bad procedurals and hour-long dramas, which I used to binge watch on weekend mornings. I think by the time I get out of Italy, cooking will have to be one of mine. I liked it before, but here, it’s basically a way of life. There’s so much passion and enthusiasm that goes into it, you know? And it’s like…an art. It’s not following a rule book like some kind of precise science. You’re feeling with it as you go, letting yourself experiment and live a little and figure out what fits the situation.

What else do I like? Hmm, bonsai trees are great. I left mine in the care of a good friend of mine from college when I left. She doesn’t exactly have what you’d call a green thumb. I really hope they’re still alive when I get back. I suggested to the kiddos that we should list some favorites in our letter to practice using the comparative and superlative forms, so let’s see. My favorite:

Color: Green  
Animal: Dolphin (it’s so hard to choose just one; it might well be different tomorrow)  
Dessert: Tiramisu  
Drink: Scotch  
Breakfast Food: Double-toasted sesame seed bagel  
Lunch/Dinner Food: Tough call. There was this little food truck back by the campus that served the best vegan tacos I’ve ever had in my life (no dirty puns intended, I swear—not that tipsy!)

I’m sure I’m forgetting some categories, but I’ve never been able to pick a favorite book or movie; I like too many and for really different reasons, and it seems unfair to be forced into choosing just one, though I’ll be doing exactly that to my students come Monday. You’ll get their letters a few days after mine arrives, barring any real issues with getting their assignments back from them.

Hope you’re doing well!

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites!


	7. Chapter 7

November 20, 2011

Hi Maggie,

Sorry for the delayed response. Things have been a little busy on my end recently, and I’m not exactly good at writing about myself. Lab reports I can handle. This sort of thing tends to be a little more daunting.

It sounds like you are having a lot of fun in Italy! Table wine is something that we desperately need to make happen in the US. I’m a dark liquor fan myself (single or double malt scotch, by the way?). To be perfectly honest, I may be working through a glass of whiskey as I write. Consider this a case study in whether the “writ[ing] drunk, edit[ing] sober” thing works for getting the “emotionally closed off” one to open up. I don’t know, that’s what my sister sometimes calls me, though she’s normally joking. I think. Her friends can just be…a lot. Much more excitable and talkative than the ones in my grad cohort.

I appreciate your interest in alien rights. Most of our tissue samples come from a government-operated biobank, so unfortunately I don’t know much about collection methods or participant compensation. I can try to find out more if you’re interested. We had to sign a bunch of NDAs and confidentiality agreements just to get access to aggregated data, but I’ll let you know what I can. There are rumors on the Med Campus that NCU Med is working to partner with local alien communities to create some sort of cross-species clinic based off of some of the work LuthorCorp has been doing in Metropolis. They’ve been getting some pushback from the different City Council members…a lot of city residents aren’t exactly fans of the idea. We’ll see what happens.

Chicago is a beautiful city! I went there when I was younger to compete in one of those science fair things. Actually got some really amazing tacos from a food truck, so I won’t blame you. It’s pretty cool that you’ve gone from Nebraska to Chicago to working internationally. Your family must miss you! I didn’t exactly have time in undergrad to study abroad, so I might end up being one of those people who spends their entire lives in California.

I totally get the appeal of procedurals. NCIS, CSI, Law and Order. You name it, I’ve watched. I’m currently watching Rizzoli & Isles. They’re definitely predictable (and really, they seem like such horrendous police work), but it’s nice to have something mindless on in the background.

I understand that Italy is basically the culinary capital of the world and they may totally be on to something, but the way you describe cooking frightens me. Give me a scalpel and a Bunsen burner and I can absolutely handle myself, but give me a knife and a stove and you better expect you’ll be on a first name basis with the local firefighters by the end of the week.

I definitely advise that you try to Skype with your bonsai-sitting friend on a regular basis if you want to ensure your bonsai’s survival. In undergrad I had to take a class in plant biology. We had a month-long lab that involved growing 50 or so pots of wheat. One of the people in our group was supposed to tend to them over spring break. Foolishly we believed in her abilities. Every single one of the plants was thoroughly dead by the time the rest of us returned to campus.

Ok, based on my word count I’d like to think that my scotch-enhanced letter was a marginal success.

Key follow-up questions for you:  
1) What are you currently reading?  
2) How did you get into bonsai cultivation?  
3) Is there a very very VERY basic recipe you’d recommend I try out?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites!


	8. Chapter 8

December 2, 2011

Hey Alex,

Bummed I didn’t find out your favorite color or animal, but I guess I’ll have to gradually pry them from you. Or maybe bribe them out of you with recipes for the world’s best tiramisu… No worries about the slow response. I tend to be a little faster because I haven’t quite managed to make a ton of friends here yet. I have people for meals and stuff, but it’s different trying to get completely integrated into every part of life in a city where everyone seems to know each other and already have their group of friends, and so far weeknights especially tend to be me alone in my little apartment. It’s okay, though. I like it. And I kind of got used to spending time alone when I was growing up—like I said, at least I enjoy reading. As far as what I’m reading, I started to go read some Virginia Woolf actually. I took a few lit courses in college, but somehow we only ever read Mrs. Dalloway, which I really liked. But it seemed like there was probably a lot more to Woolf than just that one book. Plus, the whole Bloomsbury group was pretty baller. What about you? Anything less technical on your shelf these days? I don’t blame you if the answer is no. Sounds like grad school is a lot.

Table wine is great. And scotch isn’t a bad choice. Woman after my own heart if you tell me you can also ride a motorcycle. I thought your experiment was a rousing success, but I don’t mind the awkward charm of your earlier letters either, so whatever makes you happy.

That sounds really interesting. I imagine it’d be quite important to get proper health care for all of the different alien species that are arriving on Earth these days. Don’t worry too much about getting the information for me; I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble. It just puts my mind at ease knowing there’s someone in there making inquiries into the status of the aliens’ rights.

Chicago was great! Though I imagine the California weather must be nice… I really do enjoy traveling. Now that I’m getting the feel for Sicily and life here, I’ll probably try to do a fair amount of travel in Italy on weekends, then venture out into other countries for a few of our long breaks. I’ll send you some pictures if I can find a place to print them. Or, I suppose I could go ahead and make use of our modern technology and simply email them to you. I’ll admit, wifi here is very slow, so attaching more than a photo or two might be an issue. We’ll find out, I suppose!

Ooh nice choices. I’m still crossing my fingers that they let Maura and Jane get together by the end of it. They tease us enough. Maybe if I ever end up in California when I’m back, we could get together and have a competition. First one to correctly guess the murderer wins. Perhaps we could play for a good bottle of scotch?

Ah, it’s not so bad once you get used to it. You need to start out cooking with someone you know and trust. It’s like…let’s go with dancing, that sounds appropriate. You need a good partner, someone who flows with you, someone who can lead you at first before letting you spin out and experiment when you know they’ll always be there to catch you and make it look intentional. Does that make sense? I got a bit of it with Tina, but she was young back then. I’ve got a few of the old ladies in the neighborhood who promise they’ll make a fine Italian chef out of me yet. I mean, they seem to think it’ll be for a husband and a nice house of children, but I won’t burst their bubble. I’ll let someone else be the judge of my skills, though. I did attach a recipe for a basic lasagna that shouldn’t be too complicated to follow. Let me know if you give it a shot! I’m also going to attach one for risotto, just in case. It takes a lot of stirring, but maybe you’ll find it soothing—like the diligence required for a successful, long-term lab experiment.

I did call up my plant sitters as you suggested. As it turns out, after a rough first couple of weeks together, Kate handed off my little bonsais to her friend Ivy. Girl must have an amazingly green thumb because they’re just thriving! As to how I got into it, which I believe is the last of the questions you asked, I got one for my sixteenth birthday. Not quite a car, but it was something that required as much, if much cheaper, maintenance as a car. Then it was an easy thing to have in a dorm room, and at a certain point, I realized I couldn’t exactly imagine living without one. Can’t really fly transatlantic with them, sadly. But there are some herb gardens—and then actual large agriculture obviously—out here, so I’ll find a way to get my fix if I absolutely need to. Sorry about your shitty project partner. Group projects suck more than almost anything. Are all lab projects group projects? If so, I’m so very sorry for you. Hopefully you weren’t all failed because one person was a dumbass.

How were my students’ letters? I hope your kids weren’t disappointed. Mine seemed really pleased by what they got. Since I printed out the photos that they wanted to share with their partners, I went ahead and printed one of myself to include as well. That’s me from one of the first weekends here when we went down to the beach. I promise I don’t always wear sunglasses in photos like a total douche; it was just really sunny.

Best,  
Maggie

P.S. I didn’t realize quite how slow transatlantic snail mail really was… If you ever want to chat or get answers more quickly, you’ve still got my email. Skype video connection is…irregular at best, but I’ve got gchat if we ever happen to be awake at the same hours. Seems like you’re always awake with school and work, though, so I suppose that’s less of a worry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	9. Chapter 9

December 18, 2011

Dear Maggie,

My students were absolutely ecstatic with the last round of letters. That was a great idea of yours to get them to make collages. You can bet that you’ll be receiving more colorful letters in the future. In the spirit of responding in kind, I’ve included a photo of myself as well. It’s me with my first motorcycle that was all my own—bought it for college and drove it down the coast far too often (more info on bikes in the letter). Please ignore the grease-stained t-shirt… As it turns out, I have very few photos of myself from recent years. Also, how do things seem to be going with Chima and Alessandro on your side of the Atlantic?

Some brief updates/thoughts/responses to your points:

  1. Because of your letters and talk of your favorite dessert I had this grand idea of attempting to make tiramisu. I did not realize how ridiculously complicated it could be to make a cake. Needless to say I didn’t get very far past googling the recipe. I did end up making crepes! They’re pretty much like pancakes so it wasn’t too hard or anything. Only one smoke detector was harmed in the process.
  2. I totally get what you’re saying about being lonely…. remember that whole “desperate need of socialization” thing? At least you’re going out and meeting people! As for me? Well, Kara once said that I have to meet someone ten times before I actually warm up to them. In the moment I thought she was just being a jerk, but I think she might be a little right? Though I also think it’s not a bad idea to wait to trust people. After all, the world is full of shitty people. Sorry, that got a little bleak. Anyway, I think we’ve exchanged at least 10 emails/letters, so make of that what you will. Just know you can always talk to me about stuff… if you need/want to, I mean.
  3. I didn’t realize you and Taylor were such good friends in undergrad. I may have done some Facebook stalking and there are some truly excellent (read: embarrassing) photos. Personal favorite: you and Taylor circa 2009 going as each other to a Halloween party.
  4. Re the bike question: My dad and I used to restore bikes when I was younger. Or, more truthfully, he did while I handed him tools. Turns out I learned some stuff along the way, though. I currently have my hands on a used Harley, but I’ve got my sights on saving for a Ducati once I actually have some sort of postgrad income. I know they can be a bitch to maintain, but first loves die hard, and it’s the first bike my dad and I worked on. Plus I’m sure you can second my appreciation of Italian craftsmanship.
  5. Glad your bonsai is ok.
  6. Maybe we should see if the kids want to email each other too? I think snail mail is great (how else can we get collages?), but I’m getting the sense that some of them want to talk to each other more than once a month. I’ll ask during our next session and let you know. If you think it’d be too much work for your students, since I know they’re not writing in their first languages, that’s okay too.
  7. Let’s work out a time to Skype soon? Taylor wants me to do a brief write up and presentation for our quarterly presentation to the funders. Apparently this project has gotten a lot of people excited.



Talk to you soon, Sawyer.

Best,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites! (And if you want to chat about the fic with BearsInCastles, she's normally right here with me even if she has no desire to be on Tumblr herself)


	10. Chapter 10

January 2, 2012, 9:42pm

Hi Alex,

Sorry for the wait – holidays and all. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve switched over to email. Apparently, much like my students, I can be a little impatient waiting for real letters. I’ll still add one actual letter to our monthly mailings, though, and I’ll try to add at least a couple of pictures each time. Also, very cool bike! And I don’t mind a little grease—shows character, right? Also, it’s a wonderful picture with the coast and all. You look very pretty in it too.

Alessandro seems delighted in his partner. He’s really been making an effort with his letters and even spent some extra time with me after school one day working on getting it just right. The collage was entirely his doing, so I won’t even try to claim credit for artistic talent like that.

Haha oh god, I’m sorry to hear about your failed attempt at tiramisu. Sounds like the crepes went…well? I’ve actually never been able to get the hang of them. They always seem to get stuck to the pan and burn and then all the sudden they’re getting folded in on themselves and it’s just a hot mess in the least fun of all possible ways. But they’re delicious to eat, so maybe one day you’ll have to make some for me. I’ll have you know, I’m partial to a good dessert crepe. What about lasagna? Did you give that recipe an attempt? If you’re decent at working with crepes, not breaking the noodles shouldn’t be a big issue for you in the way it sometimes is for me.

Nothing wrong with not being immediately trusting. I might be a little friendlier at first, but I don’t really open up much outside of the more surface-level details for a long time. Which is to say, I don’t know, you probably won’t be getting too many letters about Emily. It was…messy at the end. I wouldn’t want to unload all of that on you. Unless you also have relationship drama? If it’s gonna be a two-sided bitch fest, I’m 100% here for it. I just wouldn’t want to make you deal with all my crap when you’re not getting anything out of it yourself.

Oh no, I didn’t realize Taylor still had things on Facebook! I think there are a lot of pictures there… Well, I suppose now I can’t worry too much about embarrassing myself with you. You’ve already seen me at my most humiliating. (I assume you found the 21st birthday pics? If not, uh, any chance you’ll ignore this note?)

Checking all the boxes, Danvers! I’ve got a Triumph Bonneville T100 myself, though I had to leave it back home in storage for the year. Ducati…I get the appeal, even if I couldn’t even dream of affording one these days. They are beautiful bikes. That sounds like a really awesome bonding experience for you and your dad! Does he still work on his bikes? I don’t know too much about California geography to know how far you are from your hometown in California, so maybe you don’t see each other as much anymore. At the very least, I understand enough to know that California isn’t like the East Coast where you can get through six states faster than I could make it from one end of Nebraska to the other.

Thanks. Ivy’s doing a great job!

I think my kids would probably like the possibility of emailing with their pen-pals too. We’ve got computers at school to make sure everyone has access to email on a regular basis. There may be one or two students who don’t want to put in the extra effort (you know the type, the ones who hear “optional” or “recommended” and put their heads down right away), but if you’ve got kids who seem to be getting very little in response, I could see if anyone wants an extra partner just for the email bit—make sure it’s more even?

Oh, lord, meetings and funders and reports…sounds like Taylor. She always was a bit of an overachiever. Sure, we can try for Skype! I don’t know if you’re also on break now, but I’ve got quite a bit of time off. I’ve been doing some traveling, and I’m actually heading up to Genoa tomorrow for some of that world-famous pesto, but I’ve got my laptop with me and can see if I can keep a connection long enough to Skype. Which days of the week work for you? Do I need to prep anything for this meeting? Post-dinner time probably works best for me, and I assume it wouldn’t be too early for you. Let me know!

Hope all is well in California!

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this letter answers at least one of the lingering questions quite a few of you have been asking (and maybe this ongoing fic even makes up for the angst I've started posting at BearsInCastles' prompting...)

January 3, 2012, 3:37pm

Hi Maggie,

Hope you enjoyed the holiday! I took a trip up to Midvale to see the family for a few days before retreating back to what my mom deems my “cave” of an apartment. Kara dragged me out on New Year’s Eve (which let’s be honest is THE most overhyped holiday besides Valentine’s) to see a few of her friends. I’ve never felt so old in my life. Hope you had more fun than I did. Do Italians do the whole midnight kiss thing?

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I do not have any relationship drama to report. All has been very quiet on this western front. There was a guy in my journal club last year who I thought was cute. He asked me out, but then it was finals season and things just sort of…petered out? I wasn’t too surprised, if I’m being honest. I just sort of lose interest after a while. This, however, does not mean that you should feel like you can’t talk to me about Emily. As an older sister, someone who worked as an RA in undergrad, and an avid consumer of reality dating shows (only on sister night, of course), I have had a thorough education on relationships. You can think of it as helping me on my quest for socialization.

I’ve attached a picture of my baby! (It’s my new bike, duh.) I’ll be seeing the kids in a few days and I’ll ask them about using email. I’m also attaching a few paragraphs Taylor and I drafted for the funders’ report. Let me know your thoughts! My schedule is pretty open for the next week until classes start, so just send me a google calendar invite for whenever would be best to Skype.

Don’t laugh but I never even knew what pesto was until your email. I dropped by this Italian deli near my place today and they ended up having some. I’m going to try it with pasta tonight, I think. I’m also adding lasagna to my ongoing list of recipes that maybe I’ll be brave enough to attempt one day. You’re officially expanding my palate.

Talk to you soon,

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come chat on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites if you want!


	12. Chapter 12

January 4, 2012, 10:14pm

Hey Alex,

Oof, that sounds…distinctly un-fun. Maybe the family bit was fun? I don’t know your whole life story. But being the oldest person in the room is never a good time. This family down the street that’s kind of adopted me as their little American orphan decided I needed to see Naples for New Year’s Eve, so we went to visit the guy’s brother and his family and got to see this amazing fireworks display. At midnight we even threw some old pots out the window. Apparently they’d been busted for months, but instead of getting rid of them, they save them for symbolism about tossing out the old year. I couldn’t eat most of the New Year’s dishes because they’re mainly meat, but I did make sure to wear my bright red underpants for good luck (it’s a thing, I swear, I’m not just a weirdo who thought I should tell you about my underwear). Lots of cheek kisses, but nothing romantic for me at midnight. To be honest, I’m not really sure that these guys would have been down with the gays… They’re really nice, but they seem kind of traditional. Who knows, maybe they would have surprised me, but I’m not down to push my luck.

I suspect some peace and quiet on the relationship front is probably for the best, especially with the kind of schedule you keep. Ah yes, the rapid transition from, “well he’s sort of cute,” to, “nope, not into it.” That sounds…familiar haha. I suspect you’d need someone brilliant to keep up with you for more than a couple of dates. Yeah, I don’t know. It was…almost five years we were together? But by the last year it sort of felt like we weren’t even a couple. It was just constant fighting. And so as upset as I was about the way it ended—we both said and did things we probably shouldn’t have, though if you ask most of the Italians here, it really wasn’t all that bad (I’m digressing, ignore me)—I don’t think it was a surprise to either of us. Though I suppose if you are such a reality television connoisseur, you might actually like the stories of fighting and drama and accusations and screams of, “You don’t deserve to be happy!” Like I said…little messy. Hopefully your socialization takes a better, happier form.

Phew, I thought I was gonna have to fake some enthusiasm for a real baby. I’m kidding…mostly. The pictures are just on Facebook all the time these days. I didn’t realize I was getting old enough to have friends who willingly had children, but I guess some of them are in their late-twenties now. It’s kind of horrifying if you think about it. Like, I’m over here trying to figure out if I have the patience to try making my own limoncello when I get back to the states in a sort of apartment speakeasy, and other people are out there deciding to make another fucking human being. Very nice bike, though! I’m sure your dad would be proud of how well-maintained it appears to be. I’ve attached a photo of mine. Uh, it’s a little NSFW, just as a warning. Rode it in Dykes on Bikes last year. I promise, I’m fully clothed! The woman behind me is…less so. But technically still decent!

I sent you a calendar invite for Skype—felt very white collar office job doing it. Now I just need a secretary named Linda who I can ask to clear my schedule and pick me up a coffee, no room for cream. Anyhow, just let me know if it works for you. If not, we can find another time. I figure, while I’ve still got this week off, we may as well do it sooner rather than later. The report looks good to me. I made a few suggestions using track changes and left a couple comments, but otherwise, no complaints on my end.

What??? That’s crazy! You’ve led such a deprived life. Alright, your Italian food education officially begins now. I’ll include a recipe each week to make sure you’re being properly fed and cultured :p How’d you like the pesto, by the way? The stuff in Genoa was…holy shit, so amazing. I found this little hole in the wall place down an alley that was just to die for. And who knows, down in an alley, maybe I could have! Still worth it. I’ll be headed back to home base in Sicily tomorrow with long train rides (including a train-on-ferry bit that still confuses me a little) ahead of me. I’ll try to write you an actual letter from there. Can’t promise anything about the quality of my handwriting on an old train chugging along through the countryside, but we’ll see! I’m going to feel very American ex-pat author in Europe. Now I just need to find myself a friend group with couple of married bisexuals with an open relationship to really seal the deal. If you have any leads on where I might find some…let a girl know.

Ciao,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come chat with us on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites! And thank you for all of the comments <3 they've made our days!


	13. Chapter 13

January 5, 2012, 11:45pm

Hey,

Your message sent me down a Wikipedia spiral of unusual New Year’s customs from around the world and there are some gems. Did you know that in some parts of South America people also wear red underpants on New Year’s so that the next year will be filled with love? My personal favorite, however, is a tradition from a village in Peru where people settle their differences at the end of the year via fist fight. That way everyone gets to start off the year on a fresh slate. Not that I want to duke it out with anyone necessarily, but it must be cathartic to actually resolve and then set aside disputes. It seems almost healthy compared to just letting things fester.

There’s also supposedly something about a Swiss tradition where they drop ice cream on the floor, but I haven’t found any reputable sources to support that claim. I’m sure my sister would be incredibly upset if she learned that ice cream was being wasted—even hypothetically. She has the biggest sweet tooth.

Yikes…it sounds like things really got rough with Emily towards the end. Five years is a really long time. I’ll be honest: I can’t believe she said those things to you. You seem like a pretty great person. Your kids write absolutely glowing things about you in their letters, you have a great bike (your scantily clad passenger would clearly seem to agree haha), you’re clearly smart and have your life at least somewhat together if you’re on a Fulbright, and you look pretty great in all the pics you’ve sent me. You speak Italian, for Christ’s sake. A ROMANCE language. I’m pretty sure those red underpants of yours will be an omen for a great year to come.

Sorry for the brevity of this message. I’ve had a pretty full day and I just wanted to get something to you before I fell asleep tonight. Talk to you about the notes for the board soon. Also, I may be trying to make that lasagna this weekend. Don’t be surprised if you somehow end up hearing about a five alarm fire in my neighborhood. Just know that it will clearly be your fault.

Best,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come chat on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites if you want to!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments continue to be delightful, and we have so much fun reading them over dinner (which last night was homemade pesto thanks to the fic bringing up some old memories of our early days of dating when I'd just moved back from Italy), so thanks for all of the engagement <3

January 8, 2012, 8:56pm

Hey Alex,

First of all, so sorry about the terrible Skype connection this morning…I knew the internet wasn’t great in my apartment, but I didn’t realize quite how terrible it was either. And additional apologies for the fact that my face was frozen in such an unattractive pose for so long until things loaded enough for me to close out of the window… Anyhow, I thought it was a pretty productive call once we switched over to voice only!

Also, happy Festa del tricolore! And happy belated Epiphany! One of my neighbors (I assume) left me a box of zeppole with a note signed only “La Befana,” which was pretty adorable. She’s kind of tragic—La Befana, not my neighbor (the whole story is that she brings presents to kids now because she fucked up and said no to the wisemen and such and died before she could find baby Jesus), but also she’s a witch who delivers presents on a broom, and that seems pretty awesome. Some of the kids from my class invited me down for a little pageant and play that their families helped to arrange. They’re good kids, even if they can get a little antsy in class.

Those are all fascinating traditions! Hopefully the Wikipedia spiral didn’t set you back too much on your actual work, but I imagine it’s good to take a break every now and then, even if it’s for something other than socialization. I gotta say, I wouldn’t mind a good old-fashioned fistfight… It’d be like a less deadly version of a duel, which sounds pretty great. Not quite ready to put my life on the line, but I could risk a broken nose. Plus, I think I’m pretty scrappy.

Ah yeah…letting ice cream go to waste does seem like an odd choice. But then again, I suppose most traditions seem weird when you didn’t grow up with them. Sounds like you’re close with your sister, even if you’re a bit different. That must be nice! I’m sure she misses you. Is she following in your footsteps with the scientist route?

Thanks, Danvers. I mean, I was definitely to blame for some of it. I think we probably should have known we weren’t quite compatible earlier on. It was one thing in undergrad. Ya know? You kinda date around because it’s a thing to do. It was nice having someone, and Emily was pretty. And she was smart and nice in her own way, but things just…we didn’t have many shared interests. And she’d get so nervous about me out on my bike or try to tell me that being a cop would be a waste of a college education and besides it was so dangerous. And I get that it’s dangerous, and it’s not even like I’m supportive of all the aspects of policing, but there are things that I found appealing about it—like, if I could actually use it to make a difference or emphasize the “justice” side of the equation. I don’t know, I think there’s some really good work that could be done with supporting communities instead of fucking them over even more. And she just…she didn’t seem to think those reasons were enough to justify it because it would make her nervous. She didn’t really listen to what I wanted because she thought I wasn’t really thinking about what I would want long-term. And then I applied for Fulbright, and she was pissed that I was going to voluntarily leave for a year or two, even though I kept talking about why I felt like I needed to do it. And I just…it’s such a pet peeve of mine when people don’t listen. And then because I felt like I wasn’t being heard, I lashed out, but she wasn’t big on fighting (not that you should be big on fighting…god, I’m rambling, and I didn’t even have that much table wine tonight – I just mean, like, sometimes fighting and getting everything out there is good. Like you said, it might be healthier than letting it fester. But she was a little WASP-y, and that was kind of their way of doing things in her family). So I kind of closed myself off, and then I made mistakes I’m not going to excuse away, and it all went to shit. But I’m here! And apparently being open with you to a surprising degree. Maybe there was more table wine than I thought. But also I’ve heard good things about the whole “being open with people” thing. Maybe it’s for the best.

Anyhow, you flatter me. Also, that’s adorable that the kids talk about me in their letters! Now I want to ask my students if their pen-pals say anything about you…I bet they think you’re totally intimidating in the best of ways.

No worries. I’m sure I’ve rambled for much too long now. I hope you don’t set anything on fire! I’d hate for Stanford’s fiery destruction to be my fault. But do send pictures if it turns out! I’m off to enjoy a quiet last day of break before we start back up at school again. I’m sure the students will be even more rambunctious than usual with all the sugar from their desserts and the lack of practice sitting still for long periods of time.

Ciao,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're both off for "extreme weather" so if you want to come chat in the comments or social media @sapphicscholarwrites, we always love to hear your thoughts!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like you to know that my fiancée spent breakfast today making me look at this post (https://imgur.com/gallery/gFYsD) and laughing hysterically and trying to make me understand why it was so funny, which is basically to say, she makes a great Alex and I wanna acknowledge that cause she's brand new to fic writing and I think she's killing it 
> 
> Also, please note that we've added time stamps to the emails. The dates have always mattered to make the timing of certain things clear, but time stamps will help make it more obvious when things are happening and also differentiate between emails and any hand-written letters being sent (since Maggie doesn't have an email signature to make it obvious)

January 9, 2012, 8:02am

Hi Maggie,

In line for coffee. Late for lab session, but I just wanted to dash this off...

1) Unfair. Who do I have to petition to make the anonymous delivery of pastries to my door an American tradition? Sounds like an inverse Halloween.

2) Sent you a draft of my notes for the end of year report. Expect a draft of final write-up by COB Friday. Would you mind sending a brief (1 to 2 paragraphs) bio and a headshot? I suppose I could always include the drawings Francesco sent Michael, but I was thinking you'd want something more professional haha

And don't worry about the Skype connection, I thought you looked great.

Best,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

\----

January 10, 2012, 2:17am

Hi again Maggie,

Hope you're enjoying your zeppoles. I'm still super bitter that that’s not a tradition here. My mind is also still reeling from your description of the chocolate festival coming up. (If it’s not readily apparent, Kara is not the only Danvers with a sweet tooth…) Since you asked, Kara is not “following in my footsteps.” Don't get me wrong she’s *absurdly* smart, but it’s not what she wants. She’s definitely not the kind of person who would be happy trapped in a lab just so maybe someone finds her research in an obscure journal and then maybe does something with it. She wants to do things that directly help people. She's not quite sure what she wants to do yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up being an investigative journalist or something like that.

That’s tough, Maggie. I imagine it’s hard when you’ve spent so much time with someone, and then they’re just not in your life anymore. I went through something like that once. It’s not the same as, you know, a relationship, but I still miss her? I don’t know, I’m not exactly known for having the best coping mechanisms, but you seem to be doing all the right things. Hopefully getting to be in a new place with new people will help keep your mind off it. Hey! Maybe next year you can invite her down to Peru and battle it out once and for all? Get some closure.

Or you could not do that and find someone better. Someone who actually shares your interests, listens to you, and supports you.

Also I just wanted to say thanks? Today was…a bit of a mess, and I'm just now getting some room to breathe. It was really nice getting to go read over an email that wasn’t related to my research or graduation timelines or anything else.

Anyway, I'm heading to bed now.

Night,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites if you wanna chat


	16. Chapter 16

January 10, 2012, 7:06pm

Hi Alex,

Before I forget, I’ve attached a bio and a real headshot (or, well, it’s the closest I had). I’m so very intrigued by what Francesco sent…I hope it was flattering, at the very least. By the way, I asked around in a general way to see if anyone wrote about you. So far we’ve gotten a “scary smart”—that one my students didn’t quite get at first, since it’s not exactly a common phrase here—“cool,” and “pretty with a really cool motorcycle.”

As for the zeppole, well, it’s quite the mystery! So far all the typical suspects have been surprised when I mentioned it and denied doing it when I asked. At this point, I’m beginning to think it really was La Befana come to visit me! Maybe to warn me that I too will end up a lonely old witch…kidding. For the most part. It’s just…I’m really happy to be abroad, don’t get me wrong. And it was definitely the right time to leave. But sometimes it gets a little lonely. Like, as much as Emily and I fought, at least I had my person, you know? I knew there was someone who would answer my texts or calls, who I could talk to about my day and not worry that it was a total imposition. Which is absolutely not to say that you’re imposing on me just because you complained a little bit about your day! God, I think I’d go so fucking stir crazy in a lab all that time… I’m sure you’re doing really important research, so obviously it’s worthwhile at the end of the day, but it takes a really particular brand of devotion and passion, and it’s awesome that you have it. But, so as not to fill your inbox with things that remind you of work, let me continue to ramble about non-work things! Just know that I’m always here for you if you need someone to listen or to send a virtual hug your way.

Right, the chocolate festival! I’m so excited. I don’t have as big of a sweet tooth as you and your sister, I think, but it’s also just a neat event that brings together a lot of people from around Florence where they get to show off their craft and meet with locals and tourists. Plus, I can’t wait to go visit all of the art museums while I’m in the area. And then there’s supposed to be a lesbian bookstore hidden down some side street that I’d love to find my way to. I just, well, nevermind. I don’t know that it’ll make sense to you. But I sorta…I feel really welcome in my new city, and the students are great, and their families have had me over for dinner, as have my neighbors. But there are crucifixes in so many of the living rooms and Catholic Churches all over the place, and it feels a little claustrophobic, like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes, trying to remember not to show some part of myself. And it’s not like I absolutely need to be dating someone, but it’d be nice to find a little refuge where I can let my guard down. Every time I’ve tried looking, the places that pop up as being so LGBTQ-friendly are all really just for gay men. And that’s great! Honestly, I’m super happy that the city is so welcoming and has so many spots for them. But it doesn’t do much for me… There were obviously places in America that sucked—Blue Springs, Nebraska, falling pretty high on that list—but at least I knew the codes, you know? Or, I guess, no, you probably don’t. Sorry, I don’t know that I’m overly coherent. No drinking, just feeling a bit like I’m in a funk. Maybe it’s the season. I’m sure I’ll be feeling back to my old self soon enough, so you should probably just ignore me.

It sounds like you really love your sister—that’s awesome! I hope she’s able to figure out what it is that drives her and just go for it. I mean, obviously the whole “do what you love” thing is a little naïve and super oblivious to all the built in privilege that goes along with it, but it’s nice to find something that gets you out of bed in the morning. If you want, maybe I’ll try mailing some chocolates back for you (and Kara, if you feel up to sharing). The festival isn’t until February, though, so you’ve got time. Right around Valentine’s Day, actually, though keep your fingers crossed for me that they don’t try to celebrate the bullshit Hallmark holiday here the way they do in the US where it looks like someone threw up hearts and pink and red everywhere.

I’m sorry. Even if it was a friend breakup—or maybe it’s more, I don’t want to make assumptions, and I’m sorry if I have!—they still hurt. A lot. Because you still had someone that loved you, even if it was a kind of different way, and you two spent all that time together, getting to know each other better than even your family knew you, and then all the sudden it’s like none of it even mattered. They’re gone, but it’s like they still have a little piece of you? Oh my god, I sound like one of those emo scene kids from high school, and I’m gonna shut up before I humiliate myself even more. Just know that your thing isn’t any less valid or painful, and if you ever want to talk about her, I’m here for that too. But you’ve also got me—not that I’m in any way shape or form a replacement for someone that was close enough to hurt you like that, but still, for whatever it’s worth, I’m here. Well, I’m in Italy, but electronically, totally there.

Sorry today’s note was a bit of a bummer. I promise I’ll do better next time! Maybe I’ll throw in a nice healthy measure of table wine to get me talking haha.

Best,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites if you ever want to chat


	17. Chapter 17

January 11, 2012, 1:57am

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for the the bio. Looks great. Sorry if this isn't completely coherent. I'm checking email before I go to bed. and I'm wiped. I have a meeting with my research advisor coming up and I feel like I haven't made enough progress at all since we last met up before the holiday break. It's just...there's the research and then grant applications and then submitting articles to journals and then trying to figure out if i go the postdoc route or do a clinical residency or both. I just feel like I'm never actually doing enough. I went out with a few friends tonight and they just all seem to be managing better than I am.

Sorry it's just...I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to anyone? My mom and Kara just sort of expect me to be super put together. They both have enough on their plates already and the last thing I want to do is to give her one more thing to worry about.

Maybe we're both in a funk? I hope you find the space you need while you're away. Until then I'm definitely here for you too. If not in person, then at least electronically. The true Danvers way of dealing with uncomfortable emotions is fried food and wine. You're in Italy so I know you've got wine. If you ever find La Befana and somehow manage to tap a supernatural eternal source of fried pastry, you know exactly who to call.

Night  
-Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites! BearsInCastles is occasionally also on Tumblr at the same name because she's invested in not having her own but also likes distraction and gifs as much as the rest of us


	18. Chapter 18

January 11, 2012, 1:55pm

Hey Alex,

I imagine you’re probably still asleep, but I saw your message and just want to make sure you’re alright. I’ve included a link to a list of some of the best puppy pictures. Hopefully you’re a dog person… Otherwise, I mean, presumably puppy photos still cheer up most people?

Anyway, I really need to run before I’m late for post-lunch lessons, but I hope your meeting with your advisor goes well! I’m sure you’re doing better than you think. For one, no one ever really lets on about how stressed out they are or how fucked up their mental health is. So we all go around thinking we’re the only ones who drew the shit end of the stick, even though we’re definitely not. And second of all, if they’re doing marginally better, it’s probably because they’re not doing nearly so much as you. I mean, first of all, you’re doing a project that really matters. Like, you’re tackling alien health and stuff that no one else has really been doing. And then you’re saying yes to all those side projects your advisor mentions, when other people probably say no to some—or don’t even get offered as many because their advisors don’t think so highly of them. And then on top of all of that, you’re volunteering with those kids! That’s amazing! It really fucking is. Don’t sell yourself short, Danvers. You’re an incredible woman, and any lab or advisor or whatever would be damn lucky to have you.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, we're on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites
> 
> And in case any of you needed some virtual cheering as much as Alex, here are some dogs (and more generally, cute animals) from 2011 and 2012-era Buzzfeed for you:   
> https://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/incredible-photos-of-animals-from-2011?utm_term=.yyg2YE7ox#.mee5m36Aq
> 
> https://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-40-greatest-dog-gifs-of-2012-6z51?utm_term=.ysVNY3Lze#.hvQdRAWgM


	19. Chapter 19

January 14, 2012, 4:30pm

Alex?

I don’t want to be clingy or anything, but are you alright? I’m a little worried. Maybe you just got a new research project or volunteered for more hours, and that’s totally cool if you don’t have time for more than the monthly notes we send with our students. Speaking of: we’ll be getting together a new batch of notes now that we’re back in school and mailing them next week. I’ll make sure to include one. But yeah, if you don’t have time to write back and forth, I get that; it wasn’t part of the commitment when you volunteered to have your students do the project, and that’s fine. I’ll miss talking to you, but obviously you should put yourself and your studies first. But if you ever did want to talk about this stuff, that’s okay too. Sometimes families have ideas about what you need that aren’t perfect. Like, their idea of love might be pushing you to get perfect grades and publish as much as possible, when maybe your idea of a good life is something that looks totally different, like…I don’t know, being a doctor to aliens who doesn’t get to publish or something. I, uh, my family and I don’t really see eye to eye on some things either, so you shouldn’t feel guilty for being different from them.

On a more pleasant note, I’ve got a fascinating update for you: La Befana has struck again! I’m so goddam curious because obviously now it’s not the season anymore, which means it’s like…a thing, right? Because before it could have been one day of generosity; now it’s a repeated phenomenon. Anyhow, this time they left me a little white box of cannoli. Maybe it’s a student? Some of them are really sweet, and a few have invited me over for dinner and such to make sure I’m feeling welcomed. I will get to the bottom of this! It’s just like Rizzoli and Isles. I shall find my culprit! If only I had a partner here to help me solve the case. Alas, I’ll have to go it solo…

Til next time,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	20. Chapter 20

January 16, 2012, 10:22am

Hi Maggie,

Hope all is well! I’m sorry for not responding. I’m fine. Just been busy trying to get back into the swing of things as the semester starts up.

I dropped off the latest batch of letters from my class at the post office. You should be receiving them soon.

Best regards,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So BearsInCastles thinks we should wait until tomorrow to post the next update, but she's out all night, so I might sneak back in over dinner to make up for the short (though rather in character) reply we got today. We'll see if she can convince me that the antici.........pation is worth it.


	21. Chapter 21

January 22, 2012, 11:16pm

Hi Maggie,

Sorry… I feel like the last email I sent sounded very brusque. I wasn’t lying about being busy this past week, but I still should have been in touch. You were worried and I left you hanging. I’m sorry about that.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. About who I am, my work, the life I want to live—all those big existential things. It’s been a little overwhelming to say the least. I skirted over it in our previous exchanges, but my dad passed away several years ago. He was a scientist too, like my mom. He taught me about the stars, let me tinker with whatever was going on in his workshop, and back then things just felt so much easier. Even when they were hard.

It’s not a pain that ever really goes away, is it? Losing a family member, I mean. It hurts less sometimes and then something reminds you and then all the times you weren’t feeling badly suddenly feel like a betrayal. I think I’ve been keeping my candle burning at both ends all these years just so I don’t have time to think. I’ve tried my best to keep myself moving and together because I’m not the only who felt the world collapse when he died. I try to keep it together so mom and Kara don’t have to.

I wanted to thank you for your messages earlier. It’s nice to have someone who knows I may not being doing perfectly all the time, but still looks out for me. I’m not necessarily used to the whole being open about my insecurities thing. I know you’re going through your own stuff, but hearing you talking about it is helping me too.

Anyway! The La Befana plot thickens! Detective Sawyer is on the case!

Keep me updated!

Best,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites, though we're also loving the hell out of your comments here <3


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up - the chapter deals with some of Maggie's canon-compliant backstory, so if that's not something you feel up to reading, you can skip the 6th paragraph

January 25, 2012, 11:44pm

Hi Alex,

No need to apologize, really. It’s not like, I don’t know, you don’t owe me anything, obviously. But it is good to know you’re alive, if quite busy. And thanks for trusting me? That seems like maybe the wrong word. I don’t know, I don’t think trust is a thing I can just claim to have and then have it. Does that make sense? I’m gonna apologize in advance and blame this letter not on table wine, but on negroni. They taste…strong. And a little more bitter than I like. But it’s doing its job. Because you were open, and I should be too.

First of all, asking the big existential questions is great. I mean, it sucks while it’s happening, but those are all so important. And it’s so great that you’re not just going to be one of those people that thinks the first decision they made is the best one and they should stick with it forever and ever. How are you feeling now? I hope a little better?

I’m so sorry for bringing up your dad a lot in earlier letters. If I had realized, I wouldn’t have phrased things the way I think I remember doing it. It sounds like you two meant a lot to each other, and I’m sure he’d be so proud of you, Alex. I know that things feel overwhelming, but I believe in you. God, I believe that you could literally do anything you set your mind to. I looked up some of your research, you know? Back when you first mentioned it. And I know that a lot of what you do probably can’t be published or whatever, but the stuff out there about you—it’s all really fucking impressive. And I can’t imagine anyone out there who wouldn’t be proud of you for all that you’ve accomplished. Feeling like, like it’s hard or overwhelming—tht just makes you human. It doesn’t make you less successful or anything.

No, it’s not a thing that goes away. It’s a pain that you just live with. But, I mean, I can’t dictate your life or anything, but feeling okay and not constantly grieving—it doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re betraying the people who aren’t there. It’s good that you’re still living. Because you are. You’re alive, and you shouldn’t be mad at yourself for it. But also, you’re allowed to hurt and break apart a little bit. I get wanting to be strong and all, and obviously death impacts everyone in a person’s life, but there’s no rule that says that you’re the one who has to shoulder everything, you know? Your mom and your sister—they’re their own people. And you deserve the time and space to process things on your own without trying to be the support for everyone else first. Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

I, uh, I haven’t been 100% honest with you along the way either. I didn’t lie! Not really. I just…well, once you said something in a letter. Hold on, I’m gonna go find it.

Okay, I have it now. And another drink. I think the negroni is growing on me. You said, “Your family must miss you!” They don’t. I mean, maybe they do now, but they miss the person they wanted me to be, not me-me. And so, you talked about the pain of losing family. And I get it. I, uh, I lost my family when I came out. I went to go l ive with my aunt. And she was great and all, and I so don’t want to make it sound like I lived some deprived childhood, but she really wasn’t old enough to have a 14 year old responsibility thrust on her just because she was the only one who didn’t think I was some horrible fuckign disgrace to the whole family. And it’s different, I know. Because my family is still alive. I think. I mean, we don’t talk. But I google them sometimes just to see if anything pops up. I don’t really know how I’m going to feel when something finally does. But they’ve made it quite clear they want nothing to do with me and my “lifestyle.” And sometimes I feel guilty because, right, they still raised me for the first 14 years, even if they decided I was shit out of luck after that. But I shouldn’t have to be the one to change, you know? And then I feel guilty because I’m still holding onto this anger. But it’s my right. It was fucked up, and no, it’s not something I dwell on every day, but it…it fucked me up a little, you know? How could it not? I don’t know. I’m pretty much over it. That’s not true either. But I don’t think about it all the time. And that’s probably good. Anyhow, you don’t have to say anything back. It’s a weird thing. Because what do you even say? Like, sorry. Well nah, you didn’t fuckin do it. They did.

Don’t worry about it. I’m happy to be there for you. Everyone needs someone in their corner, even—no, especially, when it feels like maybe you don’t deserve someone there in the moment.

In a last ditch attempt to make this letter suck less, have this paragraph I wrote earlier in case you decided you still had time for me: Yet again! Box of sweets! Signed only, “La Befana!” This time it was a tiny little assortment of marzipan fruits. Have you ever had marzipan? I know the taste isn’t for everyone. When I was little, I always let mine go bad because they looked so pretty and delicate, and it seemed like I was going to ruin it if I ate it. I’m still pacing myself, so I only had one—a little pear that was colored just perfectly. I’ll save the rest for later.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites!


	23. Chapter 23

January 28, 2012, 3:09am

Hi Maggie,

Hey, no, it’s good to be reminded sometimes. Besides, how were you to know? Also, I kinda want to print out paragraphs 2-4 of your last email and just plaster multiple copies of it over my lab bench.

Then I got to the bit about your family and well...fuck.

I’m not sure if it’s my place to say this, but…who the fuck does that? I mean, okay, I really don’t know your family, and all family drama is rather unique and specific, and you don’t always want someone else judging a thing they don’t totally understand. But seriously, in the same way that you made sure I knew that I deserved to grieve, I want you to know that you didn’t deserve that kind of bigoted bullshit. You were a child. I mean, obviously you grew up into a badass, and it’s clear you managed to defy their ridiculously misguided expectations, but still. Fuck that. Okay, I’m going to stop now because I’m not sure if it was even welcome in the first place, and you probably already know everything I’m saying, but seriously that story makes me just want to punch things. You didn’t deserve that.

Since we’re all about being honest apparently, I just wanted to reiterate how much I appreciate these exchanges. I haven't really talked about things like feelings in a long time. Or well really I’ve talked a lot about other people’s feelings—my friends’, my family’s, even my residents’ when I was an RA. I’m just not good at talking about my own. I don’t know if it’s a byproduct of writing things out with a (relative) stranger, or if it’s your absurdly verbose (delightfully so! Seriously, I mean this in the BEST way) letters, but it’s easier to talk about things with you.

When my mom was working on her dissertation she got really into evolutionary morphology and I remember her talking about this phenomenon called carcinisation. Basically there are some physical forms that are just SO good they evolve multiple times completely independently from one another because they are optimal for survival/reproduction (it’s more complicated than that but it’s late, and I want to: 1) go to bed, and 2) hold onto SOME level of coolness in your eyes, and somehow I feel like generating a brief literature review of zoological theory might prevent me from accomplishing either of those goals). Specifically, carcinisation refers to the theory that nature loves **crabs**. By some estimates, creatures with crab-like morphologies have evolved independently at least 5 separate times.

Ugh I can't believe I’m doing this because I hate when people use science to make metaphors that don’t super work but it’s 3 am and I think this is my roundabout way of saying that maybe the way I’ve adapted for my environment is suboptimal? Maybe I’ve been holding onto coping strategies that worked when I was younger, but aren't really sustainable? Maybe I’m not who I’m supposed to be yet?

Ok I read the last two paragraphs over again and I have made two realizations: 1) the metaphor is just as cringey as I thought it was. I totally see why I didn't do too well in the Creative Writing class I took in undergrad that was supposed to be an easy A. 2) I think I may have suggested that I need to evolve into a crab and I have it on pretty good authority that I’m crabby enough. Clearly things have gone very very awry.

“In a last ditch attempt to make this letter suck less…” Maggie, your letters could never suck. It sounds like you have an admirer, which like of course you do! That’s great! Anyway, I’ve hit that point in the evening where caffeine must be making my heart beat faster without doing anything to actually make me feel more alert. Time to leave the library.

Night!

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	24. Chapter 24

January 28, 2012, 8:50pm

Hi Alex,

I’m still sorry. It sucks to have something painful brought up again and again, and I know what it’s like to balance the desire to be like hey…can we not? With the equally strong desire to seem normal and avoid the pitying looks that you do whenever you say you lost a family member (or a whole family). Oh wow, that’s sweet, though I fear my email wasn’t my best with the drinks that went into it (also, please, if I drink negroni again, just cut me off at one. I felt like death literally steamrolled me for almost two full days).

Yeah, I don’t…I mean, I appreciate the whole righteous indignation thing—at least from you. I don’t, I know we don’t know each other that well—or maybe that’s not even true anymore, but we know each other differently than I know the people I see day-to-day—but somehow I suspect when you say things that other people have said, they’re genuine in a way they’re normally not. You’re not trying to polish up your savior persona. I think you’d actually maybe punch someone for me. Not that I’m asking, but…it’s nice to know someone out there would be willing.

I appreciate the letters too. I don’t actually know if I’ve ever said it back to you, but it’s true. I’m so open about certain things—maybe even too open if you ask some people—but I don’t really talk about some of the stuff we’ve gotten into with other people. And you’re right; it is good to talk about it with someone. At least with someone I trust.

I liked your science metaphor. Though, uh, if you’re worried about sounding cool (and you’re basing that definition of coolness in not being genius-level smart), you probably fucked that up back in the early letters. But I like it, so don’t apologize. Plus, you’re not like the random historians or sociologists who throw in some science terms they vaguely remember from a intro-level course to make their analogies sound fancy; you actually know what you’re talking about, so I’ll take your word on it. Also, I’ll have you know that I am resisting making SO MANY jokes about crabs. (Like, know where else crabs has evolved at least 5 times? The Sigma Alpha Epsilon frat house. Okay, I’m done. Promise.)

Anyway, I think it’s a good way to think about the habits we’ve developed. God knows I probably should’ve given more thought to them when I was with Emily. Or just in general. But you know what? I don’t think we’re becoming malformed crabs (to use your metaphor). Or we are? Fuck, I don’t know. I get the theory, but I cannot say the crab bit without giggling (only one glass of table wine—apparently sometimes I still have the sense of humor of a middle school boy). Point is: yeah, okay, we probably both have some bad habits. And I’m so proud of you for looking and thinking critically about them and making a genuine effort to live your life in a way that’s more authentic or better for you or whatever it might be. And yeah, we’re probably not who we’re supposed to be yet. Not all the way. But! This is the whole point I was trying to get to… I think we’re both taking steps toward developing better ways of being. Right, had you asked me what I was gonna be talking about with my pen-pal in the beginning, I’d probably have said the food or my weekend travels. Maybe the kids in my classes. I would never have guessed that I’d be opening up about my childhood and my breakup with Emily and the way I feel about myself and my relationship (or lack thereof) with my family. And I doubt you’d have thought that you might be telling me as much as you did. So I’m calling it, right here, right now. We’re killing it. We’re forcing ourselves into a new evolutionary direction. And that’s fucking awesome. We’re fucking awesome. I like us. And nah, I’m deciding this isn’t cringey. And maybe you’re crabby, but it’s endearing. I like that I was the one who got through the hard exterior. Almost feel special, like I did something right.

You’re sweet—see, something underneath that crabby exterior after all! Ah, I don’t know about a secret admirer, but I’m never going to say no to free pastries. I hope you got out of the library before your heart exploded from too much caffeine last night (or, no, technically I guess this morning…try to sleep more, I don’t need my favorite pen-pal dying on me, okay?).

Ciao,  
Maggie

\---

January 29, 2012, 10:30am

Okay, so, I’m saying something I rarely say, but you were right and I was wrong about the secret admirer bit. Maybe. Point is: There was a note this time! La Befana wants me to meet them at the Catania Jazz Festival tonight! I probably won’t die, right? I mean, poisoning the pastries would’ve been the easiest method, and not once have I even gotten sick from any of them, which means it’s probably safe, yeah? Or maybe that’s the fun here. The fun is in the risk! Anyhow, this time it was, according to the little card inside the box, four Bacione di Taormina. They’re so tasty, Alex! I probably could have eaten 40 instead of 4. Anyhow…do you think it’s a secret admirer or something with the “kiss” bit? I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Maggie

\---

January 30, 2012, 12:49am

Paging almost-Dr. Danvers! I finally have answers! Okay, so, La Befana is really named Giulia. She’s the cousin of a girl in my grade; sometimes she picks her up after school, and I’ve definitely seen her around town. I think maybe I’ve even used her to keep pace when I go out running? I think she maybe also almost ran me over on a scooter once? In any case, she’s a real person and not some weirdo. I think. Apparently her little cousin talks about me a lot, and then Giulia kept running into me, and then she saw me casually walking around near some of the gay spas—really just for men, but I thought maybe I’d find gay ladies in the area heading to their own things—and figured it was worth the risk because she’s also a gay lady and apparently a gay lady that thinks I’m pretty cute. Anyhow, we went and saw the show together, then she took me out for drinks at a bar that definitely wasn’t a gay bar but seemed to be really accepting. More to come in the next letter when I’m less exhausted! I just wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t dead or anything—very much alive.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	25. Chapter 25

January 30, 2012, 8:13pm

Hi Maggie,

I had a half-written draft to each of your emails, but you keep beating me to the punch with pressing send. Sorry things are crazy here again. I’m working on a grant application with my advisor while also trying to train a bunch of our new undergrads on procedures and trying to clean up some super buggy script written by an overwhelmed Master’s student.

Glad your secret admirer is not so secret anymore. I’m sure you and her will be plenty busy, so don’t worry about emailing me. Like I said I have a ton of stuff going on this week so it’s totally ok.

Best,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites. Heads up in advance: tomorrow's chapter may be up later than usual unless I can convince BearsInCastles to take over the posting duties for the day. If you've got a nerdy joke thrown into the author's notes, it's probably her. If it's half-incoherent, it may well be me post-surgery


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BearsInCastles forgot to post (ahem, dear), so here’s today’s short update. Tomorrow’s will be up when I’m in less pain and don’t have a mouth full of blood. Byeee

January 31, 2012, 7:15pm

Wait, Danvers? I never said I didn’t have time for you! Feel free to hit me with those drafts! Nothing wrong with a lengthy email, right? Didn’t you say something about my verboseness (verbosity?) being charming?

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	27. Chapter 27

February 3, 2012, 11:24pm

Alex?

Hey, I feel like I must have said something wrong. And I’m really sorry. Was it the science metaphor? Maybe I shouldn’t have kept going with it… I, uh, I mean, like I said before, I get it if you’re too busy to write. But if you’re not, I promise I’m always going to make time for you. Yeah, Giulia and I have gone on a couple of dates, but I still come back and check for your emails. They’re still, I don’t know, the best part of my day. Well, not these days. Because there aren’t any. But, like I said, if it’s a thing on your end, totally fine if you don’t have time for them anymore. Just, uh, let me know?

Hope the other student hasn’t royally fucked things up too much for you. I’m sure the grant app will go great knowing you and your work ethic.

Best,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites
> 
> And fear not, long letters will be returning shortly, though posting times may vary as I'll be popping in and out of new time zones over the next two weeks and trying to force myself to adjust


	28. Chapter 28

February 5, 2012, 11:27am

Hi Maggie,

It’s totally cool. I’ve just been super busy and my inbox has been inundated with undergrads asking for help so I think your emails just got a little buried. I also didn’t want to take away from your time with Giulia. She must be pretty amazing if her baking is any indication.

The best part of your day, huh? That’s actually really sweet. In that case, here are some incredibly scintillating details about last week: I discovered a new coffee shop where they sell these cupcakes where the cake bit was the actual size of a mug. It was glorious. One of our new lab assistants micropipetted 0.000000000011 liters instead of 0.0000000000109 liters while setting up one of our trials. It undid a week of work. It was my turn to do a presentation at journal club and I think I sort of killed it. Meanwhile, the grant app process is slowly killing me. Turns out even senior academics don’t always understand how to use track changes. Whatever, the deadline is coming up so at least it will be done soon…before it’s onto conference applications and journal submissions. I think after the week I’ve had I’ll definitely try to go out with the other grad students to the bars this weekend. Socialization, right?

Anyway, hope you had a good week!

-A

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	29. Chapter 29

February 8, 2012, 9:15pm

Hi Alex,

Good to hear from you. My week’s been fine. Classes. Students. Big patron saint festival this weekend—Saint Agatha. So…all the Catholic school memories. Giulia’s traveling this week, but we did dinner together on Saturday, then she took me out to her favorite coffee shop on the outskirts of town the next morning. They don’t have giant cupcakes, but they do have caffè corretto, and I think maybe it’s even better. Woke me the hell up after a long night, at least.

Sorry to hear about the lab assistant’s fuck up. Those are…some numbers. I’m sure you were great at your journal club. No real surprises here. Yeah, somehow it’s always the older people making the most money who can’t do the most basic shit to save their lives. God knows I should stop expecting a thank you, though.

Have fun with your classmates this weekend.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites!
> 
> Tomorrow BearsInCastles will be in charge of posting while I brave a cross-country flight (but seriously I'm fucking terrified of long flights), so be nice if it's late or formatting is off - she's new to this!


	30. Chapter 30

**February 9, 2012, 9:19am**

Hi Maggie,  

 

I’m glad things are going well with you and Giulia. Two dates in a row! Smooth operator haha. I’m sorry she’s traveling this week.

I know! The difference between the two is infinitesimally small but it has such a big ripple effect. I’m glad we caught it when we did before things really got out of whack. Miscommunication is such a bitch.

Thanks, Maggie! I normally go out by myself and sort of blow off steam where nobody knows who I am. They’re a pretty tight-knit bunch—I think they go out a lot, but I only get invited sometimes these days after turning them down so often—but hopefully it will be fun.

Talk to you soon!

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering 

 

\----

 

**Draft from Maggie Sawyer's Inbox:**

Alex,

Yeah, it’s a shame she’s gone for a bit, though it was definitely more of a one long date kind of thing than two in a row. 

Yeah…would hate to see more miscommunications. Like you going days and days without responding to anything when I’ve opened up to you. Thank god “we” caught it before  _you_  had to feel what it was like to be on the other side of it. 

 

 

\---

**February 9, 2012, 10:51pm**

Hey again Maggie,

Sorry I just re-read your email again. I think I read it too quickly the first time. Is everything ok? It just seemed…off. Not your usual self. I know you said you should “stop expecting a thank you.” Is something going on with work?

Let me know what’s going on.  If you want to Skype sometime this weekend let me know. I’m here for you.

Best,

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SapphicScholar is away so I'm doing this whole posting thing. 
> 
> Just want to say thank you for all the comments. It's been really fun watching you guys unpack each chapter. We get really excited when you pick up on the little breadcrumbs we scatter. We'll see if Alex is as close a reader as all of you are proving yourselves to be.


	31. Chapter 31

**February 10, 6:34pm**

Hi Alex,

No—it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. Just some frustrations.

No, actually, we’re trying the open thing, yeah? I don’t—this time of year fucking sucks. I’m on a train up to Florence for the chocolate festival, and I’d be down for candy, but everyone keeps acting like it’s some romantic thing just because some stupid imported holiday is fast approaching. And the holiday is fucking meaningless and it just—it brings up shit that doesn’t exactly make me feel great. Remember how I mentioned I got kicked out of my house? Yeah, it was on Valentine’s Day. And it’s not like it’s some fresh wound that should bother me, but I’m just…not really up for trying to celebrate. And it’s not like I’m close enough to Giulia to tell her, so she’s asking me to bring her back something good for Valentine’s Day and saying we’ll go out and do some picnic or some bullshit. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having to act like everything is always great, and I’m never annoyed about anything. And you know what? I don’t like having to worry about you and whether you’re alive or okay or whatever. I don’t like feeling like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes and having no reason why you disappear and go silent on me. So I’m here, being honest with you about things I don’t tell other people. And not just in a shallow way—I genuinely do not ever tell other people about this part of my life. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go disappearing for weeks on end only to come back and act like nothing happened and I’m just supposed to be here…what? Waiting? Acting like nothing happened? Jesus, I care about you, Alex!

Sorry, I’m sure you’ve got your own shit going on with the lab. Anyway, just…have fun with your classmates, alright? I’m sure it’ll go better than you expect it to go, per usual.

Maybe once this holiday is finally over, I’ll be in a better mood.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it's Bears again! SapphicScholar is away so we didn't get to chat over your comments over the dinner table, but they definitely warmed my heart.


	32. Chapter 32

February 10, 2012, 9:10pm

Maggie,

I’m sorry. Valentine’s Day is a truly terrible holiday with all of the expectations for love and successful relationships, and I can’t imagine what it’s like to have that whole other level of stuff piled on top of it. I am also a little terrified that you can travel across an entire ocean and not escape it.

Just to repeat what I said earlier. I’m here for you. I’m sorry for stressing you out. I won’t disappear again. We can talk more tomorrow? I’ll check back for emails from you tonight, but I’m at the bar now and am trying really hard to be present.

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

\---

February 10, 2012, 11:54pm

Ok actually you know what? Fuck you. You’re not the only person goint through shit, ok? It’s not just my work or wahtever. Sometimes I need a break from talking to you befauce duck. Things are easy with you and maybe I don’t ducking deserve that when it feels like the ressst of my life is going to shit

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

\----

February 11, 2:39am

How’d u know u wer gay?

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

\----

February 11, 2012, 11:02am

SHIT FUCK. Don’t read those last two emails. Please.

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SapphicScholar again for a hot second dropping in before I have to leave again to say that your comments are great <3 also planes are the worst thing ever, so if you could send good thoughts for tomorrow morning after the shitshow I went through a few days ago, it would be beyond appreciated!


	33. Chapter 33

February 11, 2012, 10:26pm

Hey, Alex?

Look, if you really want me to act like those last two emails never happened, I can do it. I mean in response to email 2 of 4, I’ll still apologize because I did make certain assumptions about what was going on in your life, and that wasn’t fair of me. And it sounds like…well, it sounds like something I can remember. And I was at a different stage in my life when it happened, but I still remember the stress and fear and anxiety that seemed to take up residence right on my chest and make everything seem so unbearable. Which brings us to email 3 of 4… I know that sometimes it feels like maybe it’d be easier to take something back, but in actuality, it’s for the best that it came out (no pun intended—sorry, maybe not the time or place).

How did I know I was gay? Well, you know the game MASH? I hope you do because otherwise you led a very deprived childhood—what with the no pesto too. In case you didn’t, you’d get a friend and go through all these categories for your future life, and you’d give two “good” options, then they’d put down two more options. Some people put down two truly awful options, but sometimes they were nicer and put one, like, so-so option along with the bad one. Anyhow, the first category—always the first, besides the MASH bit itself—was husband or wife. And, you know, being a girl, mine was always husband by default. And I’d always name the two most popular boys in the grade—just like most girls did. I mean, sometimes they’d swap out Jake for Justin—apparently J is the letter to have to be one of the popular boys—or whatever, but they may as well have been interchangeable. At least to me. Like, they registered as people, but it wasn’t like we were friends, and the difference basically came down to: sandy-haired or firmly brown-haired. I’m sure they had different color eyes or something that people knew about, but I sure as hell didn’t notice or care. The point is, people would come up with these intricate lists for what their perfect lives would involve. They were going to be famous actresses, and they’d be married to the most popular boy from middle school, who was now a lawyer or a professional football player, and they’d live in the mansion with three kids, and they’d be super rich and have a pet golden retriever. And I just…even when I got a near perfect card…it never felt like something I wanted.

Anyhow, MASH wasn’t, like, the sign from the heavens or whatever that I was gay, but it was a start. Because then my friends started doing more than just crushing on boys—they were kissing them sometimes and holding their hands and doing those innocent mall and movie dates that still felt like a really big deal in middle school. And once or twice boys asked me out, but not that much because, well, I didn’t fit in super well in Blue Springs to begin with, so it wasn’t like I was a hot commodity, even if I had a few friends from playing sports and being pretty decent at them. But we’d go out, and they’d hold my hand, and it wasn’t at all like my friends described. It was just…it felt clammy and gross and like absolutely nothing I wanted. And soon enough, boys stopped asking me, and it was better that way, even though sometimes it sucked because it didn’t stop my friends from going out with them, and so I got invited to even less stuff.

But then I started high school. And there were lots of new people because it was a couple of schools that got filtered into one big regional high school—and besides, I was coming from the Catholic school, so half of my classmates were going to the Catholic high school, but that one was a lot more expensive than the grade schools had been. Anyway, I made a new friend—best friend, really. Eliza. We did everything together. And she was just, god, she seemed so damn cool. And she actually seemed to want to be my best friend too. We’d do our homework together—or, not really, but that was the excuse for spending all of our time together, even on school nights. We’d hang out in her basement and watch shitty TV shows and sneak beer that made me want to gag the first few times I tried it and smoke cigarettes she’d stolen out of her dad’s jacket pockets, and it was a rush. At first I just thought it was because, well, you know…because we were doing things we shouldn’t, and at that age, it just seemed fun. Like, we felt like we were so fucking cool doing it.

But then, god, it’s gonna sound so fucking cheesy. I don’t know if you watched it, but on Buffy (yeah, the vampire show, don’t judge me, it was great), around the same time I was becoming best friends with Eliza was the same time as (spoiler alert!) Willow and Tara get together, and it wasn’t the first time I’d ever heard about gay people, but it was the first time I’d ever seen them be…happy. And they weren’t gay guys, either. They were two women who got to be together and happy (for a while, at least, but whatever, I’m still bitter). And I started to realize that maybe…that maybe what I was feeling for Eliza wasn’t just best friendship. Because sometimes we held hands, and hers weren’t clammy—they felt just right. And I started to think that kissing her would probably also feel just right. As it turns out, she didn’t feel the same. Parents found out. I got kicked out. Not really trying to relive it.

For a little while I thought that it’d be better if, like your second letter, I just said no, wait, never mind. This was all a huge misunderstanding. But I couldn’t ignore the way I felt any more than I could…I don’t know, make myself suddenly want the boys (Buffy reference, maybe you’ll catch it? Not the point here, though). Eventually I got out of small towns and got to college, and there were out gay people. And, okay, I went a little hard to prove things to myself and sort of dove face-first (if you’ll excuse the image) into the gay scene, and not everything was sunshine and rainbows, but god, it was like…like everything fell into place. Like on some of those dates, I understood how everyone else felt when they got the perfect card in MASH. It was like I was finally happy—finally had a glimpse of this life that was so right for me.

And I won’t pretend to know with any degree of certainty what your perfect card looks like, but if it’s just fear of what it might mean to admit that your husband column should be a wife one, then please listen to me when I say that it’s worth taking that risk. Because god, even with everything that went wrong with my coming out—and I’d change some of that for sure—I couldn’t imagine trying to be happy and at peace with myself any other way.

If you want to talk more, I’m always here for you, I promise. And, well, if you want me to be an open book, I’ll wait til after my table wine and answer any questions you might have. Honestly, I’m not—I’ve never wanted anyone else to be as confused and lonely as I was out alone in Blue Springs, so I’m not particularly shy about really anything as long as it’s coming from the right place. And knowing you, I’m not too worried.

You’ve got me in your corner, Danvers. No matter what.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both SapphicScholar and I are running on too little sleep (and in my case a little too much caffeine) on opposite ends of the country. We're reuniting today somewhere in the midwest* and I'm so excited.
> 
> Also, all of your comments improved my quality of life. It was as if I had briefly been transported into an alternate timeline where I had been born in Norway or some other Scandinavian country.
> 
> * Do not fear, we know where we're meeting, we're not just two East Coasters wandering through the fields of the Midwest hoping to find a lesbian, like a gay Catcher in the Rye...wait hasn't that already been done? Like a *lesbian* Catcher in the Rye.
> 
> -Bears


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As a note, we’re stamping the emails with the times it would be for each of them, so Maggie is many hours ahead; Alex didn’t manage to time travel (though she sure wishes she could have!)

February 11, 2012, 10:02pm

Hey Maggie, 

I’m really sorry for my behavior last night. Absolutely humiliated as well. Somehow in true Maggie fashion you’ve managed to write out a lengthy, sweet, and thoughtful email when I can barely type without considering moving to the Andes, changing my name, and living in a town where wifi can never find me. 

Anyway…can we just pretend my…outburst…never happened? I’ve been really stressed, and I had just had a call with my mom who is very keen on figuring out why I’m not dating someone right now, and on top of that while hanging out with everyone else at the bar I couldn’t stop thinking…just, I don’t know. It’s fine. 

The point is that I was an idiot. I’m sorry for lashing out and asking dumb personal questions. I appreciate that you’ve shared so much of your story with me, and I’m really sorry because I feel like I pushed at a boundary I shouldn’t have. You’re so open, and kind, and generous sharing your story like that. I feel almost like I took advantage of that generosity.

There isn’t much emphasis on mental health or anything when you’re in a program like mine. On the MD side, you basically feel like you’re never doing enough. On the PhD side you’re never doing enough AND you feel like your research will never amount to anything, or someone will scoop you, and you’ll never get a placement postgrad, and then what was the point of all the years of work, studying, and sacrifice to get to this point if this is precisely when and where things fall apart? The work itself is isolating to say the least. And I don’t feel like I have someone to talk to…except for you. I’m worried that I overstepped by emailing you like that. I’m sorry.

Hope you’re having a good weekend and are able to enjoy chocolate without the weight of the holidays. I’m sorry again for the mess I’ve made.

Best,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites! And we've officially been reunited! Thanks for all of your comments on the past few chapters - we're working our way through responding, but we don't have a *ton* of free time still for a few more days. 
> 
> One of the best parts of writing this story has been reading the comments and seeing how you all are "reading between the lines" and teasing out what's NOT being said. The limitations of textual communication and resulting mini-chaos of miscommunication have been a really fun to play with, and it's really great to look through to comments and see what is/is not being picked up by our readers. 
> 
> We've gotten a few comments here and on Tumblr suggesting that maybe we've been writing Alex in a really negative way with the intention of turning readers against her, and that's definitely not been intentional. We're trying to remain honest to what the experience of something as emotionally tumultuous (at least for Alex) as coming out, mixed with the very real and constant stress of something like a high-intensity grad program. In fact, we're both drawing a lot on both of our experiences, so unless we're both complete assholes (and maybe/probably we ARE!! We found each other tho, so shit worked out), we're definitely not trying to cast Alex in her purely S3 incarnation (though we are trying to be honest to the Alex we've seen in S1 and S2 where she *is* guarded and *can be* rather emotionally closed off, especially when she's grappling with things that don't seem to have certain answers or clear outcomes, and show what happens when that closed-off quality mixes with the easy confusion and tonal ambiguities of text-based communication). Plus, with only seeing letters/emails, you're *not* seeing everything--you're as limited as the characters--and that's intentional, though it will leave certain qualities and questions less than clear. Hopefully that makes sense, especially to the handful of people who have sent some asks/messages rather upset with what they see as the "defamation" of Alex's character. At least between the two of us and all of our friends, we're not perfect people (and our Maggie will have her less than stellar moments too), and we all have asshole moments that we're paying a bit of homage to that reality here.


	35. Chapter 35

February 12, 2012, 9:39pm

Hi Alex,

You’re okay, really. It’s not even close to the most invasive question I’ve ever gotten about my sexuality—and like I told you, when I know the intentions aren’t bad, I really am happy to talk.

But I think…I don’t want to be overly forward here, but I think pretending like this never happened is rarely the best thing to do. It did happen, and running from it rarely solves anything. I don’t know what happened at the bar—though if it was something bad, I’m happy to come send an invitation to that person to meet me in Peru, and I’ll kick some ass on your behalf—but it sounds like you’re feeling a little overwhelmed. And I get that—I really do. It’s scary. But the fact that it’s scary doesn’t make it a phase or any less real or valid either. Who knows, maybe things will all turn out differently than either of us expected, but I can’t help but think that your asking these questions (or the way you’ve talked about how you felt when you were trying to date guys, or the carcinisation thing of developing adaptive behaviors that aren’t quite right for you and don’t help you feel most like yourself) might mean something, even if you’re not sure you’re quite ready for it.

Okay, to try to avoid more unnecessary apologies or unintended confusion, do you want to Skype? I’ll be back in Sicily tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday night, my time? Give me a less shitty way of spending that wretched holiday? Plus, I think I remember you saying that Mondays are your nerdy journal club, so I assume tomorrow is out for you anyway. Let me know. I’ll pick up some red wine and get ready to be as honest as you want me to be.

Yours,  
Maggie

P.S. I shipped you a little present for anti-Valentine’s Day from Florence. I mailed it to your school address because, well, we were kind of fighting, and I didn’t want to write to you and ask you for your home address, but I also still saw it and thought of you. Anyway. Hope you like it. You’re under no obligation to share with your sister, though I got a bit extra just in case…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best. We loved all of your comments so so much. Hope you all have a wonderful day!
> 
> -Bears


	36. Chapter 36

February 13, 2012, 9:54am

Hi Maggie,

Thanks for your email. I appreciate the offer to Skype, but it’s okay—really.

Thank you for the gift. You really didn’t have to, but I’m definitely looking forward to it.

Actually, no. Carcinisation and all, right? I think…I think talking would be a good idea. Skype on Tuesday would be a good idea. It will definitely be a little early for me, but please don’t judge me if I pour myself a drink. Scotch and Skype even gets the nifty alliteration, so it’s basically a guaranteed good idea.

Also, journal club is a mandatory thing. Not just something I do for fun. I think you may be overestimating my nerdiness, Sawyer. No one would fault you though.

Talk to you soon,  
Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, 
> 
> I just want to give a shoutout to SapphicScholar for managing to provide regular updates to multiple quality stories at the same time. I'm new to this whole fic writing thing, so I didn't quite understand until now how unbelievable difficult it is to pull off such a stunt while also balancing a full-time job and classes AND while also being a real kick ass partner and doing all the emotional labor that goes with that. 
> 
> She's kind of the best, and I couldn't think of anything else to write in this author note besides how awesome she is. 
> 
> You all are really awesome, too. I'm blown away by the comments on each and every chapter. 
> 
> Life is hard but it's the people we surround ourselves with that make it better. So, thank you, SapphicScholar and our dear readers, for making my day a little brighter.
> 
> Yours*, 
> 
> Bears
> 
> *I know how much you all ate that up on the last letter!


	37. Chapter 37

February 14, 2012, 10:26pm

Hey Maggie,

I really appreciated talking to you. Idk you’re good at the talking thing. We should maybe do that more.

Btw thinking back. I think while I was rambling I may have said something I shouldn’t have, and, right, I totally respect that like we’re just friends. And I want to be friends with you. I totally respect what you and Giulia have. I was just rambling, I promise. I didn’t mean to like put that on you. Semi-permanent foot-in-mouth over here. Just wanted to make sure we were ok.

Also, I know today is hard for you, so I’m keeping my phone on loud in case you need anything…over email, so I guess it’s not that helpful. I’ve attached a bunch of pictures of sand cats. They’re perma-kittens and are the only cats that live in the “true deserts.” Their paws are really unique, and they don’t leave paw prints in the sand. The Bio department hosted a guest lecturer who has done research on their family structure and now the Eco-Evo (Ecology and Evolutionary Biology) kids are plastering pictures of them all over the science building. It’s not the worst.

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally home and over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites! Other than one, we've got a fair number of short updates headed your way, so just be aware when you get the email alerts. Then suddenly they'll jump back to lengthy ones again, so don't worry! 
> 
> Also, Bears would like me to add that the animal she would have chosen as a "cute" one to send pics of would be a jumping spider (as proven by the vast number of pictures of them she used to post on my fb wall, just to age ourselves a bit here). Anyhow, I continue to disagree with her, but in case you wanted to look them up, she highly recommends it. Also she loves their water droplet hats and suggests you look them up too.


	38. Chapter 38

February 15, 2012, 4:32pm

No harm, no foul, Danvers. We’re all good. I’m glad we got to talk, and I was serious about the possibility of Skyping again. What’d you say worked for you? Thursday or Saturday? I do think it’s so important to have someone to talk to. God knows I would have killed for another person…

Gotta run now for, well, a date with Giulia for our not-quite-Valentine’s Day thing. Have a productive day in the labs! Don’t forget to eat!

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll see you tomorrow for a slightly longer update that we're fairly certain you'll enjoy, followed by a few days of rather short chapters before they jump back up in length again (and they do get long again! We promise!)
> 
> We're slowly making our way through your comments that we didn't get to answer while we were gone! And for those of you following along with some of my (SapphicScholar here) other fics, updates are soon returning now that I've got a few minutes to breathe again before travel round 2 starts up


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a head's up, both Bears and I are committed to this particular format for this fic, so in terms of seeing that Skype call....you'll get the salient details, as promised, but since a few people seem to be expecting more, we wanted to make it clear now that you won't get a full transcript. I very much wanted a gif from some of the recent moments of certain *ahem* politicians yelling about not releasing the transcripts, but as Bears put it, "You dork, not everyone watches CSPAN and they certainly don't gif it."

February 18, 2012, 7:44pm

Hey Danvers,

Just dropping a line to say sorry I’ve been a little MIA this week. I know we talked about Skyping again soon, and I’m not trying to get out of it or anything. I did see the missed Skype call—not ignoring it. I just…well, Giulia broke up with me. And it’s not like I was overly invested, but it’s still never fun to get dumped. She was…she was still someone to me, someone here who made me feel a little more welcome. Anyway, I think I might need to go out tonight for a little while and just…lose my cool a bit. So probably no Skype today either. Next week, I promise. But hey, at least no one will be able to tell you that you’re just trying women because you think they’re easier than men, right? Cause clearly we’re fucking not.

Maggie

\---

February 19, 2012, 1:27am

Wnna know something ironic? I told u not to sorry about it—from skype, remember? You told me maybe ur not totally gay and it was just me but I had the whole gf thing. Then u got worried bc gf could be jealousy and all. And iwas like oh no one would think likeh that anyway. But apparently Giulia also thinks like that. Apparently it’s no good to talk to another lady on v day, even when it’s not a date. Apparently I talk bout you a lot too. More than friends do. But your interesting, know that? So maybe it’s not so 1-sided as you thought when u said the thing. Whatdya know.

\----

February 19, 2012, 10:45am

Uh, any chance that we both get one “pretend that never happened” morning after?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites or Twitter @sapphicscholar


	40. Chapter 40

February 19, 2012, 1:13pm

I’m so sorry. This is all my fault for being so stupid and needy. I could talk to her! Explain that you were just helping a friend in need of some guidance? I talk about you a lot too! That doesn't necessarily mean anything more, right? Okay, maybe that’s a bad example. Shit, I’m so sorry, Maggie. She was your person over there, and now I’ve ruined it.

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> We'll be back to long updates again before you know it!


	41. Chapter 41

February 21, 2012, 12:42pm

Don’t worry about it, Danvers. It’s on me. I didn’t try hard enough because, well, she was fun and the sex was fun, but she wasn’t my person in any way that would last, and I knew it. And so I treated the relationship like that—it wasn’t like I was out there opening up to her or even considering it. It sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. As much yelling as there was, we’re all good now—talked a bit when she came to pick up her little cousin from school. We’re not gonna date, but we’re friends.

Anyway, how are you? I know we, uh, hit some big things during our Skype call. You doing okay with all of that?

-Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Two quick notes:  
> 1\. Starting tomorrow, we're doing 2 emails per day (and probably throwing them in one chapter to avoid the double notification emails for anyone subscribed) until they jump back up in length again because they go naturally in the paired form and we understand how frustrating it could get to be with so many days in a row of really short updates, even if we all know long ones are returning again soon enough!
> 
> 2\. PurpleSaline just posted this fascinating/amazing project looking at the evolution of how Maggie and Alex are addressing each other and signing off in this fic - https://archiveofourown.org/works/14124102 - if you're interested, check it out!


	42. Chapter 42

February 22, 2012, 11:51pm

I still feel guilty. Idk you were so excited when you guys first started dating. Also, the whole pastry thing was so romantic (and didn’t you say everything was homemade? That’s like impressive. You guys could do the whole baking thing together).

Also, idk why she would dump you? There are a million reasons why this is not making sense to me.

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

\---

February 23, 2012, 11:49pm

You flatter me. I think women have found a lot of reasons to dump me. I’m hardheaded. And stubborn. And just not a good person, okay? Giulia deserves better. You deserve better. So if it is a “me thing” like you thought (not tht I think it is probably bc it rarely is), just…god, don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and on Twitter @sapphicscholar if you ever want to chat. We continue to adore your responses and hope you enjoy the next few days of double email updates


	43. Chapter 43

February 23, 2012, 6:13pm

Maggie, I know how easy it is to believe all the bad thing people have ever said to you especially when something like this happens, but I promise you the woman I’ve gotten to know over the last few months is good and kind and wonderful.

Can we talk? I’m here.

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

\---

February 25, 2012, 1:04am

No, you’re not getting it. I’m not—I’m not this fundamentally good person you think I am. Know what finally put the nail in the coffin for Emily and me? I cheated on her. I got so fucking into my head about the whole thing and all the fighting that even with thinking—probably knowing—I’d never find someone else who loved me, so I shouldn’t end things, I ruined it all. Because that’s what I do. I ruin things. I ruined my own life, and I’ll ruin yours if you keep me around. And god, I want to keep you around. I want you and this and so much more that you almost sounded like you offered that one time, even if we didn’t talk about it later. Because you make me happy, Alex. You make things feel like they’re possible but that’s not fair to you. Because I’ll ruin you too. And you—of all people—you don’t deserve that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites or Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Can't wait to hear your thoughts on this pair of letters!


	44. Chapter 44

February 26, 2012, 11:22am

Hey Maggie,

You keep declining my Skype calls. Are you ok? I don’t—I feel like these things should be said out loud, but I’ll email you if I don’t hear back from you.

Here for you, electronically and otherwise,

Alex

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

\---

February 26, 2012, 9:50pm

Look, just, I’m fine. I don’t need to drag you down. Can we just, I don’t know, go back to the way things were?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be back tomorrow with a long chapter to give you a nice distraction if you're celebrating any of the holidays and find you need some time away from your families (just us? hmm...) 
> 
> Also, for those of you following Supercat Sanvers 2020, I promise I'm back on a regular posting schedule after travels, and a new chapter is going up in a few minutes!


	45. Chapter 45

February 28, 2012, 2:42pm

Hi Maggie,

You’re not picking up at all these days, and I’m worried, so I guess I have to write this stuff down and just hope that you read it.

Technically, I don’t know you very well. We’ve interacted largely over email, letters, and the occasional Skype call over the last few months. There’s a whole lot of data about you that I’m missing, true. I don’t know how you take your coffee, or what your first kiss was like, or what your favorite Disney movie is, or any other random assortment of facts. There are so many aspects of you that I don’t know.

But I do know some things. I know that you’re independent, protective, smart, and weirdly caring. You looked out for me even though I’m an ocean and the vast majority of the United States away from you, and you worried about me because I was absent from email for a few days. I know that community is important to you. That justice matters to you.

I know that you’re funny, and you like working with your hands. I know that you love to cook and it makes you think of dancing. I bet you can dance too. It would fit the pattern.

I know that you can hide parts of yourself even while writing a multi-paragraph email. I know that you’re lonely. And maybe it’s the loneliness that’s gotten you to invest in talking to me and getting me to open up, but I think it probably takes someone really fucking special to set aside their own loneliness and help someone else with their shit.

I know that your parents didn’t accept you, and that there are parts of even the LGBTQ community that aren’t necessarily the most welcoming to you.

I may not know all of the details about you, but I think I know enough of the important stuff.

So, here’s what I think.

I think between your parents and everything with Emily, you’ve gotten scared to let anyone get close to you. And I get it. That’s an A+ coping mechanism when you’re dealing with certain people. Because if 90% of the people you let in hurt you (and I think we’ve talked about the ways Emily wasn’t the best person…or at least not the best person for you), it makes sense to put your walls all the way up. Efficient even.

But Maggie, not everyone is like your parents or Emily. And I think we have enough evidence to suggest that there is way more to you than either your parents or Emily were ever able to see—ever got the privilege of seeing.

Maggie, you don’t have to be guarded with me. Okay?

You’ve shown me that I’m more than just the product than my past trauma. That I can be more.

I’m not here to judge you for things that happened in the past. I’m here to help you the same way you’ve been helping me these last few months.

And here’s the thing, I’ve been operating under the assumption that you’re pretty much perfect.  
So it’s really nice to see that you’ve messed up too.

Talk to me soon, ok? No pressure, but just know that I’m here for you whenever you’re ready.

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> We're headed off to a very long Easter brunch with some conservatives and can't wait to read your comments when we get back! For those of you reading angst fic (aka the post-breakup Sanvers amnesia fic) part 2, the very long second chapter will go up tonight once 'm back


	46. Chapter 46

March 2, 2012, 9:01am

Dear Alex,

I’m sorry for not being totally sober when I finally answered your call yesterday. It was…immature, at best. I guess, it seemed too good to be true, that someone like you wouldn’t go running for the hills the second you found out the truth about me. I mean, I wouldn’t have blamed you. So many other people have. And to have you not only saying that you don’t think I’m a bad person, but also that you like me, it, uh, it threw me for a little bit. Because, well, Emily maybe had a point in saying that I didn’t deserve to be happy. And you—it’s probably dumb to say because we’re just writing letters but I’ll say it anyway—you make me happy. Your letters make me giddy, even if we had a few…how shall I say, rough weeks, along the way. And I don’t know why, but with you I don’t worry as much about letting my guard down. So yeah, I know I was drinking both of the two times I’ve said it so far, but now I’m very sober and confirming that yes, I like you, Alex. Who’d have thought I’d fall for my almost-double-doctor Danvers pen-pal?

Anyhow, I don’t know…I don’t really know how this goes now. I mean, normally I’d ask a girl on a date at this point (or earlier, if I’m being honest). But I can’t really ask you for dinner. Unless, I don’t know, I could make breakfast for dinner one night and we could Skype during your breakfast time? Or is that super weird? Maybe it’s totally not a thing, and you should ignore me. I’ve never done this not-in-person dating before, and it’s kinda throwing me for a loop. But also, like, if you change your mind about me or this or whatever, obviously that’s cool too. I get it. But I’m still…I don’t know, it’s awkward as hell, but I’m in if you are. We’ll muddle through it together.

Yours,  
Maggie


	47. Chapter 47

March 2, 2012, 10:08am

Hi Maggie,

It was really good to hear from you. Definitely was the best way to get the weekend started (almost…just one more day left!). I don’t think I can fault you for being less than sober, but I really do appreciate your message. I think I’d really like this whole trans-Atlantic/trans-continental breakfast date.

Would Sunday work for you?

And, Maggie? Your letters make me giddy, too.

Your almost-double-doctor Danvers pen-pal,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments continue to be absolutely amazing, and we so appreciate them! After today's shorter update, we'll be entering the Land of Long Letters, so get excited!


	48. Chapter 48

March 4, 2012, 11:57pm

Hi Alex,

I know we literally just got off Skype not all that long ago, but, um, I felt like…like I wished we could have had more time. And I know it’s silly because we talked for hours. And it’s late here. And obviously your labs were more important! (Side note: I’m so sorry you don’t even get weekends off… When you’re all double-doctor Danvers will you get to have some grad student do the weekend work for you?)

Anyhow, I was being super fucking cheesy (like, I’d mock myself if I were anyone else-levels of cheesy), and I went to reread some of your emails as, I’ll admit, I do a little bit too frequently to have gone so long before I admitted that I liked you. Though, okay, in my defense, you seemed pretty straight. Or…at least it was unclear if you thought of yourself as anything other than straight. Point being: in one of your more recent letters you pointed out that there are a lot of things you don’t know about me. So I propose we play a game in our letters. For each email sent, we have to answer a question and ask a new one. Fair? I’ll start with answering all of yours because you asked a lot, and sometimes coming up with questions is the hardest thing of all.

1\. How I take my coffee – if you’d asked me before I came to Italy I would’ve said either with a splash of sweetened almond milk or a dash of agave, but these days, god the espresso is so good I just drink it black

2\. What my first kiss was like – well, technically my first kiss was with a boy named Sam in the fall of freshman year of high school. It was…not memorable. I mean, I remember not being thrilled about it, but I suppose that isn’t overly descriptive. He took me to see a movie and kissed me at the end. My first kiss with a girl was, ironically enough, with another Sam. It was the summer after junior year of high school. We were in the same basketball camp, and she was a year older than me and had her nose pierced and a tattoo on her shoulder, and she was just so out and proud even in Bumblefuck, Nowhere. And god, I was fucking enamored. I mean, it didn’t last because she left in August, but it was a fun summer. Definitely a much better kisser.

3\. What my favorite Disney movie is – ya know, I wasn’t actually a huge Disney kid. And then I always liked the villains a little bit better (stereotypical, right?). Something about the happy hetero romance plot never resonated. Three guesses why… I didn’t mind some of the ones with animals, though. Like Aristocats. Or Lady and the Tramp. But kids’ movies in general…that’s another story. I loved Toy Story. And the Brave Little Toaster. Both quite excellent. And oh my god, The Land Before Time. Fucking break my heart, am I right?

Anyway, if you want to answer those three questions, you can and should. But let me think of a new one for you too… Okay, here are a few: What was your first date like? What’s your favorite candy? Ever break any bones? And last but not least: would you rather always be a little too cold or a little too hot?

Can’t wait to hear from you.

Yours,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments are seriously the best! I'm over on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar 
> 
> And before I forget! There's a Sanvers romcom AU coming soon - thoughts on posting? (Split it into 2-3 chapters with the first chapter up tonight, or post it all as a long-ass one-shot next week sometime?) I've got an anonymous poll going on Twitter if you want to vote there: https://twitter.com/SapphicScholar/status/981318463833681920


	49. Chapter 49

March 4, 2012, 10:13pm

Hi Maggie,

Haha when I’m double-doctor Danvers AND have my own lab at a university THEN I can have grad students run my assays for me. Until then, I’m just Sisyphus with a pipette. I’m not going to lie, a major part of me has been reconsidering and re-envisioning my life post-doctorate. If I were to continue in academia and become junior faculty at a university, I’d really have to juggle research, grant-writing, teaching, and advising other students. I worry that I’d end up just into a narrower and narrower field of research. Don’t get me wrong, it’s super interesting, but I’m realizing that it’s important for me to have the opportunity to be able to tackle new questions and challenges. Otherwise I get kind of bored and de-motivated. In some programs, people definitely look down their noses on those who choose “industry” over the academy, but there are exciting things going on in the private sector. Sure, you have to justify that your research will somehow result in increased profits for the company, but places like Luthor Corp seem to really be leaning into doing cutting edge work beyond what the market may currently be ready for. Industry would also allow me to do work with real-life applications.

Sorry for the rant. You’re just one of the few people I’ve actually opened up to about any deviations from the 47-year life plan I wrote when I was 13.

To answer your questions:

1\. Coffee is the lifeblood of all grad students. My go-to is a medium roast, and I take it black these days to save time. When I’m dead tired I reach for a red eye. That being said any appreciation I have for coffee is more…utilitarian then genuine? Maybe that’s because the free coffee in the department is generally burnt. You’ll have to teach me the ways of quality coffee consumption one day.

I’m secretly more of a tea person. It’s one of the few things my mom and I bonded over (and I’ll be honest, it’s not much). Coffee reminds me of deadlines and sleep deprivation. Tea conjures up memories of rainy Saturday afternoons. My absolute favorite lately is a London fog: earl grey, steamed milk, and vanilla extract.

2\. Let’s hear it for the Sams! Haha

My first kiss was with another Alex in preschool. Alexander Putre. Everyone was convinced that we were soulmates because we had the same first name, so naturally we got “married.” I’m pretty sure it has no legal standing outside of the playground of Shady Elms Daycare.

3\. Lady and the Tramp!!! Spaghetti and meatballs is clearly the ultimate food for romance. For all my knowledge of Disney films (and believe me, Kara made me sit through an almost endless marathon at one point) I have not seen Aristocats. I also haven’t heard of the Brave Little Toaster?

This may be the dorkiest thing I will ever confess, and you are essentially sworn to secrecy upon pain of death: my favorites (outside of the horror movies that were so much fun to scare Kara with) are actually Disney Channel movies: Motocrossed, Cadet Kelly, Rip Girls… cheesy guilty pleasures, all. And in retrospect…maybe a little gay?

4\. First date…a double date to see Pirates of the Caribbean with Ryan Andrews, Vicki Donahue, and Joey Garcia. We went to Applebee’s afterwards. So romantic.

5\. Favorite candy? Almost anything from See’s. My grandmom used to get me a box for my birthday every year. I’m literally munching on their Toffee-ettes right now.

6\. Broken bones: I cracked some ribs in high school, but other than that I’ve had a pretty clean bill of health.

7\. I’m actually always a little cold, so I think I would prefer to be a little too warm.

Ok, questions for you: 1) Is there something you’re looking forward to in the next few weeks? If so, what is it? 2) What was the last book you read? 3) When you were a kid what did you want to be? (Bonus points if you were one of those kids who genuinely said they wanted to be like a dog or something.)

I’d really like to do another meal together, even if my current mastery of the culinary arts peaks at PB&Js. Maybe next weekend? I can be the one to stay up late if you want.

Until next time,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Hope everyone going to ClexaCon has a wonderful time! I'm doing the last of my own travel (for less fun reasons...) starting tomorrow, so you'll have Bears as your poster once more


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On my way to the airport so you're getting today's *very* early! (and not 100% proofread bc I've got a plane to catch!) But wooh! 50 chapters in!

March 5, 2012, 5:52pm

Good morning, Alex! Hope you slept well.

Like before, I continue to stand by my contention that it’s really awesome that you aren’t just letting yourself be shuffled into whatever path the people around you think is best—even if your 13-year-old self would have agreed with them. It’s one thing to go be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever because it’s what you want to do and what you think will be the kind of thing that drives you and makes you feel like your life has a bit of meaning to it, but it’s another thing entirely to do it because you heard that those jobs make money or sound impressive or some teacher once said they could see it being the kind of thing you did when you grew up. If you ever want to rant or talk, I’m here. I bet there are some corporations (loath as I might be to admit it) that do some really great work. Though I heard some rumors that Luthor Corp was maybe making some…questionable stuff. Maybe look into it before you apply there? Obviously it’s your life!! But I wouldn’t want your name and all of your brilliant work getting tied to some terrible organization. Also, so sorry about the pipetting hell you live everyday. Maybe there are some labs that could let you see action that doesn’t revolve around a pipette and only a pipette haha.

We’re really going to have to get you some better coffee. Burning a good bean should really be classified as a cardinal sin. Looking at a very specific chain right now…ahem. But that’s cool about the tea! I’ve dated a few girls that were really, really into tea, so I’ve certainly got a few kinds that I like. One used to get so frustrated because I’d use so much agave that she’d say I basically wasn’t drinking tea at all. But it’s nice that you and your mom have that together, especially since in some of your earlier notes it sounded like you guys don’t always…mesh too well. But it’s nice to have something (especially something calming like tea) that you share.

Oh my…I don’t know that I can even long-distance date a married woman! My my, Alexandra, quite the sordid affair we’re carrying on here. I wouldn’t want to be the one breaking up a two decades’ long marriage!

Obviously you’ll have to come here to enjoy a proper romantic spaghetti dinner, even if we’d have to get it with meatless balls—promise they taste the same ;) And also to ensure that you see Brave Little Toaster! It’s so good! Maybe that could be a good date—at least as good as Pirates of the Caribbean and Applebee’s. Though it would lack the appeal of Keira Knightley…

Wow, I feel so in the know with your dirty secret about loving some DCOM movies. Also…‘a little gay,’ Alex? Try the absolute gayest few you can pick. Just add in Double Teamed, and you’ve got every lesbian’s movie line up. Know what movie freaked me out? Smart House.

I’ve never had See’s candy. Maybe when I’m back in America I’ll have to try them out. Toffee isn’t my favorite—it always makes my teeth hurt a little—but I understand the appeal of something with a nutty flavor. Big fan of anything peanut butter. Also almonds. Controversial opinion: I enjoy Almond Joys.

Yikes, Danvers, the hell happened that you cracked “some ribs” in high school?? That sounds like a bad injury! Hope you’re being more careful these days!

Good thing you live in California if you always run a little cold! I can imagine it would suck to be somewhere like Nebraska, though I’d be more than happy to cuddle for warmth :)

Alright, now to your new questions. Let’s think…

 **1\. Is there something you’re looking forward to in the next few weeks? If so, what is it?**  
-How cheesy would it be if I said I’m most looking forward to out next Skype session?

 **2\. What was the last book you read?**  
-While I’m here, I’ve been taking the opportunity to buy some books in Italian that are so much more expensive in America, at least if you want the original Italian/non-translated versions, so I’ve been reading through a fair number of Calvino books to brush up on my Italian skills. And then someone (okay, it was Giulia…before we broke up) gave me _L'amica geniale_ by someone named Elena Ferrante? I hadn’t heard of her, but apparently it’s really quite good. It just came out last year. So maybe I’m looking forward to reading that book this week. I’d been keeping it in my closet because it made me feel sort of guilty and upset, but I think these days I’m realizing that Giulia had a really fair point: I did have feelings for someone else. And now we’re both happier, and she’s free to find someone better for her, and I’m free to, I don’t know, try this thing we’re doing across an ocean and a continent and a half (maybe just a quarter…shh).

 **3\. When you were a kid what did you want to be? (Bonus points if you were one of those kids who genuinely said they wanted to be like a dog or something.)**  
-Hahah, no, sorry to disappoint, but I was not the kid that was 10 and still thought maybe I could grow up to be a Labrador retriever. My dad was (or, no, probably still is) a detective, so that used to be really high on the list. He meant a lot to me, you know? And now, that’s all fucked up, but the career still resonates with me, even if I’d want to be a really different kind of detective than he was. Hmm…for a short period of time I thought maybe I could be a writer. And then, like most kids, there was a time when I wanted to be president.

And then for my own new questions for you… If you could learn to cook one food absolutely perfectly (which seems a bit of a stretch for you, Danvers, if PB&J is really the full extent over there), what would it be? If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be? (Sorry, two food oriented ones…I’m hungry.) If you could plan the perfect date what would it be? And um…I don’t know…best concert you’ve ever been to?

Doing another meal together next weekend sounds wonderful. I can get up a little early too so that you don’t have to stay up too late, though by the timestamps on some of your emails, it looks like you keep late hours anyway. Just let me know which date works best for you, and I’ll be sure to set my alarm.

Yours,  
Maggie


	51. Chapter 51

March 6, 2012

Hey Maggie,

Today is one of those days when I have more caffeine than blood in my veins, but I still feel sleepy. Even so, waking up to your email made crawling out of bed a little easier. Does that make me a sap? It totally does, doesn’t it?

Previous round of questions: 

1) Is there something you’re looking forward to in the next few weeks? If so, what is it?

A part of me really wants to make fun of you for being corny…but I am also looking forward to our breakfast/dinner date haha.

2) What was the last book you read?

Ok so, in hindsight, I am so incredibly embarrassed that I asked you this question. One of the worst byproducts of being in graduate school is that you end up with very little time to read for fun. The last time I actually read a book was probably last summer. I think it was The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot? I really enjoyed it. It definitely made me more appreciative of the ways scientific research is not necessarily conducted in noble ways. It also made all those research ethic classes seem a lot more worthwhile.

3) When you were a kid what did you want to be?

When I was four I definitely wanted to be a herpetologist. Reptiles and amphibians were just so cool. My parents were super encouraging…until I found a few snakes and lizards in my backyard and tried to house them in a shoebox in my closet. There was also a time I wanted to be a marine biologist by day and a competitive surfer by…also day? Different days? Basically I wanted to be a cooler version of Hannah Montana, if we’re keeping up with the Disney themes here. I mean, have you SEEN how weird deep sea creatures are? It would basically be like studying aliens. I’m attaching a video of a vampire squid. It’s majestic and creepy by equal measure. I even did a summer internship in a marine biology lab working with benthic invertebrates. Studying all those weird morphologies that are optimized to withstand some of the most extreme conditions imaginable got be interested in the biomechanics/mechanobiology work I do today…just with more outer space stuff.

Your questions:

1) If you could learn to cook one food absolutely perfectly, what would it be?

Paella! I had a roommate from Spain who opened my eyes with her cooking. Have definitely not been able to master it whatsoever.

2) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?

This is really really practical, but cereal? It’s a balanced meal. There are versions that are fortified to contain extra nutrients. Ooh! Or that genetically modified rice that they use to fight vitamin deficiency…golden rice. Like maybe salad is a better option in terms of long term survival? Because there’s so many things you can have in a salad. It’s essentially the perfect loophole forever meal. Sorry I’m no good at these games.

3) If you could plan the perfect date for you what would it be?

The perfect date…That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Jokes aside, I’d probably want to do something fun and slightly competitive, even if it’s low key like a bunch of arcade games or, I don’t know, pool? Something casual that would let us talk but also give us something to do. Plus there’s nothing like the good natured teasing that comes with a little competition.

4) Best concert you’ve ever been to?

I went through a very embarrassing punk rock/emo stage. I did the whole Warp Tour thing…more than once. As for my favorite? I’m torn between Paramore, The Academy Is…, and 30 Seconds to Mars. Truthfully, though my favorite my actually be seeing the Barenaked Ladies in 2006. I got to see them at this Bluegrass Festival in Colorado while visiting some distant relatives. A little outside my genre at the time, but it was pretty awesome.

Questions for you, Ms. Sawyer: 1) You’ve now heard at my ill-advised attempt to have wild frogs and snakes as household pets. Have you had any pets? 2) Are you planning on traveling elsewhere in Europe while you’re in Italy? 3) If you could have a conversation with any fictional character, who would you choose? 

Would Saturday work for our next dinner/breakfast? I could lean into my night owl status. What will our meal be for the night? Pick something simple, send me the recipe, and you can walk me through it.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Alex

 

Alex Danvers

M.D. Ph.D. Candidate

Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SapphicScholar is traveling again this weekend :( Also, guys, we found out that we'll soon be doing long distance ourselves for three months as we stagger our move to a new state. Obviously, that's not so long in the scheme of things, but it will be the first time in five years that we'll be apart for longer than a week. Protips are welcome!


	52. Chapter 52

March 7, 2012, 7:49pm

Dear Alex,

Sorry for the sort of late response! Today’s been crazy busy. Okay, not as busy as literally any of your days, I think, but another teacher was out sick, so I didn’t really get a break where I could sit down and read your message until I got home, but it was a great treat! I even got out some cheese to enjoy while I was reading it.  
   
First of all, I hope you got some sleep! I’m pretty sure if you’re still exhausted while mainlining caffeine, it’s your body’s way of telling you to get some rest. And it’s alright, we can be saps together and both pick our weekend dinner as the best part of the week. Speaking of, yes, but to check, do you mean Saturday morning for me/Friday night for you, or Sunday morning for me/Saturday night for you? Either one can work.  
   
Don’t worry—I’m certainly not about to judge you for not having enough time to read. I’ve heard all about your schedule, Danvers! That book sounds really interesting! I’ll admit, I hadn’t heard of Henrietta Lacks before, but I read a bit about her (okay, it was her Wikipedia page), and it sounds like that book would probably raise a lot of important questions about research ethics. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m glad to hear that people like you are going into fields like yours. It matters to interrogate our assumptions and think carefully about the populations we’re serving. Just because something has good results doesn’t always mean the way we got there was okay.  
   
Oh my god, you _would_ have such am uber-specific life goal as a four-year-old. It’s adorable. And very you. I can imagine that keeping secret snakes and lizards in your bedroom wasn’t the best idea. Good to know that you had lots of company in the closet though!  
Wait…hold up, I just reread that paragraph. “Tried to house them.” Danvers…did you set a bunch of snakes loose in your parents’ house?  
Anyway, back to your letter. I’m sure you would have made a great half-surfer-half-herpetologist. Since you didn’t answer, should I assume surfing is how you broke those ribs? It sounds cool, but I’ve heard it can be pretty dangerous. It’s awesome that you’ve managed to integrate some (not all) of your childhood interests into your real life career with the “weird morphologies” and whatnot!  
   
Paella can be delicious. I’m fully behind your efforts to perfect that recipe. Hard one for a beginner, though… Which is to say, if you master it, I’m pretty sure you’ll be set for a whole lot of cooking that you didn’t even know you’d know how to do!  
   
That’s so weird. I also answer cereal a lot for that question! It’s just versatile, you know? And then it’s also a loophole because I could have something really healthy like bran flakes or whatever old people buy. But I could also have my dessert cereal and splurge on something like Fruit Loops, you know? I’ve never heard of golden rice. Does it taste good? I’m into lots of grains, so maybe I’ll have to give it a shot. As healthy as salad is (and versatile, sure), I have to imagine it’d get tiring after a while.  
   
A Miss Congeniality joke, Danvers? Gonna try to blame that one on your little sister too? You know, if you’re not careful, I might just out you as a closeted romcom fan too. That does sound like a pretty great date, though. We’ll have to play pool sometime. I used to go to a bar in undergrad with my roommate and play a bit of pool on the weekends. I see some healthy wagering in our future :) Though there was also this pinball bar…different kind of game, but still fun. I’m also into doing some outdoorsy stuff—like maybe a hike or a run. Oh! Or if I ever drag you somewhere that has actual winters, we could go sledding and make snow creatures (you can do the traditional ones, if you must, but I prefer a bit of creativity).  
   
Ahh!! Another Barenaked Ladies fan?? Please read all the double meanings you want into that, but also know that I’m a genuine fan. I’ve got some great band t-shirts. I made it out to see them several years ago when they were in Kansas. Great show. Great band. Great songs. One Week was stuck in my head for well over a week, though. The rest of your music taste sounds like something I might be able to get behind too.  
   
Alright, time to answer your questions!  
   
**1\. Have you had any pets?**  
-We had a dog when I was young. Got her when she was really little after our next-door neighbor’s dog had puppies. The neighbor’s dog was a collie of some sort, but I think maybe the dad was a lab? I’m not sure. Dog was adorable. I named him Snoopy (not that creative).

 **2\. Are you planning on traveling elsewhere in Europe while you’re in Italy?**  
-I am! Well, I’ve actually done a lot of my travelling already… I went up to Belgium (did a few cities there), Spain (Madrid, though I kind of want to go back for Barcelona), and Portugal (Lisbon) already, plus a few days in Germany. I’ve been debating between London and somewhere in France for my next trip. I tend to stick to bigger cities unless I know someone in the area because the cities have the cheap hostels, and we don’t make much money with Fulbright. Got any suggestions? I’ve also been hopping around Italy a bit on weekends, since the buses and trains are pretty affordable. I really want to do Cinque Terre. It looks absolutely gorgeous, and there’s a path you can hike through the five towns. And then there are so many other places too, but I don’t know how to choose! It’s been an amazing experience, even if I’m getting a little close to the point of being ready to head back (and maybe make a salary that’s closer to livable…)  
   
**3\. If you could have a conversation with any fictional character, who would you choose?**  
-Oof, now I feel a little bit like I’m applying for a scholarship haha! (Not that it’s a bad question, it’s just one that gets thrown into those type of applications a lot.) God there are so many possibilities! But you know who I think I’d really like to talk to: Frankenstein’s monster. He deserved better. And I think it’d be so interesting as far as conversations go. I’d also love to check in with Jordan Baker and confirm that, yes, she was totally a lesbian, and Nick was her beard. I’m pretty certain, but it’d be nice to get the confirmation.  
   
Anyhow, I’ll wait to hear from you about which day you wanted to do for the Skype date. As far as recipes…ooh. Did you ever try pesto? That one is super easy. You just wash off a few handfuls of basil, chop off the stems, throw them in the blender with a good amount of olive oil (not so much that you’re drowning them, but enough to blend everything). Add a handful of pine nuts and several cloves of minced garlic (or at least, I like a lot of garlic, maybe you don’t want as much). And then depending on how much cheese you like, add as much Parmigiano as you want to taste. But do get a fair amount in there for the right texture. And I personally like to throw the comparatively dry ingredients into the blender first, then coat with the olive oil before I blend. If you put the lightest stuff on top without the oil to weigh it down, sometimes it’s a pain to get it all mixed together. Oh, and use the lowest couple of settings on your blender. And maybe you could try gnocchi? I’d probably buy it from a market if you’ve got one nearby…it’s delicious, but it can be a bit of a pain in the ass to make. I often get impatient with mashing the potatoes and end up with chunks, which are no fun.

Oh! And questions for you...hmm. If you could travel to any point in history, when would you choose? If you had to give up one of the 5 senses, which one would you pick? Do you ever want pets, and if so, what kind? 

Can’t wait!

Yours,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sanvers lives on here, regardless of the show! Anyhow, I'm on Twitter @sapphicscholar and Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites. Hoping to get out regular updates this week, but it seems the travel finally got to me enough that I caught the bug going around. Tragedies, all around.


	53. Chapter 53

March 8, 2012, 8:35pm

Dear Maggie,

It’s really sweet that you took the time to email me when you had such a busy day. Your emails always make me smile, but knowing that you took the time out of a hectic day to write to me makes me smile a little wider. Thank you for that. (But…idk just know that you don’t always have to do that. It’s not like an expectation or anything. I totally get if you don’t have time. God I’m bad at this whole thing.)

Notes from your last letter:

1) Re my brief stint as a DIY zookeeper: I didn’t quite “set them loose.” It’s more like I lost track of them? I figured they needed some time out of their set up to play. I turned around for one second, and they were gone. It took a few weeks, but we eventually found them all. It was a fun time in Casa Danvers. (Also your closet joke was RUDE haha. I may have snorted in the silent study section of the library. Any resulting conflict with the head librarian is on your head, Sawyer.)

2) I’m so glad you also said cereal. I always go for the practical loophole answer for those “if you could only bring one [x] on an island, what would it be?” questions and people never appreciate it.

3) It’s within the realm of possibility that I may pair my leather jackets and motorcycle and horror movie obsession with a healthy dosage of romcoms. This is explicitly not a confession and is most definitely not admissible as evidence.

4) Of course you named the dog Snoopy. Dork haha. When I was petitioning my parents for a dog (they ended up getting me a little sister instead, which...at the time, very disappointing), I had a whole journal where I tracked some of the best breeds for training along with good names. I still want a dog--maybe some kind of German shepherd mutt (I had very specific ideas in that lifeplan, okay?) named Gertrude one day.

To answer your questions:

1) I **f you could travel to any point in history, when would you choose?** Ok this is a tough question because like 90% of human history sucked for women and on top of that, soap didn't exist so there were tons of ridiculous diseases going around. This is cliche, but I think it would have been really cool to poke around Da Vinci's lab. As long as I didn't stumble upon him mid-dissection or anything. Really, I want to see him testing out his flying machines.

 **2) If you had to give up one of the 5 senses, which one would you pick?** Another hard question. I've spent at least 15 minutes trying to think of a "loophole answer," but every answer is suboptimal. Maybe I'd give up hearing? I think ASL has come pretty far in terms of being taught in schools, which is great. One of the volunteers at the Boys and Girls Club is deaf, and she does a ton of art stuff with the organization. She generally has an interpreter with her, but we've all been picking up a bit of sign language here and there. It's really making me wish I had the time to learn more on the side.

 **3) Do you ever want pets, and if so, what kind?** Well, I guess I already answered this one. But yes, dogs all the way. Cats are fine and all, but ... eh? I'm sort of ambivalent.

Saturday my time would be great. I think I’d appreciate a night in. Some feedback on your recipe, Sawyer, I am a woman of science; these vague “add to taste” instructions baffle me. I don’t know what it’s supposed to taste like!!! I’ve lived off take out from the fine dining establishment of “Whatever Place is Open at 3am and Delivers” for the last few years. A fine-tuned palate is something I definitely do not have. If we do this, could you like walk me through this very slowly? And I’ll try my best to follow?

Also, I’m waiting from the final word from on high (translation: the University’s budgeting office), but I may have news to share soon.

Questions for you: 1) What TV series to do you keep coming back to and re-watching? 2) What are some things everyone should try once? 3) What would a perfect morning be like?

Talk to you soon!

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta run, but keep me in your thoughts and pray that I manage to suppress all sneezes during my root canal!


	54. Chapter 54

March 9, 2012, 5:03pm

Dear Alex,

I know I don't have to, but I enjoy writing to you. And you're not bad at it, trust me. I think...I don't know, the beginning of any relationship is a little awkward, and with both of us being new to the long distance side of it, that makes it so much harder. But I still love getting your emails. And responding is a nice chance to sit down after a long day while pretty much everyone else is spending time with their families.

I'm sure you and the head librarian normally get along perfectly, so I doubt one snort will jeopardize that relationship. But if it does, she can take up any and all complaints with me. Also, it's sort of adorable that you thought they deserved play time. Probably for the best that you found them all, though.

Practical loopholes are the best! And no, I don't imagine I'll ever get that confession. It'll always be pinned on Kara, right?

Really...you're gonna tease me for Snoopy when you want to make your dog the laughing stock of the dog park? Gertrude is the name of, like, the single old lady who lives next door and has tissue lint-covered butterscotch candies in her purse. And you're gonna be out there with some big-ass German shepherd barreling toward you as you yell, "C'mere, Gertrude!"

Anyway, I think it's awesome that you and some of the other volunteers have been learning a bit of ASL. We didn't offer it beyond the beginner level at my school (you had to go take classes at another university, but financial aid wouldn't cover them—anyway, it's a long story and basically boils down to: bureaucracy sucks), but one day I'd also like to learn. I've often wondered whether it might not be a better "universal" language for communicating with the majority of off-worlders who've landed in the States, many of whom don't have many of the same sounds as English does. Then again, I'm sure there are plenty of morphology-related issues that could make signing equally difficult. Perhaps if we made both…who knows! I'm rambling at this point.

And of course you'd be into da Vinci's lab. Well, if you ever end up in Italy, you could go visit plenty of da Vinci museums. Personally, though, I prefer the testing site for his flying machines up in Fiesole, one of the hill towns outside of Florence. I went running up there while I was in Florence, and it's absolutely beautiful. Also, the woods in the area have all sorts of signs warning about attack pigs (okay wild boars, which I know are much more threatening, but I enjoy the thought of attack pigs more because then I can focus on being amused instead of frightened). I'd definitely recommend it as a less tourist-y spot!

I…I'm refraining from making a whole lot of inappropriate comments about the phrasing of your request for my help in making food. I would like some credit for my will power here. Please and thank you. Now that I've gotten it out there, yeah, I'm happy to help. I don't know how much help I'll be from afar when our video feed often freezes every few minutes, but dammit, I'm down to try. Also, you think my recipes are bad? You should see the ones passed down through the generations. "Boil the potatoes until done. Mash potatoes and add egg yolks…etc." Literally nothing is specific and everything is to taste. But once you've got a sense of how things should taste in a general sense, you can start figuring out how you most want them to taste, and that's a pretty cool thing.

You've got me so intrigued about this news! Good luck with whatever it is!

Last but not least, your questions!

 **1\. What TV series to do you keep coming back to and re-watching?**  
-Okay…honestly, I've rewatched The L Word more than I should. It's awful and overly dramatic and everything, yes, but it's also representation. And we don't die (RIP Tara). Okay, lies! One very important character dies (okay also another one, but she’s still in every fucking episode, and that was a betrayal of the deepest sort), and I'm still bitter, but in case you haven't seen it (I assume not…) and want to one day (that's up in the air), I won't spoil it. It's nice to have a show that, for as bad as it was, normalized women dating/loving/fucking (should I do the whole theme song?? No, it's okay, you probably won't get that joke) other women. And, even though I totally bashed on it a sentence or two ago, I do love a good Buffy rerun. I'm especially partial to the dark Willow episodes when I'm annoyed with the world.

 **2\. What are some things everyone should try once?**  
-Oooh, so many things! I think everyone (who can afford to) should try to live alone and/or travel alone at least once. I get the joy in being surrounded by others, but I think being alone for a somewhat extended period of time breeds a level of self-sufficiency and self-awareness that can be really healthy and helpful. You can't lean on everyone around you, and so you learn what your strengths are and where you struggle, but you also learn how best to deal with your weaknesses, and I think it makes you stronger, even if it's hard at the time. And there's also something a little freeing about being on your own--you get to do the things you want to do on the timescale that you've set for yourself. Want to spend an entire day in one room of an art museum? Fucking do it! There's no one telling you about the "right" way to do things or live.

 **3\. What would a perfect morning be like?**  
-Great question!! I'd love a morning with no alarm. I probably couldn't sleep in too late, but being able to wake up naturally is a wonderful feeling. And then I'd love to have a free day in front of me. And then, okay, two possibilities!  
Option 1: Sunny, warm day. I'd get up and go for a short run to one of those outdoor yoga classes. I'd come back, shower, and then go out for breakfast at someplace that serves really amazing coffee and has a patio so I could eat outside. I'd love to do the breakfast (and really the rest would be cool too) with someone. Could be a friend or a date—either way—someone to enjoy the day with. We could go to a farmer's market or walk around for fun without any real goals in mind. I'm also partial to people watching, so maybe get more coffee or tea and sit outside and watch the people go by.

Option 2: Cold, rainy/snowy day. Sleep in a little bit later. Waking up with someone I like there could be pretty great too. I'd love to have big windows to watch the rain or snow coming down. And if it were snow, a fireplace would be amazing! And then we could make breakfast together, and since it could be a sleepy morning, maybe we could do hot cocoa instead of coffee (or mix them together for a homemade mocha type thing). We could eat by the fire and do the crossword together. Maybe even be bold and use pen! Later, we could put on a movie. For some reason, when it snows, I always want to watch Harry Potter, especially the first one. It feels right. Maybe afterward there's a hot bubble bath involved or something nice and warm.

Hmm questions from me…this is tricky, ya know? There are lots of things I want to know about you, but sometimes it feels like…like maybe I know them too early? Or I'm missing something important. Like…if we went out on our first date in person, would we have done the whole back-and-forth about which one of us should pay? Would we have split a dessert, or are you someone that doesn't like sharing food? Would we have held hands? Or would it have been that awkward moment where it doesn't matter that, say, you already drunkenly groped each other in a bar bathroom, because now you've still got first date jitters and don't know if a hug is even appropriate. Not talking from personal experience at all. Would never… But you know what I mean? Would we have gone off script? Would the date have gone on for hours with neither one of us wanting it to end? Would we have kissed at the end of it? Would it have been great or totally awkward and something that we'd laugh about later? I get that it's part of the territory of doing anything long distance, but it comes with a unique set of frustrations (not with you! with, you know, the situation). Sorry, I don't mean to hate on what we're doing or anything like that. And I know the questions were my idea, so I'm certainly not saying we should stop or anything! I don't know what I'm saying.

But okay, questions. Umm…let's think. If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be? Slightly different: what do you think your superpower would be (as opposed to the one you'd choose)? What's your worst habit? And, hmm…any embarrassing high school moments?

Can't wait to talk to you on Sunday morning (for me)!  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> I'm finally catching up on all of your delightful comments and will be responding as I go! For those of you following the political AU, I'm hoping to get up today's chapter after work. Then tomorrow evening should bring with it the romcom AU!


	55. Chapter 55

March 10, 2012, 1:13pm

Dear Maggie,

First of all, can't wait to talk to you tonight! I've acquired all the ingredients you listed for pesto, so I'm ready for some solid instructions.

Now second in the order of business: For your information, Gertrude means "spear of strength" in German or something. It is a fine, strong name for any dog. And you know what? I’m sure that single old lady with an abundance of butterscotch candies is clearly an unrecognized pillar of strength in the community. She and her lint-covered sugary confections form the bedrock of America. My future dog will wear her name with pride.

I like your idea of using some form of sign language as a universal language for off-worlders! It may not be a perfect solution, but it has potential. Do you know anything about how sign language works internationally? I’ve never really thought about how there must be regional dialects of sign language…definitely putting a pin in that for a future Wikipedia spiral. The language barrier is something that I’ve been thinking about recently, too. I don’t quite know how (or if, to be honest) researchers got consent from the aliens who donated(?) tissue to the biobank we’re working with. Beyond the language barrier there must also be cultural differences that make it difficult to communicate. Like your “attack pigs” vs “wild boar” thing. One phrase makes me think that someone out there, most likely a nefarious millionaire has trained (and maybe weaponized!) the likes of Wilbur or Babe to attack trespassers on sight. The other makes me think that Mother Nature is a truly fearsome thing beyond human domination. Even though they both basically boil down to “dangerous swine” the connation of those two things is drastically different. No one’s really been able to answer my questions about this, yet. My questions regarding the consent issue, I mean…not weaponized farm animals.

Attack pigs aside, that is so impossibly amazing that you get to occupy the same space that da Vinci did when he tested his inventions.

Shoot, Sawyer, did I accidently make some sort of innuendo when I was talking about the recipes? Or did I just like accidentally insult all of Mediterranean cuisine? I feel like it has to be either accidental flirting or equally accidental egregious faux pas. My life is a case study of extremes.

I haven’t seen the L Word yet!! Have you spoiled it all by telling me someone dies? This is absolutely mortifying but for me it’s the 1995 BBC’s Pride and Prejudice. You’ve caught me. My family always used to marathon it when we had off school for the winter holiday break, and somehow I tog hit with the Austen bug. But it’s not quite romcoms, right? Totally different. But the whole thing of two flawed people falling in love gets me every time.

I agree with your comments about living alone. I’ve lived by myself for most of grad school. It definitely made me face my own strengths and weaknesses. I learned a lot about myself, and not all of it was good. I think…I think I don’t do well when I’m completely by myself. I think we talked about this in earlier letters, but I’m realizing that when things starting getting difficult I cut myself off from the people who cared about me. I was so convinced that I could fix everything by myself, that I was freeing myself by cutting off ties…I didn’t realize that I had trapped myself in an entirely different way when I hit rock bottom, needed help, and there was no one I trusted anymore. I’m still in the process of figuring all of this out.

The mornings you describe sound so beautiful. It’s late here, so just the thought of waking up fully rested is enough to make me wistful. It’s freezing in the library, and I’m worried I’m catching something or other, but the thought of lounging in bed, sipping tea, with nothing but crosswords, Harry Potter, and a bubble bath on my to-do list sounds absolutely magical. The thought of spending a day like that with you, well that sounds unbelievably perfect.

I’m going to tackle the second set of questions first:

 **1) What super power would I choose?**  
Flight for sure! But only if it were coupled with invisibility.

 **2) What super power would I probably have?**  
Realistically, the ability to go long periods of time without sleep. Or at least that’s clearly what med and grad school are attempting to train me to do. Hospital shifts are no joke.

 **3) Worst habit?**  
I’ve been told that when things go to shit I go into…crisis mode? Like in a “nobody can move or breathe too loudly until I solve this by any means necessary.” Believe it or not, I’ve been told it’s not the best for morale haha.

 **4) Embarrassing high school moments?**  
There are so so many. You know how your brain keeps you awake at night by replaying a B-roll of your worst moments? Most of mine are when I would get weirdly competitive over beating everyone else at raising my hand to answer a question. Why did I do that? Like sure I knew the answers, but we were all there to learn. (And okay, part of it was definitely because Kara and I shared a class or two because I'd opted to double my sciences early on, and then she skipped ahead in some subjects, and I couldn't let my baby sister do better, but still.) There was no reason to be so smug. Idk going from the top of my classes (a brief period in my AP Calc aside, though that was definitely the teacher’s fault) in high school and college to actually struggling in grad school has sort of put things in perspective.

As for the first set of questions about our first date…I don’t know! I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date with someone I genuinely liked before. But…maybe we can find out? I got a paper accepted at a conference in Rome, and I just got word from the department that my travel budget has been approved! It’s at La Sapienza, and I’ll be flying out bright and early on Monday, April 9. My presentation is during the first day of the conference (which is the 10th…I sadly lose a whole day flying), so I could definitely sneak out some of the other days if you happen to be around, or maybe I could catch one of those trains you’re so fond of and make it down to you. So, what do you say, Sawyer? Take me out?

Ciao,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> And keep an eye out for the Sanvers romcom au tonight! It's already written and edited, so I'll post it when I get home from work


	56. Chapter 56

March 12, 2012, 9:13am

Hey Alex,

It was great talking to you yesterday! I’m sorry about the less-than-stellar pesto experience…that was my bad. Never tell a joke that makes someone turn around when they’re using a blender, right? Good to know for the future. Hope the basil doesn’t stain your sweater. It was a nice sweater.

Bahah okay, Danvers, keep telling yourself that…whatever you need to do to feel less guilty about making your poor future dog suffer like that. Please tell me that you don’t have aspirations to be one of those old ladies… Or, okay, all of it is fine if you can manage to keep the tissues and the candies separate. I don’t get it! They’re always both in wrappers that rustle like crazy in the movie theater, so how the lint permeates the sealed wrapper, I’ll really never know.

Thanks! I don’t know exactly how that works. I do remember hearing that ASL (American Sign Language) is really different from BSL (British Sign Language), but that some countries that don’t share the same spoken language will share the same signed language (or at least large parts of it). I don’t know all the specifics, but it’s interesting to think how the barriers we construct between cultures and countries can be broken down and rebuilt in really different ways depending on the mode of communication.

I know some aliens adapt really well to languages, and there are one or two planets so renowned for their language acquisition skills that their citizens end up being translators pretty much everywhere they go. Pretty nice to have guaranteed employment, huh? But anyway, I like to hope that the biobank got consent…I don’t have much hope or trust in people (and even less in corporations), but I need to believe that someone out there is trying. Maybe at the IRB?

Ah yes, all those attack pigs. Though wild pigs are really gigantic. They definitely don’t stay so little and cute like in movies. And that’s cool (better than the people who try to breed them to stay "cute" and end up making them sick and all), but it definitely makes the “attack” part a lot more realistic (and threatening). Your mind works in fascinating ways, Danvers. Though let’s not inspire anyone with ideas about weaponized farm animals. We’ve all read _Animal Farm_ already. We know how ruthless those fuckers can be!

It’s pretty excellent as far as experiences go. And simply amazing views. I’ve got some photos I’ll have to send to you with the next box of the kids' letters. Sorry I didn't add one last time. It seems like we get out so much in these notes, that there wasn't much new to add? And if there was, I wanted you to know it right away? But the kids continue to love their pen-pals!

Hah oh, sorry, maybe it wasn’t obvious, and I just thought it was…now it’s more awkward, and that’s on me. It’s like explaining a joke, but worse. Just…I don’t know, it’s the last two sentences: “If we do this, could you like walk me through this very slowly? And I’ll try my best to follow?” Obviously it’s about cooking; I can read context clues, thank you very much. But it’s more, ya know, you’re new to the whole dating women thing (and the other things that might come with it), and that’s fine! But it could mean you also need some help there… Whatever. Ignore me. Please. Know that you didn’t insult the cuisine, except perhaps with that overdone pasta I watched you make yesterday…don’t think I didn’t catch you getting caught up in our conversation and letting the timer beep for minutes on end while your pasta got soggy!

Eh…you’re not missing much with The L Word, but it’s still sort of a touchstone? It’s better to watch with someone so that you can chat through some of the worst parts of it and tune in for the hot ladies that you still like that season. Nah, it’s pretty common knowledge, and it’s sort of written on the wall from the start of the season when it happened in one case (and then written on the wall even more explicitly from the first moments of the season for the other death that totally doesn’t really count anyway). Interesting choice on the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice. Wouldn’t have guessed it. I actually like Austen, who is much more biting social satire than romcom, Danvers, though I’ve not seen the BBC production. Going off the book version, I can see you being a bit like Mr. Darcy…

Yeah, I had roommates throughout college because of the cost of living, then I lived with Emily, but after our breakup I was alone for a couple of months. I’ve taken that living/surviving/being alone thing to a whole new extreme over here! But it’s definitely helpful, and it was really nice for a while. It’s good that you’ve realized certain things about yourself because it means you can stop those behaviors when you see them starting again instead of letting them fester and grow. I have a tendency to assume the worst can and will happen, and often that means I try to preempt it. Because if I ruin something myself, it can’t be ruined for me, you know? Similarly, not a great coping mechanism, but it kept out the terror of bad surprises for a while.

Wow, way to make a girl blush, Alex. I was merely hoping that maybe it could be a “you and I” you read into those “we” subjects. Nice to know you think about us having some of those types of mornings too. I really hope you don’t catch anything in the library! That would be less than ideal… Do take care of yourself. Lots of liquids and warm sweaters and sleep (as much as you can manage) and all that. Do you at least have a spring break or something when you’ll be able to catch up on sleep?

Hmm interesting addendum on the power of flight. Any reason? I also think it’d be cool to be able to fly… But invisibility, now that you mention it, sounds really great. I think if you’d asked me when I was younger, it would have been invisibility I wanted for sure.

Alex…that’s barely a superpower; that’s just hurting yourself. It’s so ironic that the medical profession, which studies things like the harmful effects of sleep deprivation, forces its own into such awful habits as part of the regular job. I hope you manage to be okay and get some sleep!

Ah yeah…I can see how that particular habit wouldn’t be ideal, but I imagine it makes you pretty effective at solving problems, at least. And I can respect efficiency. I think my worst habit is probably a bit of self-sabotage every now and then. I’ve gotten better, but it’s something I have to actively combat, rather than an instinct that’s totally gone away.

Ugh, that nightly rundown while waiting for sleep to come is truly the worst thing to happen to mankind. Not really. But it sucks a lot. That’s not so bad, Danvers! It’s good that you were engaged in learning and really cared about your education, even if maybe you were just a little bit of a know-it-all…little bit. But I’d still take students like you on Monday mornings. Instead I’m greeted with total silence when I ask questions. And as a teacher? That definitely sucks the most. (Also, I’m sure you’re still doing well in grad school, even if it doesn’t fee like it. You’re brilliant, and it’s pretty hard to miss that fact.)

Alex, that’s amazing! Congratulations on getting the paper accepted first of all! And yay for funding and the ability to come to Italy! I would most definitely love to take you out on a date if you’ll have me. And it's great timing too. I have off that whole week for our spring/post-Easter break, so I’ve got plenty of time on my hands. I had actually been thinking about using it as a chance to go hike Cinque Terre before it got too hot and touristy. But I can take a quick detour to Rome. Anyway, lots to plan! I will start googling! Let me know things you like! Or it can be a surprise. Either way. Totally good. Hmm…got thoughts going. But I’ve really got to run to work, and I’m already a little late (it’s okay, I don’t have a morning class today—teacher meeting thing).

Talk to you soon! We can both think of more questions for each other or leave it for a bit and focus on brainstorming date ideas instead. Because also, it’s coming up so soon! Less than a month now! Things to do, things to do…

XO  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> The romcom AU is up now! If you're interested, it's at https://archiveofourown.org/works/14290086 (and I posted it all in one go, so no worries about waiting for the happy ending!) As always, comments are life, and we love them!! 
> 
> Last question, I already asked on Twitter, but if you can't read cursive, let us know! We're working on some visual elements for future chapters (keeping it an all-writing fic, but playing with the form within its boundaries). We're gonna try to add the transcriptions in image descriptions for accessibility (if that's a thing that can be done on AO3...we've never tried), but we can always add the text in the endnotes or comments section if anyone needs it!


	57. Chapter 57

March 13, 2012, 8:24am

Hi Maggie,

Hahaha “I would most definitely love to take you out on a date if you’ll have me.” Trying to play it cool now, Sawyer? I may have gotten pesto all over my clothes (and overcooked the pasta), but your little celebratory dance and the big-dimpled smile you wore over Skype totally outs you as the biggest dork in this conversation… I’m excited though! The conference is a big deal and I’m definitely googling places to eat in Rome as a way to procrastinate on finalizing my paper. You’ll have to help me out with picking a place, though. I feel like I’m just getting tourist traps. Also I do not know any Italian whatsoever, so I’m a little worried.

Small update on the sign language question: apparently there are about 300 sign languages in the world today. In some countries, such as Sri Lanka and Tanzania, each school for the deaf may have a separate language, known only to its students. And then countries may share sign languages, though sometimes under different names (Croatian and Serbian, Indian and Pakistani). But for me, the most interesting thing about this is the way that countries such as Nigeria, ASL is the “root” influence. It’s interesting… I’m sure an anthro/linguistics person could tell us more. And right? I’m totally sure colonialism plays a role, but I just don’t know enough to speak intelligently about the subject. There’s also International Sign, which is a pidgin sign language that is used at international events including meetings of the World Federation of the Deaf. I swear after today I'm going to stop procrastinating.

Your line in your last letter "Because if I ruin something myself, it can’t be ruined for me, you know?" really struck me. You're just...Maggie you deserve good things, and I wish that I could tell you that every day until it sinks in.

Also thanks to you I've now been thinking about what it would be like if Animal Farm explored militarization in addition to the commentary about the corruption of socialist ideals in the Soviet Union. I feel like Michael Bay would salivate over doing that adaptation... Transformers meets Orwell.

Ok questions for you:  
1) What is the best Halloween costume you've ever had?  
2) If you could win an Olympic medal for any sport, real or fake, what would it be?  
3) What is your stance on napping? Pro? Against? Are you a cat napper or a nap-for-four-hours-and-wake-up-feeling-like-death kind of person

I can't wait to see the pictures you’re sending!

Your Mr Darcy (apparently),

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter! I’m at a conference all day and someone (ahem, Bears) forgot to write a response until this morning


	58. Chapter 58

March 15, 2012, 5:24pm

Dear Alex,

Oh hush. You told me I was, and I’ll quote, “beyond adorable,” so you don’t get to call me a dork now. But, I don’t know, I just…it’s still all new for you. I don’t want to make assumptions about how you feel about certain things, and, well, if something changes, I get it. I’m not saying I want it to change. I’m just letting you know that it’s okay. But that’s why I keep checking in with you…to make sure. But regardless of what we do, I’m so proud of you for getting accepted to such an important conference! It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest, but I’m so happy to hear that things are working out for you, especially since earlier this year I remember how frustrated you were when it seemed like some of your experiments weren’t going well. Ooh…let me think about Rome and restaurants. But you absolutely have to go to this little gelateria a block or two away from the Vatican. Super great gelato. Pretty decent prices. Very generous servings. As for restaurants, I’ll start asking around. I wasn’t in Rome very long, so I don’t think I’m the best person to answer that…yet! I will be by the time you get here, though!

So many interesting facts! But in order not to encourage you down any additional research rabbit holes when you have more important research to do for your fancy conference, I’m going to skip to your next section, which…I appreciate it. You do too, though. And when things go wrong, you don’t have to go it alone. You’ve got people on your side (lots, I’m sure, but I suppose, to stick with things I can say with certainty, you’ve got me).

Though couldn’t we think about Napoleon’s dogs as a pretty decent representation of militarization? Wait, no. No. You have work to do. Dammit, Danvers, it’s hard! I want to talk to you and respond to your interesting points, but I don’t want to encourage procrastination because you should get to do your absolute best because I just know you’ll blow them all away. (Also, can I be honest? I’ve never seen Transformers… I know! Not even Megan Fox was enough to tempt me.)

Now on to your questions!

 **1\. What is the best Halloween costume you've ever had?**  
When I was younger, I went as a t-rex three full years in a row. My parents wanted me to be a princess. I staunchly refused. I think we really all should have seen certain things coming… I also went as Dracula (not a generic vampire—no, Dracula, very specifically) in middle school. To be honest, I didn’t really dress up much in college or post-grad. I’d throw on a flannel shirt and call myself a cowgirl to be done with it. Maybe one day I’ll be a t-rex once more—relive my glory days!

 **2\. If you could win an Olympic medal for any sport, real or fake, what would it be?**  
Oooh! Now, when you say “could win,” do you mean: what sport (real or fake) would I be the closest to being capable of actually winning? Or do you mean, if I could choose anything to be good at, what would it be? If the former…uh, I’m pretty good at puzzles, especially logic puzzles. I thought I might do law school for a while, so I studied for the LSAT quite a bit. Obviously that didn’t end up being the right path for me, but I was pretty good at the logic puzzle section and ended up tutoring students for it. Pretty decent money too. But if it’s the latter, I would absolutely love to be able to win a medal for diving. I’m not a great swimmer as is, so this would guarantee that I was a pretty excellent swimmer, plus I’d get to be able to do all the cool stuff in the air. And there’s a certain level of gracefulness that comes with it too, I think. Yeah, definitely a cool sport. Oh and then you know that people would tune in to watch your event because it looks neat, even if you’re not overly well-versed in it.

 **3\. What is your stance on napping? Pro? Against? Are you a cat napper or a nap-for-four-hours-and-wake-up-feeling-like-death kind of person?**  
If I’m sick or have my period, I’m all about napping, and it makes me feel better. Any other times? Nope. Does not work. I end up in bed, staring at the ceiling, not falling asleep, thinking about all the other things I could be doing (and should be doing). But it makes me sleepier, so then when I finally pull myself out of bed and admit that sleep is not going to come, I feel worse than when I got into bed in the first place. That being said, I’m not opposed to some good old-fashioned cuddling on a cold morning.

Now my questions for you: If you got teleported to the year 2050, what’s one thing you’d be super disappointed to find hadn’t been invented yet? Do you have a bucket list? What person in your life knows you best? Do you remember your dreams, and, if so, do you ascribe any meaning to them? (Don’t worry about answering if you don’t have the time!)

And I know we talked about trying to do another Skype call this weekend. Want to do the same time as this past weekend, or do you want to switch and be the morning person again?

Does this make me your Lizzy? There are worse things, I suppose, than being clever…

Yours,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Happy Saturday!


	59. Chapter 59

March 16, 2012, 9:02pm

Dear Maggie,

Fine, you caught me. You’re adorable. And I appreciate that you’re checking in with me to make sure I’m ok and being respectful of my time. This is embarrassing, but Maggie…you help me feel ok. If that makes sense? I was…not doing well in the months up to meeting you. The isolation really got to me, and I was kind of spiraling under the sheer amount of pressure. I feel like I’ve really only gotten my life back together recently, and I understand that this may be a lot to pin on you, but I think you’ve been a major contributor to that? Our conversations and letters gave me the space to actually think about the way I’d been living my life, and they helped me imagine ways that I could be doing better. You helped me believe that maybe I deserve better. And then you gave me the courage to actually _try_ for that better version of myself. No matter where this goes, I’ll always be grateful for the last few months of talking with you.

On a less serious note…don’t deny me my research rabbit holes! Haha...the meat of the work has been done. I’ve gotten my methods and results section written, I have actually made the figures already, I’ve gotten all of my references compiled, and I’ve workshopped my major points for the intro and discussion with my advisor. This isn’t my first rodeo (Read: first-authored paper. I’ve never actually been to a rodeo). From there, simplifying it all into a powerpoint presentation won’t be too daunting of a task.

Also side note: no one will ever blame you for skipping a Michael Bay movie…even if Megan Fox is on screen. And you’re totally right about Napoleon’s dogs. All I’m saying is imagine those dogs with tanks.

To address your answers to my questions:

1\. I would pay good money to see you in a T-rex costume. How did you dress up as Dracula, specifically? Did you go more Bela Lugosi or Gary Oldman? My best Halloween costume growing up was Indiana Jones. Kept me warm while trick-or-treating and I looked like a badass. Plus my parents weren’t quite supportive of me going as Lara Croft so it was a workable alternative. Don’t worry, I gave Lara Croft a whirl when I got to college.

2\. So, you are a huge nerd AND a masochist? I may live my days in a lab, but I’ve never known anyone to willingly do LSAT logic puzzles. That’s intense, Sawyer. Diving is such a graceful sport. I can see the appeal. If I could invent an Olympic sport just so I could win gold, it would definitely be pipetting into the wells of an electrophoresis tank. Idk if you took bio or genetics of something in undergrad, but you would definitely remember the struggle if you did. After a substantial number of years of training, I truly believe I could beat out the competition. And as for a real Olympic sport…I’d love to be able to win a medal for archery. It seems super badass.

3\. You can’t nap unless you’re sick?! The horror! I used to be one of those people whose “cat naps” stretched on for four hours and left me feeling like I fell off the back of a truck. I’ve gotten better at the whole napping thing since late nights and early mornings became a more consistent part of my routine.

Interesting questions, Sawyer!

1\. If I got teleported to 2050 (I’m assuming this is through some freak accident and that we haven’t yet generated teleportation, because I need my hands on that technology now!), I would be super disappointed if time travel didn’t exist because then I couldn’t get back to Kara and you and my mom. Or hoverboards. I really want there to be hoverboards. Back to the Future gave me expectations, dammit.

2\. I did have that multi-decade life plan thing, but I feel like a bucket list is different. I feel like a bucket list is more for listing out the adventures you want to have in your life. I don’t think I’ve made a list like that in a very long time.

3\. Who knows me best? I feel like several people in my life know different pieces of myself very well. I’d like to say Kara probably knows me best just because she’s known me for so long, but I haven’t been very open with her recently.

4\. I sometimes remember my dreams. Especially if I’m very stressed or I’ve been sleeping very fitfully. I try not to read into them. I try to see them as the product of random electricity bouncing through my brain. I sometimes dream a lot about my dad, and when things were really bad those dreams were less than pleasant. You know, he’d say that he was disappointed in me or something like that. It hurt less to think about those messages being the product of electricity rather than…anything else.

Questions for you: 1) Favorite color? It’s basic, but important! 2) Have you ever dyed your hair? 3) What is one thing you never leave the house without?

I can be the morning person this week! We can try to cook again or I could just toast Eggo waffles haha...not sure I trust myself that early in the morning. Tomorrow morning, now that I think about the days of the week. Can't wait to see you in just a few hours!

Your last line made me grin for a solid three minutes. I was worried my face would freeze.

Until next time,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Bears would also like you all to see this link re dinosaur costumes: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/10/menace.html


	60. Chapter 60

March 19, 2012, 6:13pm

Dear Alex,

It was wonderful Skyping with you this weekend! Just so you know, I’ll be gone this coming Friday through Monday – taking a trip to Paris with two of the other Fulbright teachers I met during our stateside orientation and have kept in touch with over the year. The hostel was a little pricier (I guess you can get away with that when you’re Paris…), so I think we’ll be surviving on baguettes and cheese, though I have to say, that doesn’t sound too bad to me! But I’ll be sure to catch up on any emails from you I might have missed while I’m gone.

And yeah, obviously I’m adorable, Danvers. Jeez. I think we already established that! I know we sort of already covered it over Skype, but I wanted to reiterate that you’ve helped me too. I might have been doing well in the sense that I was in Italy and getting to travel and eat amazingly well (and pretty damn pleased about all of that), but I was…pretty closed off after everything with Emily went down. I don’t exactly trust easily, and getting me to open up is even harder, and it’s just…after doing that with Emily for so long only to have it all fall apart—in large part based on my own doing, I understand that—it made it harder to even consider doing it again. But then you came around with your oddly formal emails and your dry sense of humor, and suddenly those walls seemed scalable again. So if I’ve helped you, you’ve done the same for me. And again, no matter how things work or don’t work out between us, I’m happy to have gotten to know you. And I’m still here for you—always.

But alright, yeah, following your lead and skipping to less serious topics, that’s awesome about your paper being so close to done already! Definitely don’t think that’s the norm haha so I’m glad to hear you’re ahead of the curve (not that I’d expect anything less). Good luck putting it into PowerPoint! (Also, I’m really glad to hear you’ve not been to a real rodeo…not that it was my assumption when you used the phrase.)

Oh god, I’d really rather not imagine those dogs with tanks. Ever. Thank you.

I looked pretty damn adorable in that costume. I don’t, well, I don’t have any of my childhood photos, but if I ever go as a dinosaur again, I’ll be sure to snap some pictures for ya, Danvers. But uh, speaking of photos…if you have any pictures of your time as Lara Croft a few years ago…or if you have that costume still…I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be opposed. Oh and for my Dracula, hmm, definitely more of a Bela Lugosi – I like the classics.

When you talk about gold-medaling in pipetting, I really don’t think you get to call me the nerd and the masochist. Logic puzzles are fun – it’s nice to make order out of disjointed facts and see how they reveal so much more! Ooh archery, very cool. Definitely goes with the badass Lara Croft vibe.

Eh, it’s not for me. I’d much rather go to bed a little bit early if need be. Ah yeah…I could see how such irregular hours might turn napping into a bit of a necessity. Maybe if I ever have a job that leaves me on call like you doctor/medical profession-types, I’ll learn how to nap properly too.

Besides getting back (and it’s very sweet of you to include me on the list of people who matter enough to draw you back to 2012), would you actually want to be able to time travel? I’d always worry about messing something up and altering the whole timeline in a way that I thought was going to prevent something awful from happening but ultimately allowed for something so much worse instead. But that’s sort of bleak… Hoverboards sound awesome, though! Back to the Future definitely gave us all a lot of expectations haha! Personally I’m really invested in the idea of better and better modes of communication—maybe some sort of holograms? Some way of making distance feel like less of an issue. Or ways where we could all talk to each other and have our words be translated so that we understand each other without having to find a translator? I’d say interplanetary travel, but honestly, I don’t trust us enough not to fuck it all up. Not that other planets are necessarily doing much better, but I still don’t want to make it worse (or worse in a new way).

Well perhaps a trip to Italy would be a good time to start that bucket list… I have one, but I like to think of it as something that can (and should) change over time. There are certainly some items that got removed after Emily and I broke up. They mattered to me because they mattered so much to her, but once she was gone…I was definitely not as invested in, say, seeing a very particular ballet show.

Oh no, is everything okay with Kara? I’m sure with her in college and you in grad school, time is a bit scarce. Hopefully you two can make time for one another again soon. I can tell how much she means to you from the way you talk about her. As for me…I don’t know who knows the most about me. I guess maybe it was Emily for a time, but I don’t even know if that’s true. Maybe my aunt, though she has her own kids now to worry about, and we keep in touch, but not that well these days. I don’t know, I have suspicions about someone who probably knows more than is, perhaps, advisable, but I’m not sure.

Shit, Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories. Knowing what you’re doing with your work and seeing how you act as a person—the way you care for me and so obviously care for your sister and put such deep consideration into your work and how you’re living your life—I don’t see a world in which your father could be anything but proud. Plus, I think that the electricity bouncing around often makes our worst fears come to life, but that doesn’t mean those dreams are true or grounded in anything more real than those fears. Just because I dream about everyone leaving doesn’t make it something that will necessarily happen; it just means that I’ve been through it a few too many times and always carry around the worry that it could happen again. But also sometimes I have really absurd dreams. Like once I had a dream that I was at an amusement park where there was a roller coaster that gave you a new haircut, but you just had to hope and pray that it gave you a decent one while you flew through the air at, like, 100 mph. It cut off one of my pigtails (why I was in pigtails is anyone’s guess), and then I had to go cut off the other to even it out. It was not pretty.

Now your questions!

**1\. Favorite color?**  
Green!

**2\. Have you ever dyed your hair?**  
I have not. Or, no, well…I got this weird spray-paint temporary dye thing once? My friend and I went to the X-Games during college (very gay, highly recommend), and I let some girl from a local skate shop spray-paint some of my hair green, which was pretty excellent. It left my hair kinda crunchy for a few days, but the color all washed out right away.

**3\. What is one thing you never leave the house without?**  
I’d love to say keys, but sadly that’s not always been the case. We’ve all done the awkward walk down the dorm hallway to the RA’s room in nothing more than a towel, right? I’m not sure…I always keep 20 bucks with me in case of emergencies, but that sounds pretty boring. It helps to expect the unexpected, though, and be prepared for it.

Questions for you… Best birthday? Do you have a lucky number? Ever get a particularly bad haircut? Do you like shopping? What are your thoughts on that very controversial activity that is bowling? These are sort of boring, but I feel like we skipped right into some of the bigger questions without hitting the random shit along the way.

Counting down the days til you’re in Rome!  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar if you ever want to chat!


	61. Chapter 61

March 20, 2012, 8:30 pm

Hi Maggie,

Parisian baguettes and cheese? The horror! Haha I hope you have a lot of fun. I’ll miss you for our Skype date, but I can’t wait to hear about your adventures.

Ok, so I guess my thoughts on time travel depend on the answer to one question: do we live in a deterministic universe? Presumably, in a deterministic universe, if I got sent back in time there is no alternative timeline in which I didn’t go back in time, so my presence in the past cannot change the future. In fact, everything I do (no matter what it is) is necessary for the future to remain intact. The main drawback to this, however, is that well…we’d be in a deterministic universe. It would have consequences for our understandings of free will, morality, justice. Ugh I feel like I’m rambling like some freshman after their Intro to Philosophy class. Basically, my point is I’m not sure I want to live in Minority Report. I guess…I’d only time travel between the future and my own time? I’m sure if I think hard enough about that option, I’d a come up with a million and one consequences for that scenario as well.

I can imagine that it’s tough staying in touch with your aunt with balancing, well, life. From what you’ve told me she sounds like she has been a very important part of your life. I like that almost all of the futuristic technology examples you’ve listed are about connecting people to one another. It’s very you, Maggie.

Everything is fine with Kara. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just fine. I don’t know, I’ve been keeping a lot of things from her. I’m supposed to be the big sister who shows her how to do this whole adulthood thing. I’m supposed to be strong and put together. So, there’s just a lot I haven’t told her. I keep telling myself I’ve been waiting to be on more stable ground to actually talk to her. I don’t know.

Don’t worry about it; you’re not. It’s probably a good thing. Talking about these things is supposed to help right? And you’ve been helping, Mags. It’s really nice to hear that somehow I’ve been helping you too.

Questions and answers:

1\. Favorite color? Purple!

2\. My hair adventures: I went jet black during my punk rock phase…it ended up looking a dark purple in certain lighting. I don’t have the time to do the maintenance required for it right now, but I’ve always wanted to do a dark red.

3\. The one thing I’m never without: My phone and a charger. I just want to make sure if there’s ever an emergency with Kara or my mom, they can reach me.

Round two!

1\. Best birthday: Easily my seventh. My parents threw me a party at the local nature center. There were snakes, scorpions, and a giant tortoise! It was everything I could have ever wanted. Of course, not everyone was as enthusiastic as I was. We were watching a video recording of the party over winter break, and some kids weren’t…emotionally prepared?

2\. I don’t think I have a lucky number! Never really thought about it.

3\. Bad haircut? Yes. In the aftermath of the jet black dye job my hair was all damaged and I had to cut a large chunk of it off. It’s grown back now, but I almost miss my shorter hair sometimes.

4\. I didn’t know there was anything controversial about bowling! Is this like the hanky code or chapstick vs lipstick? I’ve been doing some googling, Sawyer, but my research skills are failing me. I will say though, the idea of renting shoes that other people have worn makes me very uncomfortable if I think about it for too long.

This is totally weird, but I’m realizing that I’m going to miss you while you’re away. That being said, I want you to enjoy your trip and not worry about me. I’m very busy over here deciding on what PowerPoint format to use for my presentation and brainstorming my bucket list. Speaking of productive procrastination, I have an adult-sized dinosaur onesie sitting in my Amazon cart, if you want to relive your glory days. And maybe, just maybe, I could find my Lara Croft costume to stand in Halloween solidarity with you…

T-21 days,  
Alex

P.S. Totally forgot to add questions! 1) Hogwarts House? 2) What do you wish you knew more about? 3) What are some small things that make your day better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Twitter @sapphicscholar and Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites 
> 
> I'm hoping to get the Supercat Sanvers 2020 update posted when I get home from work, but it's also someone's (hint, Bears') birthday today, so I've gotta celebrate the only adult I know who can eat quite as much cake as she does  
> 


	62. Chapter 62

March 22, 2012, 4:26pm

Morning Alex!

I know, I truly live such a hard life. Basically reenacting Dickens over here. I’m excited to tell you all about Paris! And it’s not weird: no matter how much fun it’ll be to see France for the first time and catch up with some friends who've been scattered all across Europe, I’ll miss you too.

Oh the nihilism of determinism…bringing me right on back to philosophy classes, Danvers! Interesting choice with the future because then you could fuck anything up, and it wouldn’t matter because you could come back and not do things that way. But then there are questions like, with the knowledge you have now, will you necessarily act in different ways? Not in a deterministic sense but would simply having additional information impact the way you act? Probably, right. And maybe some of those new choices would save you from pain, but they might also change good things down the line. Like, say, if kid me knew giving a card to Eliza would blow up in my face to the extent that it did, I might not have done it, but, shitty as all of that was and continues to be, would I have then tried to fight harder and change myself in unhealthy ways to appease parents who loved me only if I met certain criteria? Our experiences make us who we are, of course, so maybe it’s simply that I can’t quite imagine being where I am now without having gone through them, even if I wish I didn’t have to in some cases… I was gonna ask if you think you’d seek yourself out while traveling, or if you were of the camp that believes that seeing yourself would mess it all up. I guess if you’re the type to seek yourself out (and I kinda think I am…), that means time travel doesn’t become a thing before we die because I’ve yet to meet future me… Or maybe future me knows some shit about how bad things would be if she popped on back here. Who knows!

Yeah…I don’t know. Obviously I owe my aunt a huge debt of gratitude, and we made things work, but it was hard. She wasn’t quite old enough to suddenly be given a teenager, and it certainly wasn’t a choice she’d made so much as one that by necessity she felt compelled to accept, and now she’s getting a chance to do it right with some guy that makes her happy and a little son she’s getting to raise from the very beginning. I wasn’t in a great place when I moved in with her, and it really took a long time to open up at all, and by then, I was just about ready to move out to college. And I didn’t want to keep bothering her then, so I got jobs on campus for the summer that came with free housing, so we saw each other but…not much. I don’t know, sorry for rambling.

I get it, Alex, really, I do. But I suspect she misses her big sister. And I doubt that she’s expecting perfection from you—not that there’s anything wrong with you either! It’s okay to be figuring things out. You’re in your 20s! You don’t have to tell her everything right away if that’s not something you two do, but you don’t have to be the strong one all the time. You don’t have to shoulder the weight of those expectations for everyone else. And, speaking from personal experience, there’s never really a great time to open up…it’ll be easy enough to find an excuse or a reason for why it’s not the perfect time. But if—and big if here—you think it’d make you feel better or be a good thing for you, don’t let worries about timing be the only thing stopping you. And I’m always here to talk and listen if you think that maybe now isn’t the right time to be talking to Kara for you personally.

Now please tell me you also have photos of said punk rock phase. How punk rock are we talking?? Ah yeah, that makes sense about the phone and charger. If all my futuristic devices were for communication, it makes an equal amount of sense that your “must haves” are to support the people who matter most in your life. You shoulder a whole lot of responsibility, and I hope you’re getting all the support you need.

Oh wow…sounds like a delightful birthday! I’m so glad you have video evidence, especially if you’re still friends with any of those kids! My best birthday was definitely my 19th. I was in college, and my birthday was during finals, and also just…no one had any reason to do anything for it? I mean, we knew each other, but not for that long or anything, and they all had busy lives. But my roommate invited over all of my friends and packed our tiny-ass room to the brim—scared the shit out of me when they all jumped up when I got back, but it was great. They’d even made me a homemade cake with the absolute messiest icing decorations I’d ever seen, and it was amazing.

Not that my lucky number does anything for me, but it’s 16. I like that it’s a perfect square, as is its root. It’s neat and clean, and I love it. Also it’s even, and that’s important.

I could see you looking great with short hair! I mean, you look great now too. You get what I’m saying, right? I had bangs when I was a kid…not a good look. I don’t know who told hairdressers that all kids should get bangs, but they definitely shouldn’t. Especially not kids with thick hair.

Bahhaah no, Danvers, it’s nothing like the hanky code! Oh my god, now I’m envisioning all the possibilities that you could have conjured up based on that code… No there’s some comedy routine about it, but also like, in addition to the borrowed shoes, I know some people are very worried about the sanity of those willing to stick their fingers into germ pits and then go right back to eating nachos and act like they don’t have ebola or something.

Hope the bucket list creation is going well!! And if there are any items on it I can help with while you’re in Italy, I’m always down to help! Hah oh god! If it meant seeing you in a Lara Croft costume, though, I’d happily suit up in a dinosaur onesie. I will say, though…uh, looking at sizing, they seem to think all adults are brontosaurus-sized (what “average” adult is 5’9”-6’0”???). I may be a little closer to the 5’ end of the spectrum…

On to your questions!

 **1\. Hogwarts House?**  
Hufflepuff with as much house pride as a Slytherin

 **2\. What do you wish you knew more about?**  
So many things! But I’d really love to know more about alien cultures. I think it’s fascinating because we’re so used to the way things are here (and even getting out of a U.S.-context, we still generally understand how things work elsewhere because there’s a lot of interconnection and communication between cultures), but who knows what life is like out in space! Maybe it’s really different or weirdly similar—in any case, I’d love to know

 **3\. What are some small things that make your day better?**  
Ooh, good question! Hmm…talking to other people? Or, not just people in general, but people I can really have a good conversation with. I think your emails qualify, and our Skype dates definitely do. Then I also like getting to talk to my students or sit down with some of the other teachers. Oh and dogs. Dogs always make a day great. Unless you can’t pet them. Then it’s a bummer.

Questions for you! Do you people watch and, if so, do you ever make up stories about the people you see going by? What’s your least favorite question to be asked/compelled to answer (icebreaker games are also acceptable here)? If I set you loose in an art museum, then came back for you, where would I find you? The last question may or may not be inspired by extensive research about all the art in Paris…

T-19 days,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the birthday wishes for Bears! 
> 
> As always, I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar if you ever want to chat!


	63. Chapter 63

March 27, 2012, 9:32pm

Hi Maggie,

It’s interesting how so many stories about children or young adults focus on orphans or people with shitty parents/guardians, isn’t it? Harry Potter, Tarzan, Dorothy, Annie, Matilda, (a large proportion of Roald Dahl’s protagonists, actually), Simba, Mowgli, Snow White, Cinderella, and Luke Skywalker even. It’s almost like in all of these stories losing your parents or having a dysfunctional family is necessary for being a hero. I remember being a little kid and when I would play superhero I would have to imagine a tragic backstory that motivated my journey to fighting crime. My parents died in thousands of different (and ridiculous) ways. Toxic waste spills, gang warfare, mugging, shark attack, shipwreck, poisoning, stampede…it’s a long list. There was this weird glamour around the particular type of suffering that is losing your parents.

Then my Dad died.

It was years after I finished playing those stupid games, but they kept popping into my head every time I tried to go to sleep.

We have so many stories or whatever that tell us that suffering and loss are essential to becoming some better more heroic version of ourselves. But I feel like I’ve become the person I am despite what I went through. I lost some important part of myself that night. I’m not sure what exactly, but I’m a harder person because of it. Maybe one day I’ll feel like I’ve learned something important from it, but I’m not there yet.

Sorry idk…I fully intended this to be a happier letter, but it’s been a tough day and yeah.

I’m sorry you went through what you did with your parents. I wish it didn’t happen, and I wish they could have just loved you like every child deserves to be loved. And maybe you were able to do something productive with it, and I just…couldn’t. And that’s fine too. I guess there were probably a lot of tragic orphans, but we only read about the ones who became heroes.

…

Hey…sorry I needed a break from the letter for a while. I know you’re back from Paris now, which is for the best—in case you did end up being able to check your email there, and then this would have been a depressing note to read. Anyway, the rest of your letter!

I’m going to try to talk to Kara. I don’t know much about your aunt, but maybe try to talk to her, too? I’m sure at the very least she’d love to hear about your adventures abroad.

My punk-rock-veering-into-goth phase lasted longer than I’d care to admit. And I’m talking dark hair, dark lips, thick eyeliner, pale foundation, and studded chokers. Kara is a little blonde ball of sunshine so it made for very interesting family photos. Whatever, it’s embarrassing now, but I thought I looked hot.

Sorry again for the depressing start. I wasn’t going to send it, but we’ve talked a lot about how addressing this stuff is important, and idk

Your 19th birthday sounds really awesome! 16 is a really beautiful number when you put it that way. I’m so glad bowling is not some sort of “sign” because the way you talked about it literally sent shivers down my spine…and not in the fun way. I just felt the sudden urge to wash my hands in boiling water.

Also, I mean this in the absolute best most complimentary way…YOU’RE SO TINY. I didn’t realize how tiny you are!! You’re like a pocket gay!

In response to your answers:

1\. Hufflepuffs do not get enough credit! Hard work, dedication, patience, loyalty. They really have all the character traits of someone you would actually like to have in your life. I want to think of myself as a Ravenclaw, but I think I’m just a pretty nerdy Slytherin.

2\. I really like your answer about wanting to learn more about alien cultures. I can only imagine what could be out there. I’m personally curious about how other planets that are more enmeshed in intergalactic relationships handle issues like safety and public health.

3\. Ah so you’re one of those extrovert people….well this is awkward haha. I’m just kidding of course. For me, the small things that make my day better are just like little moments where I can recharge. If I don’t get little breaks I really just end the day feeling ten times more exhausted than I would otherwise.

In response to your questions:

1\. I do! Maybe we can people watch together in Rome? I also play that game where you look around the room and think, “If I were to be attacked right now, what could I use to defend myself…”

2\. Least favorite question right now is: “What’s your major?” I know I’m on the younger side for my program, but I would really appreciate it if people would stop mistaking me for an undergraduate student.

3\. If you set me loose in an art/history museum, you would definitely find me the Ancient Egyptian section. There’s just something so cool about hieroglyphics, and a part of me likes to try to find images that one could possibly interpret as the ancient Egyptians interacting with extraterrestrials. I know, I know it’s totally the type of thinking that would get one onto one of those awful History Channel shows, but hey I have trouble believing that Superman was the first alien to land on earth. If there wasn’t an Ancient Egyptian art collection, however, I would be in the sculpture section. It’s so fascinating to me how artists can take a block of stone and turn it into something that looks like it could move.

Questions for you: 1) Building on our Harry Potter discourse, what do you think your favorite subject at Hogwarts would be? 2) Dark, milk, or white chocolate? 3) What’s one goal you have for this year?

T-14 days (holy shit that’s soon…I need to start thinking about what I’m gonna pack),  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	64. Chapter 64

March 30, 2012, 7:32pm

Hi Alex,

So sorry for the slightly delayed response! The trip to Paris was really wonderful, but I fell behind on a few things I had to do…like grading a massive stack of papers, say, or buying groceries. Anyhow, I’m pretty much caught up now, so if you want to Skype, I’d be up for taking a turn as the morning person either tomorrow (for tonight your time) or Sunday (for Saturday night your time). But I also know that we get more time when you’re the morning person (not that we’re good at enforcing the time limits when I’m morning and end up making you stay up way too late…). So maybe let's plan on you being morning tomorrow? If it doesn't work, just shoot me a message.

Okay, on to the email. Alex, I’m really sorry if anything I said seemed to imply that you weren’t doing enough to “make something” of your pain or loss. I don’t know. I guess…I think it’s a little different because theoretically mine was something I could have stopped with my own actions without having someone from the future come tell me. You know? Like, I could have been a little more cautious or thought more about what it meant to be in a small town or think about the fact that I’d never met a gay person in my town, and even if no one should have to be constantly vigilant as a kid, I still walk around knowing there are so many ways and so many timelines in which that moment didn’t happen. I fucking remember sitting there and almost chickening out. I remember nearly not signing my name, or only putting my initials, and there was a boy in my class with the same initials who could’ve been the suspect. And it’s just…if I dwell on that too long, then I feel like I start to go a little crazy because I was the only one responsible for what happened to me. (And I know, I know, my parents were responsible for their reactions and all, but still.) And so I have to be able to see something good coming out of that or else…jesus what was the point? Why did it happen like that? Why did I think it was a good idea? And so I have to remember that if I could go back and change it, it might have meant that I stayed closeted for a really long time. It might have meant that I grew up internalizing every single moment of homophobia and bullshit around me and walked around with so much shame that trying to own my sexuality might have been even harder. Anyway, don’t…you can ignore this, really. It’s just saying, like, please don’t hear my words and think that I’m suggesting that you are anything less for not seeing loss as a source of strength. I do because for me and my mental health, I have to.

I hope you’re feeling a little better now. And it’s okay if you’re not. But I still hope you’ve had a few better days. I'm here for you.

You’re right. I should send my aunt a letter. I actually started thinking about her while I was in Paris thanks to our conversations, so I bought her kid a little Asterix toy and book that I’ll try to mail to her this week. I also got you a little something, but I may wait until you’re here, since international delivery can be a bit slow… Wouldn’t want it to cross paths with you and arrive at an empty apartment! I also picked us up a bit of wine that maybe we could enjoy…do a proper Italian/French taste test and act really fancy. The trip overall was fun. One of the girls I went with got really sick, though, and so we took turns hanging out with her in the hostel, which…so not a fun place to be feeling anything less than perfect. But I still go to go see the tourist-y stuff like the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre, but then I also went to Shakespeare and Company and wrote a letter on their typewriter and got to see a few of the smaller museums. And oh god, SO MUCH cheese. And bread. Oh and crepes! They were amazing. Like, I’d had them before, but they were much better in France (not to sound like some stuck up a-hole).

I’m 100% down to believe you looked hot. Though I feel like you could probably pull off most things. I would absolutely love to see those family photos, though. Please tell me Kara was not only blonde and perky but wearing something equally preppy like pastels or polos or god even cardigans! A+ family photos indeed.

No, it’s definitely good to talk about things. I know I’m not always the paragon of openness, but I like to think I’ve gotten better at trying…at least with you. And I really am always here if you need someone.

Hahaha! So glad to have ruined bowling for you! I suppose I am tiny…and I see you’re getting in your gay cultural education. Tell me you’re at least getting some gay ladies to supplement your Will & Grace?

I can see you as a nerdy Slytherin. But it’s cool—Slytherins get a bad rep, but they’re not all bad. I’d even wear your house tie if we were at Hogwarts together.

Oh yeah…the public health angle is interesting, and probably would be helpful for your research too!

I suppose I am one of those extroverted people…I don’t mind a bit of time alone, but I do that to unwind, rather than recharge, if that makes sense. When you’re in Italy if you ever need some time alone after conference stuff before seeing me, just let me know! I’ll understand!

Yeah, we can totally people watch! I did put it in my perfect morning answer, after all. Also…I read the first half of your point about looking around the room and figuring out what you would use to defend yourself, and since we’d just been talking about people, I literally thought you meant what people you would use to defend yourself. Little brutal. But I guess I’m dealing with a Slytherin ;)

Aww, that’s the worst. I also get mistaken for someone much younger on a pretty regular basis. Nice to know that even a few extra inches of height wouldn’t have saved me from those questions.

Ooh, what a good choice! Huh…I guess, even though I’m sitting here being like, well of course there are so many more aliens on earth than we’ve ever realized, I never actually thought about *when* they arrived. Why the hell would we be the oldest planet? And just because we had nothing that could even come close to space travel back then didn’t mean that other planets and civilizations didn’t. And now I’m contemplating all these historical figures in a really new light… I have so many questions. Meanwhile my boring ass answer was gonna be that you could find me with the Impressionists.

Your questions!

 **1\. Building on our Harry Potter discourse, what do you think your favorite subject at Hogwarts would be?**  
Oooh! Okay, so I always thought Flitwick sounded adorable, but I think I’d be really into Care of Magical Creatures and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Though I’d also love to learn how to be an animagus, so I suppose I’d need to learn to love Transfigurations (and even though I think I’d be pretty intimidated by McGonagall, I think she’d be an amazing teacher). But now I’m like oh god we can’t just disregard Herbology! But I still think it’d be second-tier…

 **2\. Dark, milk, or white chocolate?**  
Dark chocolate all the way, but…controversial opinion: I actually like white chocolate?

 **3\. What’s one goal you have for this year?**  
Damn…tough question. I’m applying to police academies right now, actually. So I’ve been getting up early every morning to go for long runs (though not in France…would probably have thrown up cheese if I tried anyway) to get ready for the physical exam portion, then drafting parts of the written application at night. There are a few really stand-out programs in the country, and one or two are tied to departments that have divisions that deal with aliens and protecting their rights (well, okay, yes, also catching them when they break the law, but still, I think it’s important to keep both sides of the equation in mind). DC has an emerging alien task force that you can work with, and then National City’s Police Department has a Science Division that I think would be pretty cool. And, I don’t know, not that we have to stay together or whatever, but National City isn’t that far from Stanford… But also, you know, California and good weather and all the gays—pretty much sounds like heaven haha. I don’t know what I’d pick between DC and NC, but that’s getting way ahead of myself because they’re both highly competitive, so it’s a reach even thinking I could get into one, let alone both! Then I’m also applying in Chicago and Opal City too. Chicago doesn’t have much that’s really special about it, but it’s a decent program, and it’s close to my aunt if anything ever happened. Who knows! We’ll see!

Questions for you…hmm… Okay, what would be your most embarrassing auto-fill? Like, you know if you type a key or two in on the internet or something and it guesses based on what you’ve searched for before. Like I had something absurd about hermit crabs that popped up at the top once when I had my screen projected for a project last year. Um to quote DFW in the least douchey of all possible ways (if it can be done), what’s a supposedly fun thing you’ll never do again? Are there any stereotypes you fill where you’re just like yep, I know, whatever, can’t be bothered to change it because it fits me well?

T-11 days,  
Maggie

P.S. What hotel will you be staying at in Rome? I can come pick you up for our date. Did you still want to try to do dinner on the 10th? Or do you think you'll be too tired from your presentation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Twitter @sapphicscholar and Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites


	65. Chapter 65

April 3, 2012, 10:55am

Hi Maggie,

Please don’t apologize. I wasn’t...I was talking more about the sort of cultural expectations around tragedy than anything else. It was the anniversary of my dad’s funeral this weekend. Normally I try to spend the day with family if I can and Kara offered to drop by, but I couldn’t afford time away from the lab considering I’ll be gone for the conference. I just couldn’t stop thinking of this one time I went to CAPS (the mental health services thing here) just because I though, I don’t know, everyone kept saying I should and…it really didn’t go well. The person they gave me kept trying to convince me that “everything happens for a reason” and that we can learn from the hardships we face in life. And idk I felt like I was failing at grieving. And who the fuck fails at that?

But you’re right, our situations are different and I can only imagine what it must have felt like to rebuild your life after what your parents did. I don’t know…reading about you leaving that card for Eliza, I can only think about brave you had to have been at such a young age. I think the way you were able to wrestle meaning out of all of that also speaks to your strength.

Ok after that depressing interlude…

I’m sure your aunt would love to hear from you!! I had never heard of Asterix before, but after a bit of Googling I’m pretty confident those are good gifts to send. _Très_ French.

I’m excited for my present. WHAT IS IT??? I will buff up on my oenological lingo for our wine tasting. I’ll admit on my grad school stipend I myself am partial to a vintage full-bodied “Two-Buck Chuck” from Trader Joe’s. (Don’t laugh, at least it’s not boxed wine.)

I’m glad the trip went well! I’m excited to see the pictures. Also I’m currently envisioning you in a beret with a cigarette in hand typing away at the Shakespeare and Company typewriter while gazing out at the Seine at Notre Dame, accordion music playing in the background. Obviously this is all happening in black and white.

I emailed Kara to see if she could dig up some photos of the two of us from that dark time in my life. You’ll be the first to know if she finds something.

Hahaha…I will need you to develop a syllabus for Alex’s Gay Education. This is priority number two, second only to figuring out plan’s for Alex’s Trip Abroad. I’m really excited. And we don’t have to go hunting for alien references in the Ancient Egypt Art exhibits. I’m sure we can find some hints of them in the Impressionists too. Or at least we can identify fuzzy outlines of creatures that may or may not be aliens.

I was also going to say Defense Against the Dark Arts and Care of Magical Creatures!! However, I’m not going to lie…I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of Potions, but it really depends on whether Potions is a closer analog to Chemistry or cooking. Though I’d like to think that even if it was close to cooking, with weekly classes I’d eventually become at least competent.

So, are you one of those people who seeks out the 99% cacao dark chocolates? Because if so, you’re clearly a masochist. More seriously, do you do flavored chocolate? I know some people like sea salt chocolate, or chocolate infused with chili powder or mint. I’ll admit I haven’t really tried white chocolate aside from a Hershey’s Cookies ‘N Cream Bar, which hardly counts as chocolate.

I hope you get into every program you’re applying too, but I’m not going to lie: I’m totally rooting for National City. I can show you where I got those massive cupcakes! Though I would totally understand if you decide to go to Chicago to be close to your aunt. Let me know if you want a second pair of eyes on your applications.

To answer your questions:

1\. Most embarrassing autofill: Not quite an autofill but certainly embarrassing. I was opening my laptop to show my professor a few figures I had made and I forgot that a google search of “How to know if you’re gay” was open in another tab. I like to think he didn’t see it…

2\. Supposedly fun thing I will never do again: Getting a pedicure. I know it’s supposed to be relaxing or whatever, but my feet are super ticklish and it is not a good idea to burst out laughing and start flailing when people are working with sharp objects near your feet. Don’t worry, I tipped generously even though I left with only one nail painted.

3\. The stereotype that fits me too well: I’m not sure, but I kind of fit the stereotype of the smart kid who got pushed into all of these accelerated programs only to burn out. I’m trying my best to shake that stereotype off. I was also once told that I fit that sort of bitter brunette with the “big black boots” and the “get back stare” from Jet’s “Are You Gonna Be My Girl.” That stereotype, however, is one I’m going to proudly live up to until the day I die.

Questions for you: 1) Flipside of a question we asked earlier on in this game: What is one superpower you would hate having? 2) What is one thing that you know is pretty ridiculous to be so obstinate over but you’re adamant about it and will argue over it to the death? 3) What’s your favorite season and why?

Bonus question: what should I pack for Italy that won’t make me look like a giant tourist.

I know I said it on Skype already, but to risk sounding a little dorky, I’m so excited to see you. I really, really am.

T-1 week!!  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	66. Chapter 66

April 5, 2012, 3:51pm

Dear Alex,

I’m sorry you had to deal with such a shitty therapist. There’s no one right way to grieve, and things can go from better to worse and back again because there’s nothing linear about loss. No one should ever have made you feel otherwise.

Eh, brave or stupid. Either way, it’s over now. No use dwelling on it.

Haha why thank you. Hopefully it’s not too much of a “little kid” thing for her son. I’m never good at figuring out what ages are the right ages for different presents—side effect of not spending much time around kids or people with kids, I suppose. And it’s not like you’re allowed to hand over a gift card (aka my go-to gift for people I really don’t know that well) to a 9-year-old and be like, alright kid, take care.

I see you’re one of those types…the kind that doesn’t really like surprises. Would you also try to find your presents before your birthday or holidays? Oh man, I might have had to google oenological, but I know better than to drink that stuff, Danvers! Remind me to order the house wine only ;) kidding…sort of. I mean, it’s actually quite good here for the most part, so generally that’s all I do unless someone else (aka Fulbright or the school) is footing the bill.

Definitely did not look quite so cool (or, uh, dare I say stereotypical?) as your imaginary me did. I’m pretty sure I was super sweaty from riding a packed metro around all day and looking overly self-conscious wondering if someone was watching me. But you should definitely continue to imagine me looking very cool and collected in some trench coat with a nice hat—very European, definitely not disheveled American tourist.

I’m glad you got in touch with Kara! And honestly I cannot wait to see those photos if she’s able to unearth them!

I will happily develop a syllabus for your lesbication. Actually…that could be your lesbian vacation or education. Both work. We’ll start while you’re here. Hahah maybe some of those swirly paint blobs were meant to be more than decoration after all!

Nice choices! We totally could have had fun at Hogwarts together. Ooh interesting. I think Potions would be so useful, though I always did wonder how one knew to add those extra ingredients or do things in a way that deviated from the instructions. Somehow it seemed less like cooking and more like chemistry to me, but maybe if we lived in the magic world and had grown up knowing how those ingredients interacted or behaved, it’d be as intuitive as knowing that, say, the cheese in this recipe can be a little overpowering, so up the garlic to give it more of a bite. Who knows! Tragically we’ll never find out.

Nah. I like dark chocolate and certainly don’t mind the bitterness, but I don’t go looking for the most bitter that’s available. Ooh I really like sea salt! I’ve made homemade hot cocoa with some chili powder because, like the salt, it really does help bring out the flavor. I’m trying to think…I suppose I’ve had Andes mints and Peppermint Patties, and they’re kind of like mint-flavored chocolate? But I hated those big boxes of chocolate samplers where inevitably 95% were stuffed with some artificial fluffy fruit-flavored bullshit. And you’d be crossing your fingers, praying for caramel, and nope, another goddam cherry. At least you can admit Hershey's is barely chocolate. At that chocolate festival I went to, they had white hot chocolate, and it was so rich and amazing and probably enough calories to count for a whole meal, but I couldn’t even care when I went back for seconds!

You’re very sweet, thank you. I know your time is already super limited, so I won’t take any more of it up by asking you to read extra things, but I appreciate the offer. I really doubt I’ll get in everywhere, but thank you for believing in me anyway.

Oh god, yeah, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you too. At least…at least hopefully that’s not something he would comment on. And hey! It’s still better than having porn or something open! Small blessings, right? I’m trying to think of something similar. Oh, while I was dating Emily, she mentioned that she really liked massages, and I was like cool cool cool. Don’t know how to give one, but cool. So I was trying to learn and one thing led to another and then she asked to borrow my computer one day and opened it only to find a how-to article called, “The Art of the Sensual Massage,” still up. I don’t think I ever lived it down.

Yikes, yeah, ticklish feet plus people touching your feet constantly does not sound like a good mix. I’m trying to think…oh, I really love wine or a good scotch, but I don’t like being drunk. Like, I’d much rather have my drinks with food or only enough to sort of dull things, rather than get all the way to world-spinning, can’t-remember-shit drunk. Back in college that seemed to be the goal for a lot of my friends and 1) it got to be super fucking expensive to do it, but also 2) I never liked feeling that out of control, like if something happened I wouldn’t be able to stop it or get away or whatever.

Ooh nice, I’m here for it. The Jet one, to be clear… The expectations can be a lot, but, Alex, it really sounds to me like you’re still doing amazing work, even if sometimes it feels harder or like it’s not always so easy as it once was. But you’re also doing things that are so much harder than remembering a bunch of random vocab words or the spelling of some random list of words or your multiplication times tables. Um…I guess I check a lot of the lesbian stereotype boxes. I’m really into button-ups, including lots of plaid, and I’ve got my fair share of blazers and boots and some menswear inspired (or just small-sized actual menswear) watches. And then the vegetarian and on-again-off-again vegan eating habits don’t help.

 **1\. What is one superpower you would hate having?**  
Ooh tough question. I think maybe reading minds. On the one hand, I’d love it. On the other, I think knowing how shitty people can be would destroy me. I’d rather get to see their self-censored versions, I think.

 **2\. What is one thing that you know is pretty ridiculous to be so obstinate over but you’re adamant about it and will argue over it to the death?**  
You mean besides how delicious white chocolate and vegan ice cream can be? Kidding. (True statements, but I don’t think it’s something I’m gonna fall on my own sword over.) Hmm…okay a few possibilities: the oxford comma matters and should never be forgotten. The metric system is so much better (though you can pry Fahrenheit from my cold, dead hands after I got hypothermia because I couldn't figure out what fucking temperature it was outside). Ash was a pretty terrible Pokémon trainer. And raisins don’t belong in cookies; they’re like the terrible surprise fake cherry in a chocolate—no one fucking wants it there!

 **3\. What’s your favorite season and why?**  
Hmm even though theoretically it’s a season of winding down and heading toward death and hibernation or whatever, I really like fall. It’s the best weather, and I love the falling leaves (something I’m sure will change if I ever own a home and have to rake them), but it’s not yet cold enough to start keeping people indoors. Kids head back to school and there seems to be some sense of…newness or possibility in the air.

As far as what you should pack for Italy that won’t make you look like a giant tourist…subdued colors? It sort of already sounds like you’ve got the all-black outfits down, so that shouldn’t be an issue. Oh, on a practical note, make sure you’ve got plug adaptors to fit the European outlets.

I am also so very excited to see you, and don’t worry about responding now because I know you’ve gotta pack and get the finishing touches on your presentation done and all that jazz. I’m off to join in on all of the Easter week celebrations, so I’ll be plenty busy until your arrival!

T-5 days,  
Maggie

\---

April 8, 2012, 10:03pm

Have a safe flight, Alex!! I hope you have some good books or music and maybe you can sleep a little on the flight too. You’re gonna kick ass on your presentation, I just know it! And then we can go out and celebrate! I was out with the same family I spent New Year’s with for Easter all day (and helping to cook, but I’m staying up tonight to get all my grading done now so that I can enjoy our time together without any stress!

Anyhow, I’ve got your hotel address written down and already printed out a map from the train station, so I’m all set! I’ll be in the lobby at 6 unless I hear otherwise.

T-2 days!! (And only one til you’re in Italy, but I won’t get to see ya then so…meh, less important)  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar if you ever wanna chat! (though okay I'm totally behind on responding because the fam is in town for another day or two, but I promise I'll write back soon!!)


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the days of Italy chapters begin! We're excited to be playing with our all written-language format in a slightly more visual way, and we promise there'll be several days of these installments, not just today...

April 10, 2012, 9:41pm

Alex? Are you okay? I tried calling but you’re not answering. I don’t know…did I do something wrong? I thought…I mean, you kissed me when we left the restaurant, so I thought it would be okay a second time. Was it about the jackass who yelled something? I didn’t say anything back because it’s normally better to ignore them, but it wasn’t like I wouldn’t have stood up for you if it escalated. Maybe…maybe I just wasn’t what you were expecting. I guess…I don’t know. Just tell me?

And please let me know that you got back safely. I know you’re an adult but it’s a new city in a new country and you bolted before I really realized what was happening, which is the only reason I didn’t chase after you right away. But maybe you didn’t want me to. I don’t know.

\---

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/39814572170/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41582051732/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/39814571950/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41582051532/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/39814571720/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41582051372/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	68. Chapter 68

April 10, 2012, 10:32pm 

I'm sorry. I just had to go. I made it back to my hotel and I'm ok. I'm not like you, Maggie. I'm not brave like you. I fucked this all up. Please don't worry about me. I'm an idiot and I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry.

Alex Danvers  
M.D. Ph.D. Candidate  
Stanford University, Department of Bioengineering

Sent from my iPhone

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/27605977208/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26605493917/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26605491277/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar  
> We promise we've still got some more chapters in Italy to come!


	69. Chapter 69

April 11, 2012, 2:31am

Hi Maggie,

I’m so sorry for running away on you. Everything had been going even better than I had dared to hope. Everything from getting to see you in person for the first time in all of your skinny jeans/button up glory, to the way it felt to hold your hand on our walk to find proper Italian gelato, to, hell, even seeing you shake your fist at the aggressive vespas that nearly ran us over at the crosswalk…it was all so perfect. You were so perfect, Maggie. More perfect than I deserved.

I’m ashamed that I ruined it all. All because one idiot yelled at us. I should be used to idiots catcalling by now, but this felt different. Like…I had this perfect thing that I thought was untouchable, something that was just for me, something that I didn’t think I could ever deserve but I had somehow managed to hold, and then someone else just grabbed it out of my hand and spat on it.

I stupidly thought this could all be so simple. I had gotten so used to feeling like it didn’t matter to anyone but me that I was gay or that I had this amazing person in my life. I didn’t necessarily tell anyone else because, well, I hardly tell anyone much of anything about my life. It’s not like I had close friends to talk to, and my mom and Kara certainly aren’t people that I was going to burden with my emotions—not now when they’ve both got so much else going on, you know. It was just such whiplash to realize that something that had made me feel so good and strong when it was between the two of us could be taken up into someone else’s hand to slice me open.

I told Kara though…when I got back to the hotel. I told her about how I felt about you. How I still feel about you. You’re amazing Maggie. None of this was your fault whatsoever. I’m just new to all of this and stupid.

I don’t even know where you’re staying in Rome or if you’ve already left the city entirely. I understand if you don’t want to see me again, but I just wanted to say that if you wanted to, I’d like to see you again. Even if it’s only as friends. Though if you’d be willing to give me another chance, I wouldn’t be opposed to finishing that kiss.

I really hope that you’re safe and that I didn’t totally fuck up your week off from school.

Alex

\---

April 11, 2012, 5:12am

Dear Maggie,

Hi, I’m Kara Danvers, Alex’s sister. I know you don’t know me and have really no reason to read an email from me, but it seemed worth a try. Because here’s the thing…I talked to Alex last night. For a really long time. Which hasn’t necessarily been happening much these days. And she told me all about the past year—about getting to know you and how having some kind of outside person helped her to get through some really rough semesters when she felt like she didn’t really have anyone she could be honest with before. She told me about how easy it was to open up to you, and I…I don’t know how much you know about the past few years, but I think when I showed up at the Danvers, Alex sort of…well, she stepped back. It’s a long story, but the space for her to open up and think about herself—it kind of closed down. And I was…adjusting and stuff…so it wasn’t like I noticed at first, then I let myself believe it was what was best for Alex, like…like she had chosen it instead of it being a thing that happened to her.

But you, in a matter of months, got her to be vulnerable and open. You let her put herself first for a change and made her a priority, and she needed that from someone. She told me that you made her happy (still make her happy, even if right now it’s a lot of crying…maybe don’t tell her I told you that part, though). I didn’t…I could tell from the phone calls we still managed to squeeze in that you were important to her. She was lighter when she talked about you, and I assumed you two were becoming friends, which, okay, yeah, you probably were doing that too. But then last night she told me the full story. And I know she ran out on you, and I can only imagine how confusing that was for you, but I also saw how devastated she was. She didn’t run because she didn’t like you, and if she acts like she doesn’t want to try again, it’s because she’s scared of guilting you into being with her or giving her a second chance, not because she doesn’t want it. I just…I worry that Alex isn’t going to be totally honest with you. I’m worried that she’ll act like it was all her fault without explaining why she ran or how upset she was leaving you behind. Anyway, I know you don’t have any reason to listen (especially not to me), but maybe consider it? I promise she’s really amazing as a person, and I can tell she’s totally head over heels for you, and I’m gonna hit send before she wakes up and notices that I’ve borrowed her laptop and found your email address, so okay, byeeee!!!

Kara

P.S. I really hope one day I get to meet you in better circumstances! Also, if one were hypothetically to go to Florence, where might one find that chocolate you sent? Also hypothetically, if one wanted to send something to you or drop something off for you this week, where might one do such a thing? Just out of curiosity!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> Also, you're all great and we're absolutely loving your comments!! Great nighttime reading :)


	70. Chapter 70

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/40977634264/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26828044767/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26828044657/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/39888902400/in/dateposted-friend/)

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April 11, 2012, 9:48am

Dear Alex,

Thank you for your emails. I am glad to hear that you got back safely and had the chance to talk to your sister, who probably deserves a hug (and I think is hinting that she’d like some more chocolate). Since you were really open with me, you deserve it back. I was hurt when you ran. I didn’t know what I did, and I, well, I’ve had a lot of people run from me or abandon me the second things got too real or weren’t perfect. And I know, trust me, I know, how scary and fucking shitty it is when all the sudden society steps in (in the form of some entitled straight asshole) and reminds you that you’re not “normal” in some way they feel compelled to call out. I wish I could tell you that it was a one-time thing and it’ll never happen again, but I can’t. It sucks, and it’s not fair, but it’s part of being out. And I know that it doesn’t make up for that bullshit, but I have to believe that if some asshole saw us and yelled, there was someone else, someone quieter, who saw us and realized that there was another possibility open to them. And the thing is, you’ll never know about that second group of people. It’s not normally some revolutionary moment where they’ll come running up to you. Maybe years later you find out that someone you knew way back when came out in part because they remembered you, but it’s not going to be that instant, visceral reaction of some jackass yelling from the street. And I…well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t offer you better. I’m sorry that I can’t promise you it’ll never happen again. I’m sorry that I can’t promise to always stand right up and yell back because that’s not always the way to stay safe, even if it’s frustrating as hell. But I can promise that it’s still better than forcing myself to be someone I’m not. And that might mean focusing on how amazing it felt being out with you and kissing you and holding your hand and seeing your eyes light up at the first bite of gelato or listening to you laugh at my silly jokes, but it also means forcing myself to live with the reality that there are people out there who want to tear all of that away from us.

You’re not stupid for being hurt or wanting better. Sometimes I think I’ve gotten a little too used to it…a little too jaded to really fight for better, at least when it’s me instead of someone else. And I…I’m still scared. I’m wary because I’ve been burned more than a few times. But I liked spending time with you, Alex. I still want to spend time with you. So if you want to give this another chance, I think I’d like that too.

But…I don’t want to sound like an ass, but I don’t think I can go through this cycle of happiness to fear to hurt over and over again. And I want to be here for you! But I think…I think _if_ it turns out you need more time to get used to this idea, it might be better for you to get used to it on your own terms and your own timeline without me standing next to you and pushing you to go too fast for your own good. And if you do want that extra time and you already know that, I will 100% be there standing at your side, cheering you on, but…as a friend. I want more, I really do, but I think…I think if it turns out that you do need a period to adjust to this new normal, then maybe you and I as a couple need that extra time too. But if you think that coming out to Kara helped or if you think that you’ll be okay with dealing with the occasional asshole so long as you know there are so many better (but quieter) people out there, then I’m here for you with open arms. Because I really do like you, Alex. 

Well…okay, here's the thing, I'm not quite "here" anymore. I took an overnight train from Rome up to Monterosso. I was able to get my original reservation back—it’s just a little apartment basically that a friend of a friend from Sicily rents out above his house up in the hills. If you wake up today and still feel the same way about wanting to join me and give this another try, you can follow the map I attached. I gave Marco your name so he’ll let you up if I’m out exploring when you get in.

And if you change your mind and decide it’s too much, I get it. I do. But if it’s just a question of whether or not I’m willing to give you another shot, well…Lizzy gave Mr. Darcy a second chance, right?

Maggie

\---

April 11, 2012, 10:35am

Hey Kara,

It’s nice to (electronically) meet you too! You in Italy? If so, I’ll certainly point you in the direction of some of the best chocolate and gelato ships (your sister tells me you like ice cream, so I have to assume you’ll love gelato).

In any case, I do appreciate your email. I’m not going to say too much because I think it’d be better for you to talk to your sister, but she’s lucky to have someone who cares about her as much as you obviously do. As happy as I am to be here for her, I think she’d appreciate the reminder that you’re in her corner too. And, uh, you should be proud of her too, you know? She was a lot less closed off than I think you worried she would be. Maybe (hopefully?) I’ll be seeing her soon.

Alex has my address—both the normal one and the one for the little apartment where I’m staying this week—but really, there’s no need to send anything. I hope one day we’ll get to meet.

Best,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> (also, hilariously, my fb memories for the past few days have been all my photos from Cinque Terre from many years ago when I freaked out and left the girl I was totally in love with alone in Paris and fled to Italy #babygayproblems)


	71. Chapter 71

April 11, 2012, 11:03am

Hi Maggie,

Thank you so much. I understand that you’re taking a risk, but I really want to be someone who is worth your time. I know I’m new to being out and all that it means, but I think I can get comfortable with being uncomfortable. In fact, I think there’s something far more appealing about the discomfort I’ve felt in trying to be more honest with myself and others about who I am than the “comfort” of living the life I told myself I had to want. Kara and I have been more honest with one another in the last few hours than I have been with anyone but you in years. I know that’s sad on so many levels, but…it’s true. And as for the idiots who can’t help but make comments, the thought of having a shot at building a life where I feel good about myself? And even more so, the thought of having another shot at what we could have? It’s more than a fair deal. Maggie, you say you wish you could offer me better, but you’re offering me the best thing.

Anyway, I’m taking the fastest train I see listed to Monterosso. Hopefully, there’s some truth to what they say about second times being the charm.

Best,  
Alex

\---

April 11, 2012, 11:06am

Dear Maggie,

Oh yeah, I can see the confusion. Alex called me, and she sounded so upset that I got right onto a plane (gotta love frequent flier miles, am I right?), and did you know that you can get WiFi on planes now? I was able to talk to her the whole flight, which is good because otherwise I would have been so nervous about her the whole time up in the air. But when I got there, she was so exhausted from staying up talking to me online all night that she pretty much just crashed. But the good news is that she's awake now! I promise, she normally keeps better hours than this, so you won't have to worry. But also she's letting me keep her hotel room in Rome while she comes out to see you (okay, I'm gonna let her hit send on her email first because she should probably tell you that, not me), and I hear there are buses and trains that go to Florence, so I'm gonna take one of them and find some of that chocolate one day this week! I won't come crash your weekend away because I think Alex wants some time alone with you, but I bet we could see each other soon enough! I hear you're thinking about going to the National City Police Academy, which is super great because I'm really close to National City, and I kind of hope that I'm going to be able to live there after graduation because CatCo is there, and it seems like such an amazing place to work.

Anyhow, I hope you and Alex have a great vacation! But also be good to her, okay? She matters a lot to me.

Best,  
Kara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	72. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you can't read the cursive (on this one or in future chapters, clicking on the photo will take you to the Flickr file where each one includes a plain text transcription of what is included in each photo file - they should have gone through (according to Flickr) for screen readers, but if it doesn't on AO3, it definitely works on Flickr)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41679289712/in/datetaken/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41434105782/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/27605240938/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26605391437/in/dateposted-friend/)

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/26606000747/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> We had this one in drafts ready to go when ao3 came back up (fingers crossed it works!), but the new 2020 chapter will either go up late tonight when we get back or tomorrow! Also...this one was different by far, so hopefully y'all like it!


	73. Chapter 73

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41727862392/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/27899874778/in/dateposted-friend/)

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April 15, 2012, 10:41am

Hi Kara,

Hope you’ve enjoyed your trip to Italy! It’s a really wonderful country, isn’t it? Before Alex gets on her plane and I get back on a train tomorrow morning, she asked me to send you a couple of the pictures. The first one is the view from the patio outside the house where we’re staying. We get to look out over everything with our breakfast each morning. It’s stunning.

The other one is of one of the neighborhood cats we’ve befriended. Your sister told me to send this one “as an homage to Streaky.” I hope you get what she means because all I took from the story was that Streaky was an alleycat back in California or something and that you’d enjoy the picture.

Thanks again for listening to Alex and flying all the way out to Italy to talk to her. You’re a good sister, and I’m really, really grateful that Alex has someone like you there for her.

Best,  
Maggie

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/40820473155/in/dateposted-friend/)

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[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41727862182/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41769057821/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41727861982/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with before, clicking on the photos will bring you to a plain text transcription (as well as the option to log in to see a much larger version of the photos)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41759189722/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41759189942/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> See you back here tomorrow for Chapter 75 with Maggie's letter to Alex!


	75. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! For those of you who might have missed the notes on earlier chapters, if you click the photo, it'll take you over to Flickr where there's a plain text transcription available for each picture in the description. I also opened the photos to non-Flickr members, so you can see larger images if you can read the cursive but just want to be able to zoom in

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/27801723168/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/40779960875/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/40779961325/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/27801724108/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/40779962115/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	76. Chapter 76

April 17, 2012, 1:56am

Hi Maggie,

I just wanted to let you know that I got in safe. I couldn’t sleep whatsoever on the plane so I’m probably just going to pass out soon, but I really wanted to send you a note first.

It feels so weird to be back here. So much has changed for me over the last week and yet everything here is exactly the same. The dishes I washed before leaving are still in the drying rack, my running shoes are exactly where I left them, and that one creaky floorboard still groans when I put weight on it. It almost doesn’t seem right. Packing up for my trip, prepping for my conference presentation, all of that feels like a lifetime ago. I may be here in California, but every part of me that counts is still with you in Cinque Terre.

Your alphabet list is so dorky and so perfect. I want all of those things with you. Yoga, and camping, and L Word marathons, and everything else. I want to build a gingerbread house with you as the weather gets colder. I want lazy Sunday mornings where we just lie in bed together. I want to blast music in the summer air while we work on our bikes side-by-side. I want to memorize the way the evening light catches in your hair.

Ok, I’m crawling into bed now. Wishing you were here. I put your letter on my bedside table just to remind me that none of this was in my imagination.

Good night, Mags,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> We've gotten a few questions about how much longer this fic will go on for (or, well, more accurately requests to keep it going hah), so to address a few things: 
> 
> 1) We'll probably need to wrap it up as a co-authored adventure by the end of this month, as Bears will be moving halfway across the country and starting a new job BUT that leaves us with quite a few more chapters and plot still to come (bc we've got things planned)! 
> 
> 2) For now...this fic has stayed at pretty g-rated throughout. Obviously they've hit a bit of a turning point in their relationship now that they've spent time together. We're contemplating making this part 1 of a series to add a few "appended" letters/texts of a less g-rated variety to keep this particular fic something that's sfw, etc. Thoughts? Interest? The appended materials would also likely be where we put anything if we ever returned to the fic once Bears has settled but before I join her (when, ya know, we're doing this whole LDR thing ourselves) 
> 
> As always, we really love your comments and feedback, and we're so grateful for the little reading community that's sprung up here!!


	77. Chapter 77

April 17, 2012, 8:01pm

Hi Alex,

Thanks so much for letting me know you got back safely!! I did too, though my trip was somewhat shorter than yours. I’m glad we got to take the train to Rome together at the very least, even if I couldn’t come with you all the way to the airport. I hope you got a good night’s sleep (actually, I’m kind of hoping you’re still sleeping…).

It does feel a little weird to be back to…reality, maybe? I went to work today, and anytime I had a break, it was weird not having the possibility of looking over my shoulder and seeing you. The kids told me I seemed extra happy, though, so apparently it’s not quite back to reality just yet. I suppose I’ll give it a few days until the endorphins finally make their way out of my system…gonna have to take up extra running to make up for that drop.

Hah shut up, you like me and my alphabetized lists. Ooh a gingerbread house sounds like so much fun! Though, Danvers, does it even get “colder” in California? I think I’m gonna have to drag you up north somewhere for that gingerbread house to be proper, and then we can have my dream winter morning with cocoa and Harry Potter movie marathons, then spend our afternoons building gingerbread houses and cursing at the stupid cookie sheets when they collapse under the weight of their white chocolate button shingles, and finally spend our nights together breaking in some other bed and breakfast mattress… And then of course all of the rest of your list sounds amazing too. I want to come visit you at Stanford and have you show me around and show me your lab (if that’s allowed) and be all super impressive almost-double-Dr. Danvers, which, by the way, is incredibly hot. And I want to come cheer at your graduation and meet Kara in person and have a contest to see which one of us can embarrass you more by yelling and whooping when you walk across the stage. And I want to take you to Chicago and wrap you up in my arms when you get cold because it’s about 20 times colder than California. And I want to take you to your first Pride parade, and maybe…maybe the timing will work out this summer…because I just know you’ll love Dykes on Bikes, and then we can go do our own thing or make out while all the big corporate floats go by cause that’s really not why we’re there. And I want to go to the beach and see you surf (I know it was on my first list, but honestly, it’s really high up there on things I want to do), and I want you to hold my hand and coax me out into the ocean and insist that it’s okay and that whatever slimy thing touches my foot is probably not a poisonous jellyfish there to kill me.

Do you think we could Skype soon? I feel like there are still so many things I want to talk to you about, some questions I have for you and stuff. And maybe…maybe I also want a reminder that all of this was real, that I didn’t imagine the way everything around us seemed to fade away when we were together. I know we’ve been doing weekends, but maybe we could try for a weekday if you ever have time during the day? I don’t know exactly what your class and lab schedule is like during the day, but, ya know, I’m happy to make myself available. Can’t wait to talk to you again soon!

Yours,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	78. Chapter 78

April 18, 2012, 12:41pm

Hi Maggie,

I’m typing up this message while listening to this “ortho-pod” (remember how I told you the orthopedic surgery track attracts the most dude-bros of any discipline? This is guy is like the Ur-bro from which all other bros descend) give a presentation at this end-of-semester event. There’s free food and free coffee, so all the PhD students have swarmed. We’re camped out in the back “taking notes” on our laptops.

I do hope you realize that I’ve been daydreaming about showing you around my lab all morning. Specifically, in the daydream you get incredibly impressed by how amazingly put together I am and by how good I look in a lab coat and safety goggles. Maybe I show you pretty things in the microscope or like walk you through some of the new work we’re doing. Suddenly, there’s some sort of medical emergency and I get the team together and save them! And then you’re impressed once again by my competence! And then the music swells (why is there music? Because it’s a daydream), and you take off my googles and I take down my ponytail and we kiss and it’s wonderful. Of course if it was real life I’m sure we’d be violating like at least three different lab safety rules.

I like it when you talk about things like coming to my graduation, visiting Chicago, going to Pride, and maybe…potentially…my teaching you how to surf? I know you don’t yet know where you’ll be next year, but I want more of you in my life, Maggie.

I’m sharing my Google Calendar with you, so you can get a better idea of my schedule. Feel free to share yours with me too if you’d like, but no pressure! Maybe tomorrow afternoon would work?

Yours,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> And for those of you who were following the angsty post-break up, post-amnesia Sanvers fix-it fic, the last chapter of part 2 (yessss with a happy ending) went up last night!


	79. Chapter 79

April 19, 2012, 3:49pm

Hey Maggie,

I am hereby letting you know that “The day Maggie Sawyer asked me to be her girlfriend” is now officially a recurring event for April 19 on my Google Calendar. This is precisely what you get for saying that sharing my color coordinated Google calendar was, and I quote, “the equivalent of nerd third base.”

Also, I just confirmed with my mom. I’m going to drive tomorrow, sleep overnight, and then on Saturday I’m going to tell her when we do lunch. I’m really nervous still, but I’m glad I’m doing this on my terms. I meant what I said when we were together, I am not going to run away from who I am or from this relationship. I have to ask though, does this whole coming out business ever get easier?

Ok, getting dropped off at the Boys and Girls Club now. I’m really excited to show the kids the pictures we took during our trip! They’ll be excited. Naturally, they’ll be getting the very G-rated version…

Your nerd,  
Alex

Sent from my iPhone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	80. Chapter 80

April 20, 2012, 9:12am

Morning Alex,

I don’t know if you’ll see this before you leave (though knowing you, you might still be up…), but I wanted to make sure I got something to you. First of all, I’ll have you know that I now have a recurring event on my calendar on April 19 called, “Alex Danvers agreed to be my girlfriend.” So we can both catch some yearly reminders.

But I also wanted to say good luck in Midvale! I know you already have Kara’s support, which is really wonderful, and it sounds like your mom is probably going to be fine and supportive too, even if you don’t have the best relationship overall, but it can definitely be nerve-wracking, even when you have every reason to think it’ll turn out well. It, uh…I don’t know that it gets easier, but you get used to it. And at a certain point, you sort of know how many people you do have in your corner, and that helps. Because now if one person rejects you, yeah, it stings, but you’ve got so many other people there reminding you that it’s their loss, not yours.

I hope this is coherent because I know I’m basically half-asleep from staying up a little later than I normally do to Skype with you last night (totally worth it, don’t worry), but I just wanted to say, I don’t know, I’m proud of you. I know some things have been a little rocky in the course of getting to this point, but I really do admire you, Alex. You’re brave and passionate and throw yourself into the things you care about wholeheartedly, and I trust you not to run away. I trust you in general. And I hope you know that I’ll be here too. I know I’ve been a little…cautious at times. But I’m in it too. I’m in it and excited about it. You just, you make me so very happy, Alex. And I want to do the same for you. I want to be good for you. Because you deserve it. You deserve all the good things. And you deserve a happy, loving, supportive family, and so I am really hoping everything goes well and you feel comfortable telling your mom. And no matter how it goes, know that I’m here for you (though I’m hoping it’s to celebrate and blow air kisses at each other through our cameras). But I’m also not expecting to hear from you this weekend, since I know you’ll probably want to take time to be with your family and not totally tied to a computer. So don’t worry about me—I’ve still got plenty to explore before I leave in two months.

Aww, hope the kiddos enjoyed the pictures!! It’s really so beautiful. I know it’s beautiful down here too, but damn…I don’t think I’d ever get tired of the view we had up in Cinque Terre. But, uh, if you ever want to reminisce on some of our less G-rated photos or whatever…

Sorry, okay, I’m clearly too tired to be typing! I’m gonna go get an espresso to wake up properly and sit in the sunshine or something. Like I said, good luck with your mom! Just…I don’t know, if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to try to avoid going into it with set expectations? I know she’s not always been great about showing you support in the past, but I’ve definitely pushed back a little too hard when coming out because I assumed someone was gonna be an ass about it, and then that ended up being what made things bad, not their reactions. It’s hard, but…it’s not always the worst thing in the world to be hopeful. I let myself hope when it came to you, and I have to say, it worked out really, really well. Drive safely! Make sure you get enough sleep before you leave! And eat dinner—don’t go setting off alone on an empty stomach!

Love,  
Maggie

\----

April 20, 2012, 9:15am

Shit! I didn’t mean, like, I get that it’s early or whatever. And I’m not expecting anything back or for you to say or feel or think that way or whatever. I was just typing fast, you know. They should really put an undo button that lasts longer than a few seconds here, huh? Anywayyyyy um, safe travels?

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	81. Chapter 81

April 20, 2012, 9:17am

Hi Maggie,

You’re adorable. Here’s an update for your calendar: On April 20, 2012, Alex Danvers tells Maggie Sawyer she loves her back. And I do. Love you that is. So don't worry so much.

Love,  
Alex

\---

April 21, 2012, 8:52pm

Hi Maggie,

Spoke to my mom today. This may sound strange, but after all the stress and anxiety I had built up around this moment. Actually telling her was…anticlimactic? I had prepared this whole speech, practiced it at least four times on the car ride alone, and was all prepared to wait for exactly the right moment. Naturally, in the end I just sort of blurted everything out while making coffee this morning.

She was a little surprised to say the least. Not in a bad way or anything like that. We just haven’t really talked much about anything personal over the last few years, and suddenly she was hearing that not only was I gay but I had met someone who actually made me happy. I think she has been (understandably) worried about me. There was no shedding of tears or like fierce celebration or anything like that. We talked for a bit, and then went back to sipping our coffee watching the rain fall outside. It was just quiet and kind of nice?

I don’t know…it’s not like this one conversation is going to magically make us the Gilmore girls or anything. We have a lot of work to do, and I’m not quite sure either of us has the energy to do it right now? But it’s nice to know that there’s potential there…that maybe we don’t necessarily have to be strangers to one another.

Anyways, I hope that you’re doing well. Can we try to Skype when I get back tomorrow, so we can actually say our “I love you”s??

Love (just in case that wasn’t clear),  
Alex

\---

April 22, 2012, 9:19pm

Dear Alex,

I hope you got back safely. I know you’ve made the drive before, but it’s a mother’s job to worry. I don’t hear from you too often with all of your coursework, and even though I understand, it is nice to get the little reminders that you’re alive and doing well.

I wanted to thank you for trusting me with your news. I am so very happy for you—for the happiness you’ve found with Maggie and the sense of peace you’ve seemed to find with yourself. Thank you for telling me. I know Maggie is in Italy still and you don’t know where she’ll be next year, but I hope that if she ever makes it out to California, I’ll be able to meet the woman who has made my daughter as happy as you seem.

I know that things between us have not been what they once were. After your father and Kara and all those big life changes, I know I put a lot on you. I expected a lot of you because I needed someone else. Maybe now with Maggie, with someone you love and care about so much more than the one or two boys you mentioned in high school and college, maybe you’ll start to see what it’s like to grow with a partner instead of beside them. There are things you learn to rely on them for, and soon it starts to feel like some things are possible together but could barely be imagined alone.

You know I love your sister, and having Kara in our lives has brought us so much, but your father and I made that decision together, assuming we would be able to help this child who had lost her whole world together. You already know what happened, and I suspect that the distance we both have from it now doesn’t make it easier for you any more than it does for me. But I turned to you when I lost the person I had to help make things seem doable. I relied on you more than a teenager deserved. And, over the years, I’ve come to wonder if perhaps that’s when things truly began to fall apart between us. I assumed it was the loss, but maybe it was the addition.

I don’t say these things to dredge up bad memories, but I like to hope that your telling me and being open and honest might be a turning point. I want to be there for you, Alex. I want to be your mom and help you to grow and hold you when you have the first big fight with Maggie (because they happen in relationships, and they’re painful, but you learn to get through it and come out stronger on the other side). I want to be someone you’re comfortable talking to instead of someone who causes you anxiety. I won’t try to start calling you now, assuming that things are automatically different, but if you have the time (and don’t worry, I remember how stressful and time-consuming writing my own dissertation was), I’d really love it if we could talk more often.

Have a good week of classes and labs. Make sure you’re eating well and sleeping enough. And pass on my best regards to Maggie.

Love,  
Mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	82. Chapter 82

April 22, 2012, 10:03am

Dear Alex,

I’m so, so happy for you! I mean, okay, yes, maybe it’s anticlimactic, but that can be a good thing. Remember how you were asking if it ever got easier? That feeling—like, oh, it really wasn’t a big deal to the other person, and nothing much changed—that’s kind of proof of its being easier. I don’t know if you were hoping for more, but it sounds like it went pretty well. You talked. She didn’t ask a hundred vaguely insensitive questions or anything. There’s the potential for things to get better moving forward. That all sounds…well, it sounds pretty great.

And also: damn, Danvers. Way to out-gay me! But also, I love you too. It wasn’t that I didn’t mean it last time, but I worried that I was maybe moving too fast? Like I might be saying something early for you. Because I just, well, I started falling for you well before we started dating—well before you realized you were gay. And so for me, it’s been a long time coming. But for you…you might not have ever started to think about me in that kind of way until after you came out and started thinking about me in a new light. And even though it’s still been a little while since then, I wouldn’t want to make assumptions. This relationship is new for both of us, but sometimes it feels like the whole experience of it is newer for you. Which isn’t to say this is simply a repetition of something I’ve already done before! It’s not—not at all. This idea of falling deeply into something and letting myself trust you and admitting these things to you that I haven’t ever really told other people—that’s all really, really new for me too. And it’s exciting and exhilarating and absolutely fucking terrifying. But I also can’t deny that with you…with you it feels inevitable somehow. So yes, to confirm, you can go ahead and put our mutual “I love you” into that calendar or *gasp* we could also have a shared event. I’ll make it a google calendar invitation and share it with you. It’s like the international, long-distance start to the good old-fashioned lesbian U-Haul. GET EXCITED!

Anyway, yes, I am around to Skype tonight. Or…I guess it’ll be tomorrow morning for me. I’ll get up early but if you could wait until, say, 6:30 my time to call, that’d be great. Can’t wait to see your face!

Love,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to give a shout out to SapphicScholar who's been putting in a ton of extra work with this fic since the Italy trip - writing everything that comes from the extra characters like Kate and Kara and Eliza (and even writing for Alex in the text messages she put together). Obviously I'm biased, but I think she's been doing a great job, and she's got so many more ideas up her sleeve for extra stories in this universe still to come!
> 
> I know I haven't been around as much to respond to your comments lately between exams and wrapping up projects and getting ready to move, but know that I see them and really appreciate them! Getting to work on this fic with SapphicScholar and getting to know all of you a little bit through it has been a really wonderful experience, and I'm so grateful to have had the chance to do it


	83. Chapter 83

April 27, 2012, 4:31pm

Hey Alex,

I know last night I said I wanted to Skype again tonight, but can we postpone? I’m just…not feeling up to it.

I didn’t get in. To the Chicago Police Academy. I found out a couple days ago actually. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you then. No, I do. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me or, I don’t know, realize that I’m not so great as you thought I was. But you deserve to know. Anyway. Hopes aren’t super high for the others. We’ll see, I guess. I think I’m gonna go for a long walk—try to clear my head.

Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> If you'll note, we just made this part 1 of a series (6,500 Miles Away Universe) so that when we post a few of the side stories, they'll be connected but not within this fic itself. If you're interested in any of them, feel free to subscribe, though we'll also try to post links down here in the author's notes while this fic is still going on at least. First up will be something E-rated, but some of the other parts of the series will also be G (but separated for reasons of time)


	84. Chapter 84

April 27, 2012, 11:03am

Hi Maggie,

That's ridiculous! I can't believe that! They've made such a huge mistake. I know how hard you worked. You're so smart, you're, like, so fit, AND you actually know about and care for the alien communities you'd be working with. Don't worry. You'll get in somewhere else. I know it. Are you sure you don't want to Skype? I just want to see you and idk fix it. I totally understand how shitty this feels and we can like talk, sip wine, and bitch together.

Let me know!

Love,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> I'll be headed out for a long weekend, so the timing on posts might vary a bit day-to-day (tomorrow's will probably be really early before I leave, but then Bears tends to post a little later in the day if I'm not around this weekend). Also, there's a new nsfw chapter of the 2020 fic up for those following it if you needed a bit of sanvers smut this morning


	85. Chapter 85

 

 

April 27, 2012, 11:54pm

Alex…

Look I get that youre trying to help and shit but just…you’re not ok? It’s cute or whatever that youre so convinced that I’m getting into these places and shit bt we’re not all you. We don’t all get to be doubkke doctors from fucking Stanford. Being smnart and fit and caring doenst mean shit wen you don’t know the right ppl/

I still love you but stopl.l k. Maggie

 

\--- 

April 28, 2012, 10:03am

I feel like death. This is what death feels like. I am too old for this. I am also sorry. I…you were trying to help. And I know you were. It’s just…that’s not…if we were together in person this would’ve been easier. But you just kept going, and it’s not the way—it just made me feel worse. Because, yeah, maybe I should have gotten in. Maybe. But I didn’t. And knowing that…it doesn’t make me feel better, Alex. And knowing that I can’t get into a fucking cop academy when you’re off in extra fancy grad school getting an MD and a PhD at the same time…it really doesn’t feel like you can actually relate. And I know you said you’ve struggled with coursework and not getting results in your lab and stuff, but still. You’re at Stanford, Alex. You’re at Stanford, and you’re brilliant, and you’re going to be wildly successful, and more and more it’s feeling like I’m just sitting here proving Emily right—that this was the wrong track. That I should have gone to law school and done something that will look good on paper and impress the right people and make me good enough for people like you. I don’t know. But still. You don’t know those things. You couldn’t…I shouldn’t have expected you to know. I’m sorry for last night. I should have waited until this morning to reply to you. Just give me another day or two to start feeling like myself, okay?

Love,

Maggie

 

\---

April 28, 2012, 11:17am

Alex… I just finally stumbled outside and found a big ass care package sitting on my doorstep. There are chocolates (that are a little melty from the sun but still delicious – I checked) and pastries and a brand new bottle of the wine I got us to share from Paris. And a note signed “the better Befana.” How…how in the world did you manage this? I really, really don’t deserve you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright we’ve gotten errors the last 5 times we’ve tried to post...hopefully you get this one cause now I’m gone for the weekend.


	86. Chapter 86

April 28, 2012, 9:58 am

 Dear Maggie,

Please don't beat yourself up about it. I appreciate the apology, but I...my memory isn’t so short that I’ve forgotten how awful I was to you when I was inching my way out of the closest. It’s hard to be vulnerable, and it’s really easy to lash out when things that you thought you knew about yourself are coming under fire. I was trying to help...but I wasn't supporting you in the way you needed.

I’ve always been the person whose first instinct is to fix things that are broken. It's not an approach that works for all people or all situations. But for Kara, who’s been the most important person in my life for ages, it *is* what worked, and it was what she wanted, so I forgot about people like my old best friend from high school who used to get so angry when I’d offer solutions instead of just listening and commiserating and reminding her that she deserved better. I just...I always assumed that when people talked about something that was wrong it was my job to find a solution, but it’s not what everyone wants. Thank you for telling me that you needed something different. It didn't feel particularly good to get that first email, but I get it. I want to learn how to be the girlfriend you need. I want to support you because you deserve someone standing in your corner. It's tough, you know, not being able to see you or hold you, so I'm happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell me that what I was doing wasn't working for you. I want to be better because I want this—what we have together—to be a thing that works going forward. 

It’s hard to admit because there are things in my life that I don’t—I can’t—I just don’t talk about, you know. There are portions of time where nothing has gone right, and I’ve felt like a failure. There are things I don’t get to talk about, but shit I carry around. And I think I...bristled at the idea that I couldn’t possibly relate because of them, even though it wasn’t like you’d have any reason to know. But in the sense you’re talking about in your emails, you're right. I don't know what some of these things feel like. My parents were scientists (Mom still is), and that made things...easier? Sure I've worked my ass off in school my whole life, and I’ve had to "make my own way" or whatever to get into this particular program, but I always knew I could, say, intern in so-and-so's lab because if my parents didn't know them they probably knew someone who did. It made things...not easy, but definitely easier. And I don’t...I wasn’t thinking about earlier in life. My life changed in high school, but I never had to worry about a lot of the things you did, and that—I imagine that makes a difference.

I do think I have some insight into doubting that you're on the right path because of someone else's expectations. I'm not going to lie, Maggie, you're taking a risk with this. But you'd be taking a risk pursuing a law degree, too. You'd be risking unhappiness and a sizable amount of debt for something someone else is telling you to want. And the two programs at the top of your list—DC and National City—they’re the ones I heard you speak about with so much passion. They’re the ones that are recognizing aliens as an important population that requires unique understanding. And you understand that and care about that, and it’s all so important, Maggie. It means a lot. And the part of me that wants to fix things wants to tell you that the no from Chicago is a sign that you were onto the right path with those other two cities because that’s where you’re gonna make the biggest impact and help the most people going forward. But I don’t know if that’s what you want to hear.

I don't know. I think we convince ourselves that if we don't have everything we want right now, we're absolutely never going to have it? And that's not true. Life is long, and we're still young. For every fresh-out-of-undergrad 22-year old in a masters or PhD program there's an older student who is taking classes to further their career or start a new one entirely. And those things can be good—not just a mediocre whatever thing, but an actual good. I don’t know. It matters to know something other than the one thing you’re doing because it helps you know that you didn’t just choose something because it sounded right or like the thing you should want. If we went by that logic, you might be miserable in law school, and I definitely wouldn’t have a girlfriend I was head over heels for. 

In the interest of saving us from more miscommunications, can we Skype? It’s not as good as face-to-face, but I think it might help to at least see yours? And I want you to see how sincere I am when I tell you that you, Maggie Sawyer, are going to make a difference no matter what, that you’re going to change lives and the whole fucking world because you don’t carry that much passion and care and raw strength around and just let it hide. You’re incredible and you deserve to be told that every day for as long as you’ll let me say it—for as long as it takes until you believe it. 

Love,

Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only kind of advice I can give: Relationships are hard. Figuring out what to do with your life is hard. Be nice to yourselves and others as you figure things out. You have time. 
> 
> Also shoutout to SapphicScholar for helping me with this chapter


	87. Chapter 87

April 29, 2012, 12:06pm

Dear Alex, 

Thanks again for the long Skype call last night. I’m sorry for crying as much as I did...that was mildly humiliating and definitely not something I’ve ever really done in front of someone else. So, uh, yeah, thanks for not laughing. And if we could never bring it up again, that’d be cool too. Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst cramps (at least now I have an excuse for half that crying, right?), and I’ve barely slept, and I’m totally out of groceries because I was supposed to go out yesterday or Friday but those days sort of went to shit as far as productivity, and I just want hot tea and a heating pad, and honestly I’d love to be cuddling with you, and maybe there’ll be a day in the future where that’s a reality. But for now I’m just gonna to reread your letters and take Advil and hope I can doze on and off or something. Maybe I’ll watch Pride and Prejudice and hope I dream of you.

Anyway I don’t know I just love you and I miss you a lot right now and wish you were here or I was there and we could be curled up together and stuff. But now I sound whiny and needy so I’m gonna go.

Love,  
Maggie

P.S. This was all supposed to be about seeing if we could push Skype from today to tomorrow because I think I might be miserable company...even more so than the past few days. But yeah let me know.

\---

April 29, 2012, 7:01pm

Alex...

I found a very peppy special someone outside my door a few minutes ago clutching bag with a heating pad, mint tea, and enough chocolate to feed an army. I’m gonna let her take over because I think she wants to give you her explanation before I hit send.

Before I go though:  
1\. I promise I’m not going to tell anyone, so please don’t worry. I understand why some of these things aren’t secrets you can just have out in the open, and I think maybe I have a little more insight into those times you talked about feeling like you were failing or being asked to do so much more and not keeping up, even if you couldn’t speak about them. Carrying around something like that takes a lot of energy and work (physical and emotional), and I want you to know that I see it and appreciate all that you’ve surely done over the years without any recognition. You’re amazing, Alex. You’re one of the good ones, and there aren’t too many of them.  
2\. You’re both incredibly sweet and totally didn’t have to do this but I can finally breathe in deeply with the heat so I’m not gonna complain

Love you,  
Maggie

 

Um...hi Alex!

It’s a long story... Ok not really. It’s just, I’ve never gotten to see Maggie, you know? And I thought she’d be pretty happy about the care package, so I just wanted to see her reaction but then one of her neighbors saw me, and I got startled and made a noise and then Maggie saw me. Guess you had shown her my picture, huh? Cause she did not buy the “new neighbor” line. Anyway she’s even prettier in person than she was in the pictures on her Facebook! Also did you hear, she got into the DC police academy today! Isn’t that so great? You should be so proud!

Please don’t be mad, okay? I’m gonna hang out and chat with Maggie for a few minutes before I head back.

Love,  
Kara

\---

April 29, 2012, 7:38pm

Hey Alex,

Kara mentioned that she told you about the DC news. I wasn’t keeping it from you, I promise. I only found out an hour or two before Kara got here, and I had kind of wanted to tell you over Skype. But I’m not mad at Kara or anything. She didn’t know. We’re having a nice conversation now about alien rights and experiences, and it’s reminding me of all the reasons why the National City and DC academies were so attractive to me in the first place. Guess what I’m saying is maybe you were right about that first rejection being a sign.

Skype tomorrow?

Love,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments on the last couple of chapters. They hit close to home for things the two of us have had to navigate and learn over the past 5 years together, and these have been some of the few chapters where we actually co-wrote them (instead of the usual split bt characters) through long chats and conversations together. All of which is to say we are very happy to hear it’s felt real to you!


	88. Chapter 88

April 29, 2012, 12:39 pm

Hi Maggie,

First of all, congratulations!! That’s amazing! I’m so glad that all the hard work you’ve done is paying off. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the DC program would be a great fit. A selfish part of me is still holding out hope for National City, but I’m proud of you regardless. That’s really awesome, Mags. Honestly. (Plus, DC is still a shorter flight than Italy!)

Second of all, I’m…well, at the end of the day, I’m happy that you got to meet Kara—the real Kara. I wish I was just being paranoid, but this isn’t something we should discuss over email. It's…you are basically the only person outside of immediate family that knows. You should understand how dangerous it is—and not just for her (I know you get the dangerous realities for her out there—after all, it's what you want to do, right?), but it puts you at risk too. And I won’t see another person I love hurt because of it. So just…we’ll talk, but I need you to understand that secrecy here isn’t just a matter of consideration; it’s about safety and security.

I trust you. You’re dedicated to civil rights and care about the community. So please know that when I say this I’m saying it as Kara’s older sister and not as your girlfriend, but I will protect her at any costs.

I will want to talk about this a bit more during our Skype date tomorrow, but really I want to use the time to celebrate with you. This is a huge accomplishment. Also, I hope you’re feeling better! I know Kara probably gave you enough chocolate to last for days, but sometimes even chocolate isn't enough.

See you tomorrow! And congratulations again!

Love,  
Alex

\---

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/42103888151/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotta play straight for the first 3-4 days of this week (fun times, totally feel like Shane when she met Carmen's family), so I'll get the chapters posted early in the day, but may not get back to comments as promptly as I'd like to. Know that we love them though! 
> 
> And I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	89. Chapter 89

April 30, 2012, 7:56am

Hi Alex,

Quick note to confirm that yes, we’re still on for Skype tonight. (And also, yes, I understand the importance. I don’t know if I understand the full extent, but I trust you to tell me if and when you’re ready.) Sorry I didn’t write back last night. I crashed hard pretty much as soon as Kara left after not sleeping at all the night before. I am indeed feeling better—tea and heat are miracle workers, and chocolate isn’t a bad second.

Thank you! I got into Opal City overnight as well (or…I guess it was just COB for them…time differences, man. They’ll get ya!), but that was never my top choice even if it was a cool program. So now it’s a matter of waiting to see if National City ever gets back to me. And, if it helps you to feel less selfish, National City is where I’m leaning too—not just for you (though I won’t lie and say you play no part in it), but also because I’m interested in the more on the ground, community-level work that program seems invested in, as opposed to the policy-making that DC seems to excel at. Obviously both are important, but I think after some of the conversation from yesterday, I’m realizing more and more how passionate I am about the former. But we’ll see, I guess! They said they'd send out decisions in late April or early May, so it should be any day now…

Love,  
Maggie

\---

May 3, 2012, 7:02pm

Much like yesterday, still no word from National City. I hate the anticipation. It is so much more stressful than the answer itself. Blerg. I feel like I’m tense all the time, and I think my students are starting to notice.

\---

May 4, 2012, 6:16pm

Did you know that I have barely a month left in Italy? Time is both inching and flying by. Still no word from National City, which is…not great. Do you think that means they don’t want me? Or maybe they’re running behind. Or maybe I’m an alternate and they’re waiting to see if someone else says no before they reject me. I’m really going to need to find an apartment… I know we’re talking tomorrow, but for some reason it seemed important to email you and fill you in now.

Love,  
Maggie

\---

May 5, 2012, 11:11pm

If you meant what you said about the stress relief (and no pressure if you change your mind!), you’ve got my number… I’ll be sure to be on wifi all evening tomorrow so neither of us get hit with crazy high charges or anything. And if you end up wanting to just talk over text or try to stream a movie together over Skype instead, that’s totally fine too! Either way! Your call.

Love,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last chapter is indeed setting us up for a part 2 of this series....new E-rated chapter to go up late tonight, so you too get to enjoy a bit of antic...............pation


	90. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (For those of who didn't see or didn't want to read last night's update to the series, this chapter somewhat obliquely refers to the contents of the smutty part 2 - you don't *need* to have read it, and this one will stay g-rated, but that's what's going on when Alex talks about their weekend texting)

May 7, 2012, 10:24 am

Hi Maggie,

This is just a note to let you know that our texting this weekend has had serious repercussions for me. I stumbled upon some of the lab techs gossiping about how much I’m smiling. On a Monday morning! They weren’t even being quiet about it! Admittedly, one of them did jump out of his chair when I cleared my throat to alert them to the fact that I was still in full possession of my hearing, so it seems they have at least kept a healthy sense of fear and self-preservation around me. But still! The indignity!

Seriously though, I had a lot of fun. I know we talked about this, but I’ve gone through so much of my life assuming that I wasn’t...built for intimacy, but with you I want. I want so much. And things with you don’t leave me feeling...empty or alone. I feel close to you, Maggie. I mean, okay, I also miss you a lot. But the closeness is there too.

You’re amazing, Maggie. And I know this is such a nerve-wracking time in your life and you’re still figuring out where you’re going to be, but I’m so excited to see where next year takes you. No matter where you end up, I know that everything you bring to the table—your compassion, your curiosity, your badass-ness, your commitment to justice—all of it will lead you to do great things. Plus, you’re going to look great in a police uniform. That’s just a scientific fact. Trust your almost-double doctor girlfriend.

Reading over this message, you have turned me into such a sap. So, yeah, we should definitely do it again soon. You know...for the sake of the poor lab techs.

Love you,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> For those of you following 2020, a new chapter is going up this afternoon as soon as I have time away from my charge haha


	91. Chapter 91

May 9, 2012, 8:55pm

ALEX!!!!! I GOT INTO NATIONAL CITY!!!

(I feel a little like Kara with the excessive exclamation points, but I’m super happy…in case you couldn’t tell.)

I know National City isn’t *that* close to Stanford, but it’s so much closer than anything else! It’s like…an hour-long plane ride, and that’s so doable! Or less than a workday-long drive! Also, the guy in charge wrote me a really sweet note about my cover letter, and I really, really think this is a place where I’m going to do well and where they value (or are at least learning to value) the kinds of things that matter to me. Anyway, okay, um, I know you’re in class, but maybe a quick Skype tonight for you/tomorrow morning for me? A few of my friends from school who were there when I found out want to take me out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate, but we could chat in the morning, then do a long Skype session this weekend?

Love,  
Maggie

\---

May 9, 2012, 12:01pm

MAGGIE THAT'S AMAZING!!! Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you, babe! You deserve this!!!  
Yes yes let's definitely skype tonight! And maybe we do a longer call this weekend when we have time to really celebrate?

Running to meeting now but I'll see you tonight!

Love,  
Alex

\---

May 10, 2012, 11:26pm

Heyyy Alex,

I miss you, di dyou know that? Dinner was fun and all but we got some of that millefoglie cake andall I could think about was the last time I had that cake when we brought it back to our room and didn’t actually make it to the cake for hours. God I miss you so much. Not just the sex! I promise! But I tell you how much I miss you in normal people words a lot, you know, like every email. But right now I really miss the other things we do together. You learned so fast. Impressive really. Shoulda known you would have. But still. And right now I miss it. Miss you. Your…all of it. You around? I really want to see your face.

Your Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar


	92. Chapter 92

May 13, 2012, 8:21pm

Hi Mags,

So...I had fun on Skype yesterday. A part of me still can't believe that we did that, but yeah...it was great. Really great. I'm so so so very gay, Maggie. So. Gay. The only possible downside to our...chat...is that I've been walking around all day with *NSYNC's truly hilarious "Digital Get Down" stuck in my head. (Blame Kara for the song - they were not my musical group of choice.)

Also, congratulations again!!! I'm so incredibly proud of you. Now that you're absolutely sure you're choosing NCPD, I wanted to share a little bit of recent news. I actually got a pretty good job offer in National City. I didn't let you know when it first happened because well 1) I didn't know if I wanted the job at first; 2) I didn't want to add any pressure while you waited for your NC decision, especially not when you'd already talked about what a great program DC had and they'd already accepted you; and 3) I wanted you to be able to make this decision without feeling any sort of obligation. You've spent enough of your life trying to meet other people's expectations, and I didn't want to be another person that put something on you that forced you down one path over another. I'm glad you got a chance to choose your own path. And I'm even more happy to know that our paths are _finally_ colliding and we're going to be not just in the same state but in the same city. I, for one, am pretty ecstatic about that fact.

I'll be moving at some point this summer, and I think I've found a place--the guy who hired me put me in touch with the building owner. I know it's probably too soon to say anything about big life choices together (since, you know, we've been in each other's actual physical company for what? 5 days? And what if it turns out you hate the way I organize my cabinets or something, you know? I'd hate to lose you because I prefer my bowls on the left and plates on the right), but I could maybe send you some recommendations for buildings in the nearby blocks? I'm not too far from where the academy classes seem to meet. And I can only imagine how hard it must be to look for places to live from out of state, let alone out of country. Let me know! 

Love,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar if you ever want to chat 
> 
> There'll be a chapter 2 of part 2 coming (pun fully intended) either this weekend or early next week, so be on the lookout there if it's something that interests you! We'll try to remember to mention it here, but we've got some guests in town all weekend, so iffy on whether we'll remember/be posting from anywhere other than our phones


	93. Chapter 93

May 14, 2012, 12:26pm

Alex!! Congratulations! That’s amazing! I’m so, so, so proud of you! What’s the job? I mean, I guess it’s a lab (duh), but are you gonna get to keep working on your research on alien health, or are you taking a little break to look at humans hah? And…I appreciate your waiting a bit to tell me. I mean, you should feel free to share at any point (because no matter what’s going on in my life I’m always going to want to celebrate the good things that happen to you, promise). But I also understand the reasoning. And…if it makes any sense at all…I’m happy that you also chose to accept the job on your own? Or at least it sounds like you took the time to figure out if it was a job you wanted before making the final call. I’d never want either one of us to look back and have regrets about a choice we made, and long distance might not be great, but I have faith in our ability to survive it again if we ever have to. But!!!! It sounds like we DID both make the right choice for our careers and for ourselves and for us as a couple too, and I’m super excited about that!

Congrats on already finding an apartment!! Yeah…much as I’m sure we’re gonna end up doing that lesbian thing of, like, keeping half a wardrobe at each other’s apartments and basically living together, it’s probably for the best we keep our own space at the beginning. I know I’ve got 5 months of the academy in my future with long days, and if I’m cranky or upset, it’ll be good to have room to get myself in order first. And then, you know, after moving so fast with Emily…I don’t know, I think it’s good to take some time. We’ll learn to date in person and find out what we’re like in all the quirky little ways you can't really know about until you’re in each other’s space constantly. But fear not, I too keep my bowls on the left side, so that’s a big fucking relief. Don’t know if I could have dated you otherwise…clearly. If you have some buildings in mind, though, that would be amazing! Looking from afar is really hard. Either the apartments are super expensive and way too “luxury condo” for my tastes (besides the whole incredibly out of my price range thing), or they’re cheap but kind of seem like they might be the size of a small closet or be in someone’s cellar or something. All of which is to say, yes, recommendations would be lovely.

Also…you didn’t want to go with the somewhat more recent “Kiss Me Thru the Phone,” Danvers? Anyway, you’re a dork, but I’m glad you continue to be so very gay because, you know, me too. And if you ever want to text or Skype again, you just let me know... I’m around.

Yours,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Twitter @sapphicscholar and Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites
> 
> Find you all later this afternoon with a smutty chapter 2 to part 2! Figure it's best to throw one up on the weekend after how many of you ended up trying to read chapter 1 at work. But we're not trying to compete with the Royal Wedding twice (I say as though I know whether or not it is still going on...)


	94. Chapter 94

May 16, 2012, 4:02pm

Hi Maggie,

Thanks!! I’m really excited that we’ll be in the same city and—fingers-crossed—in the same neighborhood. I’ve been daydreaming about us doing…idk silly little things. Like you teaching me to appreciate espresso while we’re doing crossword puzzles on a weekend morning. Or the two of us curling up on the couch together debating what to binge next on Netflix. Even the stupidly simple thought of us being able to hold hands while picking out cereal at the grocery store makes me smile like an idiot. I know we’re going to busy. You’re going to be in training, and part of the arrangement I had to make with the university means that I’ll be working on finishing my doctoral research project while working. Okay, so maybe busy is an understatement, but I believe in us.

Sometimes my mind drifts to a future where maybe we’re not just in the same neighborhood. But we have time for that, and I’m so excited for every step between now and that future. I’m excited for every first, every second, and every iteration of everything that we might have together. I’m also excited to, like, date you (provided, of course, I meet any other requirements regarding the placement of my plates and other utensils).

I’m excited about the job, too. It’s with a subdivision of the FBI with a pretty intensive research and development department in addition to a rather robust medical team that deals with everything from trauma medicine to virology. From what I can tell from the interview process, they were primarily interested in me as a candidate because of my research background, but they place a big emphasis on developing interdisciplinary teams and producing scientists and doctors who can tackle a wide-range of problems, so I wouldn’t have to worry about getting pigeon-holed. In fact, they basically encourage you to explore new challenges every week. Plus my supervisor has told me that he is really interested in being a mentor as well as a boss, so I think this could be the type of place where I could really grow and develop my skills. They do have a physical fitness requirement for _all_ their agents, which means my own five months of intensive training, so that’s going to be a bit of a bummer… At least we’ll both be super hot and fit by the end, right? I need to find a silver lining here somewhere!

On to the practical concerns! I’m sending you a spreadsheet of a few of the properties that either I checked out or were recommended to me. I’m not sure if they’re to your taste, but hopefully it will be a good starting point? Let me know if you need any help getting in contact with any of the landlords. I imagine the time difference might make it difficult to catch them during business hours. Obviously, it’s totally fine if you end up living in another part of the city. Like you said, after being an ocean plus most of the North American continent away from each other, I think we can handle a bit of a commute haha. Plus, then I’d get to see more of you on your motorcycle, and I won’t complain about that.

Love you lots,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> The new smutty chapter went up last night in part 2 if it's something you're interested in but didn't see


	95. Chapter 95

May 18, 2012, 8:00am

Morning Alex (unless you’re still up…in which case good night, my dear),

Have I ever told you that I love you? Cause that spreadsheet…oh my god. So much information in such an aesthetically pleasing chart. You made it so much better than what I expect of Excel (aka gross black and white blocks with text running out of them on every side)! But okay, yeah, narrowed it down to three buildings that I like and are within my price range. I sent emails to the property managers last night, but if they give me a hard time about being in Italy, I may take you up on that offer to help a bit with phone calls. And I’ll owe you so much when we get back – promise to make it up to you!!

Did you know how soon we’ll be in the same state? It’s 3 weeks, Alex! 3 weeks!! When are you looking to move down to National City? I know you still have labs going, so do you have to wait for them to wrap up? Or did you time it so they’d be ending around the end of the year? Or is it stuff you could ship down to your new lab? Or does the FBI let external experiments inside their buildings…probably not, right? That’d be sort of stupid.

Also, first, congrats on the job! And a fancy three-letter agency, no less. But do you realize that you’ve put me in the awkward position of being a local cop dating a  _fed_? By choice! Sighhhh I’ll never hear the end of it. At least you’re super hot, so maybe the other cops won’t give me too much shit. And I guess you’ll pretty much be in the labs all day, even if you’re on interdisciplinary teams. Not like the other agents prowling around crime scenes and trying to steal cases and claim jurisdiction they clearly don’t have. So maybe I won’t have to hate ya ;) But damn, physical training sounds intense! I’m really glad to hear you’ll be getting something that’s more than pure lab science, since I know a few months back you’d been wondering if that was a route you really wanted to take. And I’m so happy that your boss really wants to be a mentor! That’s such an important part of finding success and happiness in a job, so it’s wonderful that he’s already stepping up to the plate. Is he also a scientist? Will you be working in a lab with him? Or is he more of a bureaucrat?

Aww those are such sweet daydreams, and I love them. I can’t wait to just inhabit the same space as you. Like, even if it’s the two of us collapsing on the couch with takeout after a long day of intensive physical training, I’m so excited. Because you’ll be there. And I’ll be there. And we’ll be together. I’ve not had access to pretty much any American television for a year, so trust me, I’m beyond game for this Netflix binging with you! And I bet that’ll be a welcome change of pace at night during those first five months for both of us. And yeah…busy does sound like an understatement, but I trust you to kick ass and take names. And you’ll have me this time around to, I don’t know, help with little stuff like making sure you get food on the worst days or provide some stress relief that I promise is even better than a glass of the best scotch on nights when your experiments or thesis writing don’t seem to be going well. But I believe in you. And I believe in us too. We’re pretty amazing.

Love,  
Maggie

P.S. Don’t worry, I think about all those future firsts with you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar
> 
> If you need more Sanvers meet-cute fluff to make your Monday better, the latest chapter of Stronger Together features a bartender!Maggie/band singer!Alex AU feat. that gay af new haircut and Maggie taking a well-deserved turn as a useless lesbian


	96. Chapter 96

May 21, 2012, 8:41pm

Alex!!! I got confirmation from the property manager that the unit (my number one choice!) is still available! And he sent more pictures, and it looks even better, and I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high, but this is the one we talked about over Skype this weekend, and it’s only a three blocks from your apartment (not that I’ve mapped it out or anything…totally not…that could be weird…). Okay, I’m gonna go now to get my stuff together for the application, so that I can be more relaxed for Skype tomorrow night.

Love you!  
Maggie

\---

May 24, 2012, 9:07pm

HOLY SHIT ALEX!!! I GOT THE APARTMENT! I HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE! Okay. Yes. Excited outburst over. But this is such a huge fucking relief. It was really stressing me out, and now it’s like…I can just relax and enjoy my final bit of time here and be ready to leave. Did you know I fly out on the 5th? Of course you do, because all my flight info is in the calendar I share with you. But still. Do you know how soon that is?? It’s crazy. I’m both so excited and so unprepared. I have to pack! And buy souvenirs! And say goodbye to everyone! There’s so much to do!!

Maggie

\---

May 24, 2012, 2:21pm

WOOH!!! That’s amazing, Maggie!! I’m starting a countdown now! I’m so excited!

Also, it’s so good to hear that something is going right for one of us. My move-in date is June 1 and I have so so so much stuff to wrap up at the lab, and then I have to pack everything. I am more than a little stressed. Please send me more pictures of cute street cats if you get the chance haha. I’ll send you more pictures of sand cats and other Kara-approved cute animals. Furry ones! (I swear jumping spiders are cute, though. Broaden your worldview, Sawyer.)

Love,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playing the fun game of how much of Alex's letter is Bears' reality right now?
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar (and uhhh soon enough Bears will be on Twitter too - I know cause I used Paint to make her a little icon at work bc I'm an #adult)


	97. Chapter 97

May 25, 2012, 9:24pm

Hi Maggie,

Today was my last day at the lab and I absolutely did not expect to be this emotional. My advisor took me and a few of my friends from the lab out for lunch, and a few of the professors I’ve worked with throughout the years dropped by to wish me luck. It’s so weird to think that when I headed out the door this afternoon, it was probably for the last time. I’ve spent such a large chunk of my time at Stanford in this lab and with this team. It’s oddly hard to say goodbye to them.

I don’t know…as I was walking through campus, I couldn’t help but think about how stressful my experience here was—awesome at times for sure, but still stressful. I’m so glad I had you for at least a portion of it, Mags. I was in a pretty dark place before we started chatting, but talking to you—talking to someone who made me feel like it was okay to struggle—it made a real, tangible difference for me. I know I’m not done yet with Stanford. I still need to write what’s left of our science department version of the dissertation, but I feel like I have what it takes now, like I’m stronger and it’s something I’m capable of doing.

I’m on my way over to the Boys and Girls Club now to say goodbye to the kids. I’m sure you’ve heard, but a few of them are planning on staying in touch with their penpals! Seems like I’m not the only one who got something out of this project of ours.

Would you want to Skype this weekend? I’m probably going to be a bit MIA this week as I finalize packing and get my forwarding address, rental insurance, and all of those types of things set up. You can cheer me on while I throw things into boxes? It will be good to see you before Mom and Kara come into town next week to help me move stuff down to NC. Things have been better between my mom and me recently, but I’m still a little nervous about being in a car together for the whole ride. The forecast says it’s supposed to be hot, so I’m sure there will be at least one argument.

Today I’m sending you a photo of a fennec fox. Their massive ears not only help them hunt in the Sahara, but also help them regulate their body heat. If you want a weirder but equally cute (by my standards) mammal, check out tarsiers. They’re basically gremlins!

Love,   
Alex

\---

May 28, 2012, 8:09am

Hi Alex,

It was so nice getting to talk to you over the weekend, even if you were stressed and busy. Also…that new haircut??? Holy shit, Danvers! Warn a woman when you’re gonna be rocking some sexy new look! I know, I know, you said it was for the field training, but I have to say…it looks good. Not that I didn’t love your long hair, but this is really nice too. I like that I’ll have easy access to your neck ;) 

Anyway, don’t worry about being a little unavailable this week. It’s our last week all together for Fulbright, so we’ve got dinners and local day trip things and that kind of stuff, so I’ll be able to keep myself occupied. Plus, I’m trying to eat as much as I can here before I leave, though I also come bearing some delicious recipes from lots of the local women who are insistent that I need a bit more meat on my bones. Should make for some fun early dates if you’re up for it! 

Hope things go well with your mom and Kara! I know you’ve been talking to your mom more, so hopefully that keeps things going a bit more smoothly, you know? But also, moving is always stressful, so try not to take it too hard if you still bicker. And if you don’t have time to talk one night, just shoot me an email or text or something—I’ll understand! Hell, I may end up doing the same to you next week when I’m the one packing everything!

Love,  
Maggie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar. As of last night, Bears is also on Twitter @BearsCastles, though she's also pretty wrapped up in packing these days


	98. Chapter 98

June 1, 2012, 6:13pm

Dear Alex,

I hope the move goes well today! I’m so happy for you—getting into a new place and getting a new start in a job that sounds like a great fit for you! I’m really proud of how far you’ve come since the beginning of the year when you weren’t totally sure what path you wanted to be taking career-wise. Now look at you. My big bad almost-double-doctor-federal-agent Danvers. I gotta catch up!

Can you believe that I’ll be flying out of here in 4 days and getting to California in 5? That’s crazy. I don’t quite believe it yet. I’m also not quite willing to dwell on it because I’m not a huge fan of flying… I adore traveling, but it would be so much better if I could simply _be_ there without all the stress of _getting_ there. 

Also, wrapping things up really is more emotional than one would expect. I know I’ve only been here a year—and not even a full 12 months—but it’s been hard saying goodbye to everyone. The last day with my students was bittersweet. They all gave me cards, and I may or may not have cried a little bit reading them. I still don’t want to be a teacher long-term, but it was a really nice experience to have for this year.

But I’m trying not to dwell in the negative. I’m more excited about new beginnings! We’re going to both be in a new city together for the first time. We’ll both be going through training and starting new jobs in the careers we’re excited about having for the foreseeable future. I can’t wait to see everything you do and accomplish. Knowing you, it’s going to be brilliant. And, I don’t know, I’m getting excited about my own program too. I’m excited to try to work in systems I want to change and learn new things and get to try something that makes me nervous. And I’m excited to be doing all of it with you at my side too, Alex. I really, really can’t wait to see what life brings us. 

Love,  
Maggie

\---

June 2, 2012, 5:12pm

Hi Maggie, 

Amazingly, we managed to survive the journey to NC! We got in a bit late, so once we got everything in the door (Kara insisted on doing most of the heavy lifting while Mom and I kept a lookout for neighbors), we crashed and ate take-out on the floor surrounded by boxes, and Kara bogarted pretty much all of the potstickers. I won’t have wifi until the technician comes over in a day or two, so we couldn’t hide behind our phones or anything (at least not without paying for data – thank god for free Starbucks wifi all day today!). It was actually nice. It felt…not like old times because, well, you know, but like we were a family again. They’re both sticking around this weekend to help me get settled.

Oh that reminds me, they got you a housewarming present for when you arrive…IN FOUR DAYS!! I'm so excited. I have a list of restaurants and coffee shops we can check out. Also you know how certain cities have different food rivalries? Like in New York they compete for best pizza, Philly has rival cheesesteak stands, and DC has cupcakes? Well apparently in NC, the weird hipster dessert trend is designer donuts, which…I don’t want to say it’s the only reason Kara is so set on being in National City, but I’m also not convinced that it’s _not_. I sort of don’t understand why regular old donuts weren’t enough, though Kara insists I’ll be a convert once I try some of the “big names” in the “boutique donut industry.” I am skeptical but intrigued.

Saying goodbye must have been hard. You had some really sweet kids in that class, and from the snippets I heard about you from my kids’ penpal letters, they really loved having you as their teacher. Also, even the tiniest stretch of Italy that I saw when I was with you has me convinced that if I stayed for longer than a few months, I would never be able to live anywhere else. As exciting as it is to start new things, it’s sad letting go. 

The wifi is supposedly going to be set up on Monday morning, so would you want to Skype on Monday night (your time…I should be ready to go by, like, noon my time, since they say they’ll have people out by 9)? I can show you the new place!

Love,  
Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar. Bears is also on Twitter @BearsCastles and is slowly but surely learning how to use it


	99. Chapter 99

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't let the word count fool ya, we've got visuals in here!

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518950444/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518950294/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518950114/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518949954/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518949814/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41518949764/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/141303298@N07/41339369995/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr @sapphicscholarwrites and Twitter @sapphicscholar. Bears is on Twitter @BearsCastles
> 
> One more chapter!!! We'll see ya tomorrow for it! And for those of you interested in more content, the latest chapter in Stronger Together is a tropey af Sanvers meet cute feat. some forced bed-sharing and light enemies to lovers vibes


	100. Chapter 100

October 6, 2017

Dear Alex,

Wow. I can’t believe we’re getting married this weekend. Six whole years (almost to the day) since you sent me that stilted first email asking if our kids could be pen-pals… Who would have thought it would get us here? I know I was the one who proposed this whole “let’s write each other letters to open on the morning of our wedding day!” thing, but as it turns out this is incredibly stressful. I feel like I need to say exactly the right thing to prove to you how much this moment means to me, even though I know we both know it already. We wouldn’t be getting married if we didn’t. But I’m going to try, okay? So bear with me.

The first time I thought that you were someone I could get along with was when you cared enough to find a good partner for Alessandro. You weren’t a teacher or anything, and you were still pretty new to volunteering with the Boys and Girls Club, so you really didn’t have to know much about the kids, but you took the time to help me find the best matches for my own students simply because I asked if you would. You cared because I cared.

And then it was pretty much confirmed for me that we could be friends when you told me about not necessarily being able to trust people right away. It was something I could relate to as well, and it was nice to see it in the context of a longer letter where you were starting to open up to me because it seemed like I might have crossed the threshold into trustworthy territory (or be getting there). And I hadn’t, well, at that time, I didn’t really feel like someone deserving of trust, but over time you made me believe that I was.

That same letter (and yes, of course I still have them all) was also when I had my first moment of, “Oh, I might kind of have a crush on this girl.” You included that photo of yourself with your motorcycle in a white v-neck streaked with grease, and I was kind of a goner. Of course, you were also avoiding any response to all the hints I had been dropping about being a lesbian, so I wasn’t totally sure about you. You could have been straight or simply cautious. (Obviously we got to those questions later, but at that point I couldn’t tell.) But it didn’t matter because I could already feel myself falling for you, even if I thought it might be doomed from the start.

But it was more than just attraction. You made me feel comfortable enough to open up to you—like it was safe. Not that you didn’t have opinions or probably judgment about some of it, but you weren’t projecting it onto me or trying to call me a terrible person, even though we could both admit I’d made mistakes in the past. And you made me feel like maybe I deserved to be happy at a time in my life when I really, really didn’t feel like it. I know I don’t talk much about my feelings—and I’m trying to work on that—but things weren’t great when I left for Italy. I’d gotten out of such a long relationship that had come to structure and define my life for so many important years, and I felt…adrift. I’d been so certain about the way I wanted my life to go, but then I’d had others question it, and suddenly I was jetting off to a new country with nothing to tie me to the old one—no partner or apartment to return to, no real extended family to consider, no sense of home.

Then you were there. And you could be awkward and charming all at once. And sometimes I couldn’t read you at all. But time and again, even when you left me hanging for weeks, you were there. You were the one person I had who didn’t simply leave. And yeah, part of it was because we took turns fighting for each other and making sure things didn’t fall through. But I think there was something more there too—I think maybe deep down we both knew we were fighting for something profoundly important, something that would change our lives for the better.

I know we’ve had a rocky journey getting to where we are today—not just while we were doing long distance, but while we were settling in to our new life together too. There were the dumb fights about things that should never have mattered that much (I’ll take, “The load of laundry that dirty sports bras go in,” for $200, Alex) and the more important fights that made us reconsider who we were as individuals and who we might become as a couple. There were the weeks you spent so rattled after Kara saved your plane. You pushed me and everyone away, and unlike in Italy when it was about you—about something I could see and understand in the most full way possible—I didn’t know everything that time. I couldn’t understand all the experiences you had gone through that led to that kind of deeply ingrained fear. And so when you pushed, I pushed back, and we nearly pushed each other away. And I know I did the same to you when I found out you were DEO, some shadowy black ops site I’d only heard about as the stuff of nightmares from people I considered my friends, people I had introduced you to and brought into the apartment we shared. I know I said some pretty awful things before I let you explain about J’onn and Kara and the way you were working to change things, even if it couldn’t be all at once. I’m glad you kept showing up until I listened.

And maybe I’m not supposed to talk about those things in a letter you’re going to read right before the wedding, but I think from the start we haven’t really shied away from the parts of each other and our relationship that challenged us. In fact, it’s one of my favorite things about you as a person and us as a couple. We don’t act like things are perfect when they’re not. We don’t smile and lie and pretend to be some magazine-cover couple when we’re in pain. I’ve told you before that I don’t like to think of you as my soulmate because what does that even mean? That some strange force out in the universe decided we were “supposed to” be together and stuck us here with no choice? That sounds a whole lot less significant than being here and choosing to be by your side. I might not have chosen to fall in love with you, but dammit, I choose to stay in love with you, to fight to make this thing we have work. And lord knows it’s not always easy. We’ve fought and fucked up and pushed and pushed until we were teetering right at the edge of something. But we’ve always found our way back to each other. We’ve worked hard to become better partners—not because someone out there said it was preordained, but because we _wanted_ to be better for each other, because we wanted to learn how to be the kind of person the other one needed. And I think that’s how we’ve made it this far—nearly six whole years. And the ups and downs along the way? I wouldn’t trade them for anything because they’ve made us stronger and better. Knowing that we’ve survived the worst of the downs has made me more sure about saying yes to this next step with you than any number of romcom moments ever could have.

Of course, none of this is to act like there haven’t been wonderful moments that sometimes felt like they were plucked out of one of those cheesy romcoms. There was the five-year anniversary trip back to Italy. The first year spent trying to teach you how to cook Italian food in that tiny-ass kitchen of mine. The weekends we’ve spent in Midvale over the years, watching you getting along better and better with your mom each time. There was the morning you tried to teach me to surf. (To reiterate: I still don’t blame you for the concussion—I’m the one that veered into another surfer face-first.) The long motorcycle rides out into the dessert. The mornings we called in sick to work and the long nights we spent in bed, watching as the sun set and the stars came out, all the way until the sun started creeping back up over the horizon once more. There were the meteor showers and the solar and lunar eclipses that we spent watching from the balcony of the first apartment we called our own. God, there were the should-have-been apocalypses, and they were always terrifying, but they felt just a little better when I had you at my side. Because with you everything has always felt a little more doable.

I know in our line of work, nothing is ever stable in a long-term way. We never know what tomorrow will bring, and in the mornings, we leave not sure we’ll come back alive. But I do know that as long as we’re still here, I want to be fighting at your side. Ride or die, Danvers. Always. I know that for the rest of forever, I want to be your partner. I want to know that at the end of the night, I’m coming home to you. Because I love you, Alex. Forever.

So many of the cards I’ve gotten keep acting like marriage is some big new step. They talk about it changing everything (or make terrible sexist jokes about it being the worst thing to ever happen—luckily I’ve only gotten two of those, and they were from people we didn’t invite to the ceremony anyway). And yeah, it is a new step. But I like to think it’s one we’ve been working toward every day we’ve spent together. Because at the end of the day, what is it? A commitment to be together through thick and thin, sickness and health (or did we change those vows to terrible injury and healing bruises?), good and bad? Maybe I’ve never vowed those things while wearing fancy clothes and standing in front of family and friends, but I’ve been committed to all of it for ages. I’ve always known that no matter what happened, you were the person I was coming home to because, well, you are my home. No matter what life throws at us, I know we have that. And, Alex? That’s all I’ve ever needed. You are all I’ve ever needed.

I love you, and I cannot wait to call you my wife, double-doctor Alex Danvers.

Forever yours,  
Maggie

\---

October 6, 2017

Dear Maggie,

We’ve been through hell and back so many times. Alien attacks, family drama, injuries that we didn’t think we could come back from, fights that woke up the entire neighborhood at 3 in the morning (not that those were the only times we bothered them overnight), night terrors, the deaths of loved ones, panic attacks, that time that I thought I could pull off bangs, and all the other tragedies—small and large—that we’ve encountered on our way to this moment.

We’ve been through so much—good and bad—and we’re still here.

We don’t always get it right and we’re certainly not perfect, but Maggie? No matter what we’re dealing with, there is no other person I rather have on my side. You’re the person who brings out the best in me. You helped me find all the parts of myself that are worthy of love when I didn’t know how to look for them. You’re the person who calls me on my bullshit, builds me up when I need to be strong, and challenges me to fight for all that could be instead of just defending what already is.

More than that, you’re the person I want to build my life with. You’re the person I want to pick out china patterns with, arrange and re-arrange furniture with, watch and re-watch cheesy sitcoms with, and curl up with every night that I am lucky enough to have you in my life. You’re the person I want to grow old with. As much as there’s no one else I rather have on my six when we’re heading into a firefight, there’s also no one else I’d rather have beside me when I sip my tea in the morning.

So, when I say I love you, I mean that I, Alex Danvers, with every fiber of my being, love every part of you—the good, the bad, the parts that you’re still working on, and the quirks that make you who are.  

I feel like I’ve been working towards writing this letter for years. Every note, every text, every post-it has just been practice for this. And all of those drafts, every single one of them—even the grocery lists—were an attempt to capture in some form or another just how much I love you. And I do. I love you so much.

Okay so like…holy shit. Today (at least the today when you’re reading this letter) is the day, right? We’re doing this. And I have never been more excited.

You’re my ride or die.

Love,  
The VERY soon-to-be Mrs. Dr. Dr. Special Agent Alex Danvers-Sawyer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who stuck with us for this 100-day-long ride! We've been so moved by the comments and have really enjoyed hearing your thoughts (and sometimes your own stories) along the way! It was something really new for us, and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to work with my own fiancée on a project like this right up until she leaves for her own cross-country adventure.
> 
> We do still have some ideas for future parts, so if you want to make sure you catch them, I think subscribing to the series is probably the best way to go. It'll be a little bit--gotta get Bears all settled in her new home--but we'll be back soon enough!
> 
> Thanks again for sticking with us!!


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